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Friday, December 5, 2008

Give and Take

There was once someone told me this:

When you fall in love with someone,
you give him part of your soul,
just like sharing your piece of cake with him.
And if that someone loves you back,
he'll also give you part of his soul,
so you'll get back the piece of cake that you've shared with him.

what if the person you love don't love you?
This is when we give out part of our souls to that special someone,
but he did'nt return us back that piece of cake.

this is when we're not whole anymore.
This is why we can't get back the love that we had given out.

Above are just some simple comparison to a piece of cake, but it gave me lots of realisations about my past actions. I realised that I've been heartless and cruel to persons who loved me dearly, but I can't give them back what they want from me.
I'm sorry.

I realised that I've not been a nice person. I let those who loved me dearly down. I broke their heart by saying words that never meant to be said.
I'm sorry.

I realised that I've been a dumb by not seeing those good things and advices that came to my faces. I turned them down and refuted with harsh and loud facts. Twisted and unreal facts to protect myself from being hurt.
I'm sorry.

I realised that I'm a really careless people. I just realised all these now. I'm not sure whether I could do something about all these but I really hoped to.
I'm sorry.

And lastly,
the ultimate lesson that I've learnt from giving and taking:

Appreciate what you have right now, and never to force things to happen. Those are meant to be yours will be yours, and those that are not, no matter how hard you strive for it, it'll never be wholy yours.

I thank these realisations. I hope I can do what I've promised myself here.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Bliss of Solitude

I seriously think I have the potential to be a writer. Or at least a blogger. Since i enjoyed so much this afternoon, sitting alone in a quiet cafe with my lappy with cups of aromatic coffee. Guess I'll have sleepness night today. LOLX.. *_*

Things are going on quite well. I'm feeling better and i ceased to think too much. Everyday is just a pure bliss of solitude. After all, the only chaotic thing in my family had, what should i say, "partially" moved out, I was happy to have undisturbed sleep and countless free time to calm down my mind with some real good books and movies. =)

Daddy and mommy said I got Grandma lips. Reminded me of someone who said that to me once. They're bringing me to the doctor soon. I kept finding excuses to escape the visit. I hate doctors. Can't explain why. Maybe I've met too many doctors for my age, and it's better for me to stop seeing them again before I puke on them the next time I see them again for some serious matter. ROTFL.. =P

December is just around the corner. I wonder if he remembered what he said before. Hopefully he won't be the another who let me down. I have faith in him. ^_^

Lastly, Christmas is coming soon too. ( Yippiiieeee ~ ) Wish I can dream of Santa Claus tonight. If I can sleep. =)

Merry Christmas in advance !

Love Defined

We can’t be true to one, and we can’t expect others to be truthful to us only.
We would be lost, not knowing who exactly is the one we like the most.
We would be confused, we got seduced by thrilling things that happened around us, and we could not bear any obstacles or hardships that lie ahead of us.
Almost definitely,
We can’t be sure that our Mr or Miss Right would appear at the first sight, or at the right time.
And absolutely,
We can’t force the one we like to feel the same way as we do.
For all these reasons,
Would we stop chasing after our true love and happiness?


We are always expecting and waiting.
One day,
The one we like the most,
They would say this to us.

I'm Sick

I took in a deep breath when he told me. I whispered to myself “Everything is going to be fine; I’m perfectly ok with it.”

Who would think that I’m a weakling, with my body size and my constant laughing, nobody would ever expect that. But it just happened, and I could not do anything about it. Maybe it’s my fate to have this kind of experience, and I should just accept it. Turn after turn, my tears is no longer in sight. If destiny wants me to suffer before I get what I want, I would be happy to do that. I don’t want to fight, I’m tired of fighting.

But I’m not sad, for someone told me that he disliked negativity. I tried to cheer-up myself everyday, despite the pain that I have to take. I never showed any signs of discomfort in front of mommy and daddy, I don’t want them to be down. I want everyone around me to be happy; I don’t want them to share the same thing with me.

