Troubled

Few days ago I encountered such situation.

I happened to pass by the usual road down my house and heard some noise. I looked towards and saw a dog was stuck in a drain. My first thought was to rescue the dog from the drain. My I was at the wrong place with wrong time and wrong people.

Everyone who knows me know that I am the youngest in the family with only one sister. I was with my parents that time. I immediately expressed my thought to my parents who were not far from me, where my dad came to look what he could do.

And my mom was shouting from afar.

"Don't touch that dog, it's dirty!"
"You will dirty your shirt. Why need to save that dog?"

I was quite used to my mom's over-reacting towards everything that happened. It has been like this forever, and my only hope for everything would be my dad who often support what I want to do. So I looked at my dad who stood by the drain side.

He was just looking. Nothing else.

I couldn't stand the silence. I asked, aren't you going to do something?

"That dog is old. Leave it here."

Leave it here.
Leave it here.
Leave it here.

It was this fucking one phrase that confirmed that I am the fucking black sheep of this family.

I wanted to do something. I really do. But the size of the dog was impossible for me to do things alone. At that moment I hated myself so much. Why am I so helpless, why I can't even do things that I want peacefully at my own home?

They always say home is the only place you get your comfort. Where is mine? Why do I always get the opposite when I'm home?

I feel like a troubled teenager now. I'm back to the troubled self when I was 16, when I was at my most rebellious time. I thought time would change things around, but I was wrong. It was only getting worse.

This home shuts me down, from any possible thinking or voice.

Sometimes when I think of my future, I would very much like to be living alone, supporting myself with the money I earn. But I know I won't and I can't do that. There is still responsibility that I need to shoulder on. I can't be selfish.

Some may think the incident above is trivial. But you won't understand how I feel. You are not the one who live in this home for the past 22 years.