Lesson To Learn

I admit I was fucking mad at myself previously.

I'm just fucking pissed off with myself right now, at this moment, everyday in my life currently.

All this is just not right. What am I doing now? I don't even know myself anymore. I feel like there's an alien in my body to direct me to do things. My body have it's own mind. I'm a fucking zombie.

I live and breath everyday, but never had I felt so lost before, as if my life was without a purpose, so damn meaningless. Everyday is just a day, no fucking big deal. What's more to this life? Is there nothing else out there?

My friend scolded me a few days ago, said that I don't have enough working experience, that I haven't see enough of this cruel working world. But believe me I had seen enough of this bloody world, this bloody truth. I am indeed facing it right now. My every sight and hearing reminds me of it every fucking day. Can you believe it? I'm actually facing and looking my pain everyday, and I can't even run away because of the bloody truth of the world! Fuck myself!

I wish the pain would go away.

This is my coward wish every time I get hurt. I would prefer to go away and hide.

But this time, it's entirely different. I'm forced to stay put and look at it. And I have to deal with it, no matter what.

Is this the lesson that I have to learn nearing my 22nd years of life?

I wish someone is here now. Even a simple hug will do. I need something to lean on for this painful lesson.