Sis came back. I started to sleep alone in the living room. I couldn’t understand why I can no longer share the same bed with her. Maybe it’s my sense of solitude. I need to be alone in the middle of the night, with the lights on. Daddy came and lied down on the sofa beside. I appreciate that, at least daddy understands my need to be alone, he came and accompany silently.

And lastly, you. How I wished I could see you, but the reality doesn’t allow me to. I really hope I can spend my Christmas with you. I’m sorry, I can’t believe it, because I’m not even sure that me, would grant myself this wish.

Good Luck in your studies. You’ll always have my blessings. =)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

“Slow and Steady” is The Golden Rule for Every Relationship?

Mommy told me that every relationship should start with a close observation, followed by a period of knowing-each-other time and then go into the relationship. I’ve heard this so-called golden rule zillion of times, since people around me who looked up to this rule said that it is advisable for us to know a person before we actually move on to the next stage with that particular person. I know what they wanted to tell me, and right now I perfectly understand why they said that, but why I just can’t follow this “golden” rule?

Maybe it’s because of the sickness; I’m very scared of being alone. I used to be alone at home. Even now, which my mommy claimed that I’ve been MIA for almost 4 months and FINALLY came back home, my parents actually left me alone at home after 5 minutes I stepped in the house. ( Talk about feelings of disappointment huh? LOLX.. ) But I’m perfectly cool with that, since my mom and dad, very rarely, they are actually going out together. So as a filial daughter I should not interrupt their moments together, and I let out a sigh, and waved goodbye to them both. =X

And then, I was alone. At first it was fine, and later the stupid thunder came into the picture. And guess what, this is the moment I started to get panicked and scared, and my parents don’t usually bring their phones with them. ( Duhhh, what’s the use of 5 phones per family. ) Maybe you’ll start laughing at me, saying that “Walau you very timid lehh, thunder also scared. Go hide under your bed lahh!!”. And then I’ll reply and say “Okie, I’ll go hide under my blankie and cover my ears with my pillow.” But that doesn’t really works.

So this is the moment, when I feel I was all alone, cold and dark. This is the time when I remember back all my ex-es how they used to console me when I was scared. And also, this is the time I really longed for a man to come and give me a hug and a kiss on my forehead, telling me that everything will be ok. For a while I’ll cry, thinking that I got no one to call to during this kind of stormy night. But now, realizing that there’s no use crying over this kind of uncontrollable weather, I try to make myself braver. I’ll put on my earphone and on my favourite song, and I SING!! Although I’m still scared at least I can do something that makes me relax and ease my tension a little bit. Hopefully it will always work. =)

So I guess I’ve gone out of my topic. =P

Back to “slow and steady”. Knowing the reason why I tend to get into a relationship in an amazing speed, I’m now confused either sticking to my own way or follow this golden rules that everyone says that there’s definitely no harm leading this way. If I go with my old way I can get all the fun and thrill that I’ve always had in the beginning of a relationship, and I’ll get superb heart-broken at the end of it, looking damn pathetic and useless. Or I should follow what everyone says, take my time and slowly get into a steady relationship. Not so much of fun and thrill, but longer-lasting and less pain. I think I had the answer with me right now, in my head.

Long-lasting is my answer. And YES, I’ll wait till the day you say yes to me. ^_^

Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Perfect Way

There's once a person told me, there's always a perfect way for everything.. The perfect solution for every problem.. but I've always wonder. Where is the perfect way for the obstacles in my life? I've look everywhere but seems that the so-called perfect solution is no where to be found.. So my question is, where the heck is the perfect way?

