Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas this year doesn't make any difference. I am still as broke as hell, friends are still not encouraging. So I stayed home and watched some awesome shows to countdown.
Merry Christmas people! Wishing you all a happy and prosperous year ahead! :)
Friday, December 17, 2010
I admit that I have never contented with what I have. I always wanted more, because I think I deserve what others could have. So when people around me have something new, I wanted one. I worked hard to earn one and get one.
I always thought there's nothing wrong with this greed. It was a motivation for me to do things, it pushed me to my limits, it makes me more hardworking.
But when this greed apply to my relationships in life, it is no more a good thing. This greed made me ugly. I am as needy as you can possibly imagine. I am full of jealousy. I want things more than I could possibly have.
This greed made me feel upset about a lot of things, and made me always full of doubt. I could never trust again, nor give my entire heart and soul to one. I am that greedy.
When I have committed this sin, is there any chance that I could undo it? Is there some way to curb it?
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Yes some of you may tell me just close your both eyes and ears and ignore it. But when that BITCH goes into your head and nostrils, FREAKISHLY IRRITATING EVERY NERVE YOU FUCKING HAVE IN YOUR BODY, you can't just FUCKING KEEP QUIET! I'm no saint like some goody-two-shoes. SO STOP FUCKING MESS WITH ME BITCH! GET YOUR OWN LIFE!
SO WHAT IF YOU'RE AN ELDER PERSON THAT ME?
SO FUCKING WHAT IF YOU EARN MORE MONEY?
YOU THINK YOU BUY EVERYTHING FUCKING THING IN THIS HOUSE?
YOU THINK THAT MAKES YOU MORE SUPERIOR THAN EACH AND EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE?
THINK AGAIN BITCH!
THAT BLOODY MONEY YOU EARN DOESN'T MAKE YOU A BLOODY BETTER PERSON!
THAT BLOODY MONEY DOESN'T EARN YOU ANY RESPECT FROM ME
THAT BLOODY MONEY MAKES YOU UGLY AND YOU EARN EVERY OUNCE OF LOATHE FROM ME!
Earning more money doesn't mean that you can be as fucked up as this. You are not a FUCKING GOD WHERE PEOPLE NEED TO RELY ON YOU AND LIVE. At least I DON'T FUCKING NEED YOUR MONEY TO LIVE MY LIFE.
you're FUCKING MARRIED AND WHY THE FUCK YOU JUST MOVE OUT FROM THIS HOUSE?
With that proud money you earn have you EVER EVEN CONTRIBUTE TO SUPPORT THIS HOUSE?
OH YA, THANKS TO ALL THOSE "PRESENTS" AND "FOOD" YOU BROUGHT BACK, OUT OF YOUR FUCKING SYMPATHY.
SAVE THAT FOR YOUR OWN SELF BITCH!
I FUCKING DON'T NEED YOUR SYMPATHY!
SO STOP BEING FUCKED UP AND GET A LIFE BITCH!
I assure you I will live better than you, earn more than you and take whatever responsibility that I'm suppose to have for this house. And the money I earn is FUCKING LEGAL.
Friday, November 26, 2010
I happened to pass by the usual road down my house and heard some noise. I looked towards and saw a dog was stuck in a drain. My first thought was to rescue the dog from the drain. My I was at the wrong place with wrong time and wrong people.
Everyone who knows me know that I am the youngest in the family with only one sister. I was with my parents that time. I immediately expressed my thought to my parents who were not far from me, where my dad came to look what he could do.
And my mom was shouting from afar.
"Don't touch that dog, it's dirty!"
"You will dirty your shirt. Why need to save that dog?"
I was quite used to my mom's over-reacting towards everything that happened. It has been like this forever, and my only hope for everything would be my dad who often support what I want to do. So I looked at my dad who stood by the drain side.
He was just looking. Nothing else.
I couldn't stand the silence. I asked, aren't you going to do something?
"That dog is old. Leave it here."
Leave it here.
Leave it here.
Leave it here.
It was this fucking one phrase that confirmed that I am the fucking black sheep of this family.
I wanted to do something. I really do. But the size of the dog was impossible for me to do things alone. At that moment I hated myself so much. Why am I so helpless, why I can't even do things that I want peacefully at my own home?
They always say home is the only place you get your comfort. Where is mine? Why do I always get the opposite when I'm home?
