Aching

My heart is aching. Why everything seem so distant, when the relationship was once close and happy. I hate this feeling, I wanted so much to call, and to say I love him and miss him once more, but I find myself in no rightful position to do so. I am, indeed, a stranger right now. A person with no relation, nothing will connect us anymore.

My pain is still not eased, my breathing is still not right. Everything about me now is a total mess, it's really painful to bear all these, I'm suffocating.

I tried very hard to find myself some distractions, but I failed. Everything keep reminds me of my pain. I started to have worse nightmares every night. I can't even sleep well now. I would wake up with tears, and I'm very clear that it's not healthy at all, but I can do nothing about any of it.

Nothing. I hate this word. It made me feel so helpless, so useless.

I admit, I need him to be with me. I wanted not to care anything, but my rationality says no. I wanted so much to be selfish, but looking at him and everything around him, made myself say no. I want to love him like I used to, but the thorn was there, my brain and heart say no.

It's aching so much now, day and night. How can I get rid of all these.