Just recently I’ve met a guy, who is very tall, gentle but naughty. When I look at him I see someone that I could never be, someone that I can never achieve in my entire life. And when I say this I don’t mean his height ( obviously =X ) but the way he carried himself in front of me and some attitudes that I see when I see him. I’ve never seen anyone like him, 21 but matured, know exactly what he wants and where is he going. And suddenly I feel so ashamed in front of him. The difference of 1 year old has such as large gap on us. In front of him I don’t feel like I’m 20 but 8, a girl who has just started to grow up and get to know this world. We are so different, so apart, and now I’m now even sure that do I have the rights to like him or even love him?

This few days I tried to contact him, but after 1 or 2 tries I gave up. I don’t know if he’s busy or what, but I just don’t dare to know the truth. I’m scared that I’ll get to know that he’s actually avoiding me, to avoid my feelings for me to turn deeper into something serious. And maybe, he’s right to do that, since he’s so wise and matured. Maybe we should not be in further relationship. The things that he had told me, about accompany me when I’m changing; maybe it’s just a mere promise from a friend, nothing more than that. And maybe I’m the one who’s thinking too much, all this while he’s acting as a friend, and I'm the only one who's take it so seriously and believe that he’s not the same like those I’ve always knew. And now, I know that, I’m wrong.

So what is the lesson that I’ve learnt from this? I’ve learnt that: The perfect way for someone to stop growing feelings for another person, is to stop contacting him or her, and avoid him or her as much as possible. I’ve tried it, and it works. It really works.

Monday, November 10, 2008

You =)

Will miss you during the holiday..
Gambatte for the rest of your semester.. =D
I will drink a lot of water, don't worry.. =)

* Happy Holiday *

Going Back

Last day in college, now it's the perfect time for me to reflect back what I have done for the past semester.. =X

Beginning of the semester --> Slacking around with my friends, went Mid Valley and Pavillion with friends.. Spent RM 500++ buying new clothes and shoes.. =.=

Mid semester --> My shopping range expanding.. Went Lot 10, Timesquare, Sg.Wang, Jusco Balakong, Mines, SouthCity, Alamanda, KLCC, Sunway Pyramid, Summit USJ.. Spent another RM 500++ to buy shoes and clothes.. *_*

End of semester --> Rushing assignments and preparing for finals.. 3 weeks of finals, 3 times karaoke, 5 times shopping spree and numerous movies.. In the end my first subject scored A.. LOLX

And I found out my semester 3 is full of shopping trips.. And so far I still tops the score in my class.. Mommy said nothing, but she sent me RM 250 as a gift.. Daddy said he's going to watch JamesBond with me when I go back.. And I guess sis dunno anything yet, she could buy me another Levis jeans when I go back home.. =P

And about relationship, although it has been tricky and hurting, I'm glad that I'm getting it over now (as referenced to the previous post).. I'm happy to have my friends encouraging me, and happy to strive for something I want right now.. =)

So wish myself luck !! Hopefully this holiday will be a rewarding one.. Not just extra weight and fat, but a lot of new insights, and extra pocket money from mahjong game with mommy and daddy.. XD

It's Officially Over..

I'm happy to tell myself that.. My nightmare for all these while, is finally coming to an end.. =)

I was having doubt at first, but thanks to my friends, I can finally made the decision of letting him go..

Pastor said, you should know where your value is, if you think that what you've done for him had exceeded your own value, then he is not worth for your love..

Yiing said, I can't say much about this guy, I don't know him.. But I see the way u treat him, and the way he treats you back.. This guy sucks to the core.. LOLX

Alex said, DITCH HIM.. Why the hell are you still waiting for? There's no hope for him to return to you.. NO MEDICINE OR SPELL CAN CURE YOU.. =X

Hueny said, you should know when to let go.. You can tell whether his heart still belongs to you.. My advice is, stop building excuses for him for not loving you..

And lastly,
Jen said, you live for yourself, not for the others.. Because you're living for your own life..