I feel like a troubled teenager now. I'm back to the troubled self when I was 16, when I was at my most rebellious time. I thought time would change things around, but I was wrong. It was only getting worse.
This home shuts me down, from any possible thinking or voice.
Sometimes when I think of my future, I would very much like to be living alone, supporting myself with the money I earn. But I know I won't and I can't do that. There is still responsibility that I need to shoulder on. I can't be selfish.
Some may think the incident above is trivial. But you won't understand how I feel. You are not the one who live in this home for the past 22 years.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Memories came flashing back. Most of it were laughter. Which idiot will take picture of themselves when they cry like hell.
But there's one in particular, a photo 3 years back that cost me RM 12 from Genting Highland roller coaster ride. It was my first time to go up there, my first time to go play at a proper theme park, my first time to a casino, my first time going to a trip with my boyfriend that time. That photo, had a lot of first time.
I chuckled a bit when I thought of all those crazy things I did with that gang that time. My cousin was my partner in crime. My boyfriend that time, was an all-time supporter for everything that I wanted to do.
But everything has changed now. I grew up. My partner in crime went out to the real world and earn her own dimes, my boyfriend that time went away for better things in his life. Gang in the picture all went separate ways, some for good, some for bad. I wonder, when will the same happy gang gather again, despite all those differences and misunderstanding that had happened?
Humans are just too good in remembering the faults and lies that had done on them. They never really forget, although they could forgive. When lies and faults came adding to a relationship, is it no longer pure, or even worthy to be treasured?
Other old photos proved me right. I had lost too much friends, most of it, was because of lies and faults.
I saw those young faces and look in the mirror. Am I the same person that I see now in the picture? I shook my head, definitely not. We are no longer young and innocent, just like me and my partner in crime. We are no longer girls who talk about boys problem together and would be extremely happy when we get to pull an all-nighter playing games and eat midnight ice cream.
So much have changed. Too much till I can't even recognize my old self. All these are too scary, yet so true. Reality is bloody realistic when it comes to this.
I kept back all those photos in my drawer in shut it tight.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Having my so-called holiday now, but everything seemed to be so uptight. Bad news coming one after another. Some say it's time for me to grow up a little bit more, face the reality in a harder way. But I'm so reluctant to move out from my comfort zone. I have been under this for such a long time. A sudden change, will that make any good for me? Plus it's only for such short period of time, is it worth it?
But no doubt this is another eye-opener for me. A good incident to show me the true colours of people beside me. They taught me to be independent, they taught me how to put myself in the front line rather than thinking about them. I am no saint or angel, I admit. I am evil and selfish at times, I admit. But which life or reality doesn't push us to be that kind of person? Tell me and give me an answer, and I'll get a gun and shoot myself in my head.
So I guess by this end of 2010, I need to complete some of my year end resolution, in order to survive and move on. Because life is as it is. Life don't wait for no one. Life is harsh. Life sucks.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
I must be quite good in my persuasion. 70% of my pleas end up with the ways I want. Most of it were materials, some of it are humans. Some, are just pure evil intentions.
But lately I find myself reluctant to repeat the act, towards everything and everyone. I just simply, let go. I don't force, I don't beg, I just don't act. When the old me would try anything to get the things I wanted, the new me, well, it's a lazy person. I finally able to give and take whatever that I have been offered with. I have no complains nor kicks.
Is this the way that I'm going to end all my obsession all these while? Am I moving towards the path of goodness?
However, deep down in me there's still an itch, telling me to end things with a final act. A test of ability and skill, I shall put it.
Deep down in me also tells me that, there's a risk of me going back to the old self once I tasted the sweetness of victory. Because once an obsession, you'll never forget the taste of it.
I'm such a cannibal. I know. So should I go ahead to do it, or not?
Thursday, October 14, 2010
That's why I say here today, there is no certain relationship in this world. One minute you may be close, another and you'll be apart.
It is not that I don't have strong faith in my relationship. I do, or perhaps I should put it as I very much want to have. But sometimes there's just too many things that happened around us that challenge our better judgments, to the extend that it shook the very core of our beliefs. We question, we doubt.
And the fine line here now is crossed. Where the line that drew that relationship some time ago, now blurred, and expanded into something else. We started to have jealousy, uncertainties, and misunderstandings. That relationship evolved into something ugly, and ended up broken.
But why should be blur away this thin line? Or why should we even have a line to label the relationship? Do we need that line to tell us what are we suppose to expect, or to act and respond?
