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Sunday, March 18, 2012

Best Way to Communicate?

I don't know how to put this, but I guess writing is the best way to communicate to a friend who decided to ignore you for the better.

I seriously don't get it in the beginning.

What the hell did I do wrong? Did I upset him? Did I scared him away? Did I this did I that?

I couldn't take it at all that all of a sudden a friend decided to ditch me just like that, with no preview or fore-warn. I was deeply wounded, thinking that it must be my fault.

Then I started sending frantic messages, asking for clarifications. Which after much waiting he coldly replied, I was busy with work.

At that moment I realized, I had lost this friend, with reasons I could not identify.

I really wished somebody could tell me what happened, at least tell me the reason why. But since the particular person could not even care less to tell me, I figure this is a question that I shall never get answer.

If you are reading this, these are the things that I wish to tell you.

"I really don't know why you acted like this, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Don't give me the reason that you're busy working or something, I will tell you that's all bullshit.

You might have heard things about me.
I do not wish to clarify, since you never ask. I do not wish to deny either, because that was my past. But if you choose to believe in other people's story instead of mine, that is your choice. I can tell you that I'm a changed person now, different from my past that is, but you can choose not to believe me.

Other than this, I could not think of other reasons. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, which I doubt you will.

Thank you very much for your kindness. I will always keep all of that in mind.

If this is our end, then I wish you goodbye here. Good luck for your future undertakings, and I really mean it."

You know what, I'm really sad. I thought you were different, but you're not.

I don't think you will read this anyway. This is definitely not the best way to communicate with you. Stupid me!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

I Hate This

Another night like this, when my thoughts are wandering.

Quite a number of revelations have been through my mind lately. But none of it can be resolved. I'm kinda losing my touch is solving problems, and I can the direct impact from it. Each and every day I am choked by piling things. Sooner or later I'll be drown to death.

I should be happy, that holiday is coming and I finally have a whole week to rest. But the truth is there are more things waiting for me to deal with once I'm back from this holiday. Lots and lots of new responsibilities that I don't even want to think about it. I am not breathing right, let alone thinking right. I continue to stuff my face with food, and again and again I blame myself for growing fatter and fatter every day, then I continue to eat again.

This sickening cycle has to stop. But how?

And I seek no comfort in other matters as well, neither family nor relationship. I am one man's island.

I really hate to think that I am this alone. Everything has to be on my own. How I long for someone or something for me to lean and hold on. But I don't even know whether such thing exist or not in my life.

I really hate this. I really really do.