All these.. Thank you.. To my friends, those reading it or not reading it, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.. Thanks for pulling me up, and waking me up from the dream that I've created for myself.. Now that I'm awaken, I shall become the bubbly girl you guys always know.. =P

Jen, thanks for everything.. I promise you I'll change for myself, not for the others.. I'll change for the better, so that I can really be the dream girl that you've told me just now.. =)

Sunday, June 1, 2008

He's Getting Married

fate is really a weird thing.. it makes you meet someone, fall in love and later set us apart from each other..

i happened to meet someone.. he used to be gentle and caring, and i thought he's everything.. i put all my hopes on him, and for the first time of my life i'm being so damn serious in a relationship.. i even think about marrying him, even meet his parents, even bringing him to meet my parents..

but i guess all these doesn't satisfy him.. maybe i'm not good enough for him.. and he chose to leave me, saying that he's tired of everything.. when he told me about it i just could not believe it.. tired? tired of what? tired of me loving him?

everything just don't make sense anymore the moment he left me.. i tried to patch back but it was a foolish effort.. and later, i thought thoroughly.. maybe we can be friends, and our feelings will grow again, just like the time when we just knew each other.. and he gave me hope.. i thought it's just the matter of time for us to be together again..

the cruel reality wakes me up.. i should have notice that he had someone he love right now.. he's so different and i was blind for not seeing it.. the moment i look at my computer screen about the news, i just can't help myself.. i cried..

" i knew a girl, who's cute but sometimes naughty.. we are happy, and we are preparing to get married.."

the sentence keep repeating in my mind.. his new girl is cute but naughty, and they are getting married.. they are getting married.. they are getting married..

i'm too stupid to have any drops of tears for him now.. but i just could not help it.. i hope he will forgive my tears.. he never like me to drop any tears for him.. i am sorry..

what will you be like when you're married? you must be the most responsible man in this world.. i seriously believe that you have all the ability in the world to make that girl happy, just like the time when you and me are still together.. i was happy..

if time can reverse.. i wish to hold your hand again, and say.. I AM SORRY..

Friday, April 4, 2008


honestly, i'm really disappointed..

i thought that i can see you tomorrow, but you can't make it.. i know that i shouldn't be angry, i know it's not your fault, but i just can't control my anger and disappointment.. i'm sorry..

i'm sorry because i let you hear my moddy voice on the phone.. i know you feel guilty too.. i know you don't mean it.. i know..

but the truth is, i don't want you to make up anything for me.. i no need you to bring me go anywhere for shopping or delicious food.. i just want to see you.. just you..

Friday, March 28, 2008

Mii Being A Devil?!

i admit that i am a devil..

i am a devil who always follow what my heart says, and heck care about the consequences that are going to take place in my future.. i am a devil who always fight and bounce back to the destiny that lies ahead me.. i am a devil who constantly speak devilish language where people find it unacceptable and ridiculous..

and most importantly, i am a devil because i'm trying to be myself.. i just wanna be me, not like anybody else..

some would say that i'm rather headstrong person.. i've always strive hard for the things that i wanted badly.. and when i say badly, i mean really bad to the extend that i would just do anything to get it to myself.. i guess i have to thank my headstrong personality because it always carries me through big and small challenges by my so-called enemies back in schools, and my headstrong personality is able to held my head high and walk past those people with pride and dignity..

i follow my emotions a lot.. and sometimes i got carried away.. i do a lot of sinful things that i can possibly imagine and when i think back of my actions i sometimes regretted it very much.. but as i said earlier i am a headstrong person.. and i am not going to easily look down on myself because of the silly things that i had done before.. i am not going to defeat myself before somebody did that to me.. i am strong i can handle every situations that are throw to me.. i have to be that way.. i have to be tough no matter what..

so is being a headstrong, emotional, and trying to be tough means that i am a devil among those people that i lived in now? either i fall in love or hate the devil hat lurks inside me, i think that i don't even have a choice to change anything..

angel or devil, when its all about me or being me, i would just take in all..