No we don't. And that is why I really can't come to terms with those other halves, saying "you've crossed your line". If you love me, why do you need to draw a line to bound me in? If you love me, why do you need a line to separate us?
Have you ever thought that, if we erase that line, we could not just be lovers, we could be friends, we could be each others' teachers, we could be each others' mentors, we could be anything we want to be, isn't that great?
Let those thin lines disappear, will you? I don't need a line to draw my love for you.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Yet which youngsters don't live the way I am living right now? Is it because I'm weaker so the signs are showed earlier? For the first time of my life I'm actually worried about my own health. Is it deteriorating in a speed that I could not even handle or control?
All these things stated are so over whelming. I couldn't handle them. I'm scared.
I'm scared because of myself, as well as the sights of the others. If these problems worsen, I will look horrible. I have a real good imagination, so the mental pictures that I have now is absolutely eerie. It's enough for me to be a mediocre in this society, I don't want to sink to the bottom.
How am I suppose to change with all these work load? How am I suppose to take care when there's so many problems to solve? How am I suppose to eat well if the food that I have around me are those without much nutrient?
This is a sick world. It's making me sick, physically and mentally.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
But I must really tell you that I've never regret that. It might have been the last memory you left for me. I'll treasure them forever, I promise.
Now the silly me is crying in the middle of the night. I really miss you badly, and I wonder where you are. But all this must be kept in heart, because I know I must be strong, and I must not bother you anymore.
I once called you my brother and my friend, and I once blindly hoped that we were more than that. Now all these are just dreams.
I hope you will come back to my life again, someday, I'll wait.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I was once at the phase of rejecting commitment, where I think committing to that one and only person is a stupid thing to do. There are so many people out there and you hooked yourself up to just one man or woman? Isn't that a stupid thing to do? So there come a phase where I was wondering myself around different kinds of people, experimenting and trying. That was my past that I was not embarrassed to admit.
Then it reach the age for me to think more rationally. What was so wrong for being committed to that one and only? Isn't that a sacred thing to do? So I started to imagine love to be a wonderful thing for you to appreciate, and that was also the time where I hurt like shit, but without regret.
And until now, I still think commitment is a beautiful thing to give. But that's just me, I understand that a lot of people are still not willing or simply unable to give out this kind of promise.
For that person especially, I understand why you say you want to take things slow. I know I tend to rush things, but that's just the way I am. I grab good things when I see them, it's just natural for everyone right? I know this may sound wrong, but it's hard for me to change the way I am, right?
So please don't just walk out from my life, just like that. You have participated so much before, so I can feel the effect when you just withdraw suddenly. I too will feel pain, I too will feel lost. So if you really want to take away the commitment that you have given before, can you please do it slowly? I will understand all of them, I promise I won't cry.
Please. I had enough for all the bullshits in my life.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I guess it should be a good thing, that the most stressful thing of all was finally over. I simply do not need to pretend that I fucking care anything. I just want to wrap up everything and be through with it. There's nothing much that I miss in this place, except for some fabulous people that I've met during the very last moment that I live. I thank God for the appearance for them all. Thank you for making my life filled with sincere laughter again, I do love you all very much, and I long for the moment that we all meet again.
And that's at least the one good thing and memory that I left in this place call Kuala Lumpur. I came with so much anticipation, but left with much dissapointment with a pinch of happiness. But I do regard this as a happy ending for me in this place, it is so much better than what I've been through at other places. I've known friends and siblings that I could keep for life, and that's great, I must be thankful for being this lucky.
And I'm smiling now, although I'm back to the place that I've once left with so much tears, because I know that I'm still blessed by the love of those who concerned.
At last my blog post ends with a happy note. 89th, it's officially my favourite number from now on.
Monday, April 19, 2010
So this is a bad news I guess, being as trapped as before. I can't seem to get myself out of those problems that bother me. None of them have resolved, and all of them had equally get on my nerves. It all left me feel so helpless and stupid, and I no longer feel I'm a complete person anymore.
And I naively thought that there's a chance in changing all these. I thought I found something that I've hoped for, but it only lasted for seconds, and it all just dimmed away. I wasn't even able to react. I have to let go.
So I think I'm just "it". With no where to run or to progress, I'm just going to stay put like "this". I hate this feeling, I used to be a happy-go-lucky one, where the hell has that part of me disappear? I even thought of using cigarettes to make my problems go away, but luckily (or sadly) I don't have enough guts to do so, or else I'll end up as a smoke addict.
Therefore I now give myself a big laugh. *L A U G H*
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
When I doubt myself, where are you when I need someone to tell me I'm good?
When I hate myself, where are you when I need someone to tell me that I'm being loved?
When I cry, where are you when I need the shoulder to cry on?
When I die, where are you when I need someone to put a stalk of white rose in my crossed palms?
Where are you, when I need you the most? But I know, I'm talking to the air now. Such person just don't exist anymore. Not anymore in my life.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
It's been quite some time since I hear your voice, how are you?
It's now end of the month, so I guess you're busy period will end soon. I hope everything's fine for you, you really should take care.
I have been keeping things with myself recently. I've given myself a period of time to wait for you, at least a call, or a message. If you really can't make it, then I guess it's the end for all my waiting. But I'm still not certain if I can do that to you, but I shall try, because I think I have to do them eventually.
But right now, I still miss you, a lot. I still wonder what are you doing everyday, are you eating well? Are you sleeping well?
J.N. I miss you lots here. Do you feel the same too?
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The nice long conversation during dinner really seduced me to the max.. It was at the tip of my mouth to ask. But I managed to stop myself, from creating such an embarassing moment with him.. Darn.. It was like real close, luckily the words didn't spilt out yet.. If not I'll definitely lose a friend.. =(
Today was as usual, sitting in the library silently with him. I guess library is a good place to do stuff, and to stalk on people you have a crush on..Haha.. But he's definitely not to be disturbed.. He looked so stress.. >.<
I really should stop all this.. It's not healthy at all..
* He smokes Malboro, kinda cool.. LOL.. *
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I was hoping to see him today, since I have my 4 hours break in between my class. So I thought I can bring my laptop and do my work with him. But when I stepped in the library, I looked around. He's not here. Then I waited till now, he's still not in sight.
He must be busy for his FYP, I can totally understand. Tomorrow is the due date. But why am I still feeling a bit lost, and somehow disappointed?
I must really control my emotions. He's just a friend, and I promised myself no more than that. He's leaving the country soon, what am I thinking?
Debussy is really a genius. He can mess around my mind with his Claire De Lune.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I'm happy that I can still do something crazy with my friends, despite the fact that I'm not really in a gay-ish mood.. =P
It was definitely something spontaneous. I never know that things could turn out well. I've only intended to let him know the existence of me, after 3 years of checking him out. But I would have never expected him to seriously reply, and willing to meet and talk to me in person! That was really the luckiest day after so many bad days that I've been through these few months. I'm pleased! =D
His name is TianYu, foreign student from China.. Too bad he's going to graduate soon and go back to his hometown.. And not coming back for graduation.. >.<
But at least he is a miracle for me after so long a time, he's undeniable my lucky charm.. I guest I can still ask him out when he's available.. We're going out for movies this weekend.. XD
TianYu, wish you luck in your FYP and future undertakings.. Jia You ~ ^_^
Friday, March 19, 2010
These questions remained unanswered, and I remained unhappy.. I guess nothing can really help me out from this mud pool.. It's all psychological.. It's all up to myself..
My brain tells me to be rational, my heart tells me no.. Which one should I follow?
Then I look at myself again.. Not pretty, not exceptionally brilliant, not really with good personality.. I'll say, no wonder I'm being dumped.. They are all so perfect.. Who am I to compete with them? Friends tell me I'm just fine.. But still.. I just feel pure pathetic..
I know I'm not without the love from others.. But how long can they last? When I'm finish with what they want from me.. Will they still stay by my side when I need a friend or a company?
I do need a man to love me afterall.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I just remembered that I have your photo in my computer. It was really an old one, long before you went overseas to work. And I have another two photos of your screen shot. All those are really old memories, can’t believe I still keep them. I shall keep them longer.
I guess you’ve made a call for me by mistake today. So I’m sorry for the calls and messages that I’ve replied back. I thought you have things to tell me or something. But it’s okay; hopefully you’re doing well over there, and no longer feel upset. You know I want you to be happy.
Today is Wednesday. I remembered you liked Wednesday.
I miss you.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
It feels like I have nothing in life now, and now I'm desperately seeking for something to hold on. I don't know how long this situation could last, I just hope that everything will be over, or perhaps I'm wishing for my life to be ended.
I hate this negative aura that surrounds me, but I can't seem to control them. I'm not looking all over for them but they always manage to come to my hiding place. I have no more place to hide, nor too tired to play hide and seek. I need a log in my pool of water, I need a saviour.
I don't want to make anymore mistakes. Any mistake could kill me now, easily. My shining stars dimmed, and I'm lost. Where are you when I need you the most?
Monday, March 8, 2010
A few days ago I was in a depressed state. I was unable to understand myself nor the others, and I've decided to give myself a break from everything. As usual I skipped classes like mad and went out to have some fun. They were kinda costly, but I was happy. So fuck off all those worries that follow behind, heck care!
But reality still needs to come back and do their jobs. I need to be haunted by them in order for some progress. My research paper was hanging sky high, and I don't really know when do I have the mood to do them. But at least I already have an idea to do things, so I guess that's a plus point? *nodding in agreement*
And one thing about this crazy weekend, I went Kuantan based on my instincts!
I've been craving for real oceans and sands, and if possible some sun rise action. And I achieved them! Well not the sun rise because I was sleeping like logs at that time. But I get to shove my feet in real sands !! I swear I would go Kuala Terrengganu soon for some better beach on the spot. XD
And while typing I figure, this is actually my first blog post that become less emo. So I guess I'm getting better now, aren't I? =)
But friends keep tell me, maybe they need to slap me some times to make me awake. Do I really need those slaps?
Anyway I'm going to end this blog post with an emo note.
Friday, March 5, 2010
But I guess when it turn brown, or even gone, you won't be getting to see them..Maybe the next time you see me, I'll be perfectly heal, from head to toe.. Who knows..
I miss you.. Days without your voice are slow.. I hope you're doing fine over there.. Take care..
Monday, March 1, 2010
I wonder if I can turn my miss to action, so that I can see him in person. But I know it's impossible, I do not wish to intrude someone's life like that.
Hey, you there.
Do you know that you have messed up with my mind these few days? A simple message from you will soothe my nerves, a call for you would make me happy for the rest of the days.
But you're still so distant. I don't even know how to be connected to you. Or how to tell you what I actually feel about you. So if I tell you here. Do you mind? My blog don't have wide bunch of readers, so you should not be bothered about privacy.
I like you, a lot. You asked if I need more time, well I really don't. You asked if I can let go of that previous jerk, well I do. You asked if I could be your girlfriend, well I don't know whether your question is still valid or not, but yes I definitely want to.
I know both of us have doubts, especially you. You once said that we were so different, that you cannot see our future together. But what I would tell you, is that can we try to make things work? I'll try to catch up with you, I'll try to be part of your plan, I will not slow you down. But again, will you be with me when I need you? Will you be here when I say I miss you?
I really hope I would get a positive answer from you.
I miss you loads. I wish I could see you right now. But you said before you're busy this month. So I guess not. Take care.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
I just want to say, I do everything for a reason.. My decisions, they doesn't really come in sudden.. But that day was an exception.. I wasn't really using my brain.. I did whatever that my heart told me so.. And that so actually soothing.. Such long a time I have been burdening myself with thoughts and rationality.. It's time to let go for a while, even if just for a night.. At least it's something worthwhile.. I'm happy for what I did.. =)
And I miss that moment, and that person that makes me lose my mind.. I was not even pretending, I was not wearing my mask.. I'm being myself.. I felt so relax, as if nothing painful had happened before.. But the other parts of me tell me to wake up, because it might just be another temporary fling.. But I really wanted to believe, I want to put some hope in it..
I don't mean to frighten anyone, but this is my true self.. Embrace them or begone with them.. I have nothing much left to lose now.. My heart now is still in mending.. I hope you would come heal it.. I don't even care if you're leaving.. I just want to have whatever moments that's left..
I can't believe myself again.. I'm actually serious.. Can I go back to that messy room again?
Monday, February 22, 2010
But I can't.
I would love to be selfish and care only myself
But I can't.
I would happily have some alone time and focus on my stuff
But I can't.
I would like to fall in love with other man
But I can't.
I would generously let go
But I can't.
I would do and agree whatever that they want
But I can't.
I would sincerely forgive
But I can't.
But I can't,
I just can't.
For the girl who might be reading, I'm still finding reasons to forgive. But I do not blame you. Be happy, and be good with him. I give my blessings.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
我好舍不得，可是发生了就是发生的。我想当做什么都没发生过，可是那些都是真的，都是逃避不了的现实。好痛好痛，可是还是要面对，要承受。过程很痛很痛，可是生活还是要过。每一天我都跟我自己说，算了，这些都是真的， 在挣扎也没用。 对啊，都改变不了什么，为什么呢？为什么要这样子呢？我也不想要痛，可是我也不能控制啊！
My pain is still not eased, my breathing is still not right. Everything about me now is a total mess, it's really painful to bear all these, I'm suffocating.
I tried very hard to find myself some distractions, but I failed. Everything keep reminds me of my pain. I started to have worse nightmares every night. I can't even sleep well now. I would wake up with tears, and I'm very clear that it's not healthy at all, but I can do nothing about any of it.
Nothing. I hate this word. It made me feel so helpless, so useless.
I admit, I need him to be with me. I wanted not to care anything, but my rationality says no. I wanted so much to be selfish, but looking at him and everything around him, made myself say no. I want to love him like I used to, but the thorn was there, my brain and heart say no.
It's aching so much now, day and night. How can I get rid of all these.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
最近的我们有着太多的争吵, 我有着太多的眼泪.很多事都是无法避免的, 但是我的试着安静地听, 安静地接受. 但是这中间发生的事, 其实我们彼此都很清楚, 在我们彼此的心里, 那一条裂痕, 都会永远的存在. 我试着接受, 试着忍让, 可是不听话的泪水总是会落下. 这些泪我都没办法让你看到, 因为我想用最开心的笑脸来见你.
你知道吗? 其实我有多么想放弃, 可是因为是你, 我反反复复的, 把你搞乱了, 也把我自己搞得更伤. 说分手的那一天, 如果我让你受伤了, 请你一定要原谅我. 因为我只想让你得到你最想要的东西. 可是当我看到那些不属于我的东西不断地出现在你身边, 不管是新的, 还是旧的, 我总会觉得我才是那个多出来的人, 真正该呆在你身边的人其实不是我, 而是别人. 我反而觉得我是那个第三者, 我才是那个破坏你们感情的人.
你们有着太多的回忆, 那些, 都是我无法给你的. 我是多么的自卑, 你看到了吗?
可是我想说, 虽然很受伤, 虽然忍得很辛苦很难过, 我还是想坚持下去. 我始终相信, 有一天, 你会记得属于我们两个人的记忆, 你的皮包里会放着我们的照片, 你会把所有旧的回忆统统都洗掉, 然后换上新的记忆. 我真的很想这样相信. 可是我又对自己没有信心. 我到底该怎么做, 才能让你把心安定下来?
或许是我太贪心, 我不应该要求的这么多. 可是自私的我还是忍不住的去想, 忍不住去比较和妒忌. 亲爱的, 你的心还在吗?
所以现在的我, 每天都过得小心翼翼, 深怕一个不小心, 你就会离开我. 现在的我, 什么都不想理, 不想看, 不想听. 只要你还在, 那就够了.
亲爱的, 情人节快乐. 请你一定要快乐, 也请她一样快乐.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I understand that it's just a phase, but this phase is taking too long a time, it had affected me physically and mentally. The torment and the toll, I can't take them any longer. I wish for a break, but who's going to give me one?
Can you set me free? Can you cut me loose and let me be?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Please. Can't I have a moment of peace and serenity? I need to fill myself up with good essence, not all these pains and sorrow. I desperately need something good to happen in my life now, but I can't even get the simplest peace in mind!
I'm begging. Please. I don't even want to care about anything now. I just want some quiet moments with nothing in my head. Please.
Do I have to wait till the day I die? Is that what I should do?
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I had one of those right now.
I've did so well in hiding my real emotions, but when I'm alone writing like this, I found myself in a vulnerable state. So pathetic, yet so me.
This burning sensation will definitely burn a hole in my heart, and it will never heal. I keep thinking about them all day long. Even when I'm sleeping, I dream about them. They never let me alone. I want to say it out loud, I want to shout them all at someone responsible, but I can't, because those people aren't someone that I want to hurt. Yet, they hurt me so bad. I'm bleeding all over now. When will this bleeding stop?
I wish this burning sensation could consume me, then I would be some place far from here. I will not be able to remember them, and at least I can breath better. I have difficulty even to breath now, and harder to swallow. I've swallow too much pain and tears. I had enough.
This is the only way I can show all my vulnerability. I am a pile of ashes here, burned to death, but there's no one to come claim this pile of ashes, for I am alone, all alone...