I can't believe that I'm saying this. I'm actually missing that place that I've only stepped in for one time. Is this a sign of my madness? I hope not.. =X
I just want to say, I do everything for a reason.. My decisions, they doesn't really come in sudden.. But that day was an exception.. I wasn't really using my brain.. I did whatever that my heart told me so.. And that so actually soothing.. Such long a time I have been burdening myself with thoughts and rationality.. It's time to let go for a while, even if just for a night.. At least it's something worthwhile.. I'm happy for what I did.. =)
And I miss that moment, and that person that makes me lose my mind.. I was not even pretending, I was not wearing my mask.. I'm being myself.. I felt so relax, as if nothing painful had happened before.. But the other parts of me tell me to wake up, because it might just be another temporary fling.. But I really wanted to believe, I want to put some hope in it..
I don't mean to frighten anyone, but this is my true self.. Embrace them or begone with them.. I have nothing much left to lose now.. My heart now is still in mending.. I hope you would come heal it.. I don't even care if you're leaving.. I just want to have whatever moments that's left..
I can't believe myself again.. I'm actually serious.. Can I go back to that messy room again?
My heart is aching. Why everything seem so distant, when the relationship was once close and happy. I hate this feeling, I wanted so much to call, and to say I love him and miss him once more, but I find myself in no rightful position to do so. I am, indeed, a stranger right now. A person with no relation, nothing will connect us anymore.
My pain is still not eased, my breathing is still not right. Everything about me now is a total mess, it's really painful to bear all these, I'm suffocating.
I tried very hard to find myself some distractions, but I failed. Everything keep reminds me of my pain. I started to have worse nightmares every night. I can't even sleep well now. I would wake up with tears, and I'm very clear that it's not healthy at all, but I can do nothing about any of it.
Nothing. I hate this word. It made me feel so helpless, so useless.
I admit, I need him to be with me. I wanted not to care anything, but my rationality says no. I wanted so much to be selfish, but looking at him and everything around him, made myself say no. I want to love him like I used to, but the thorn was there, my brain and heart say no.
It's aching so much now, day and night. How can I get rid of all these.
I give myself a try. I try not to care. I pull myself out from any possible connection. But I still miss him, a lot. I feel so weak about myself. I can't even think straight or act straight, I just can't make myself forget. I need a blow on my head.
I understand that it's just a phase, but this phase is taking too long a time, it had affected me physically and mentally. The torment and the toll, I can't take them any longer. I wish for a break, but who's going to give me one?
Can you set me free? Can you cut me loose and let me be?
I'm begging for peace in my mind. I'm begging for those shits to get out from my head.
Please. Can't I have a moment of peace and serenity? I need to fill myself up with good essence, not all these pains and sorrow. I desperately need something good to happen in my life now, but I can't even get the simplest peace in mind!
I'm begging. Please. I don't even want to care about anything now. I just want some quiet moments with nothing in my head. Please.
Do I have to wait till the day I die? Is that what I should do?
It was as if the air is acidic. Every breath I take in is burning so hot, that I cough without stopping. I can't believe I'm actually staring at those pains again, while typing out all this pain craps. I know all of these are just craps, but I can't help it. I can only put up my mask for a while, I'm no expert.
Yes. I'm wearing a mask constantly now, that it covers everything within me, about how I actually feel about things and see things. I pretend that there's nothing that can harm me under this mask, because this mask protects my innards. But bloody hell, I am indeed fooling myself. Masks as thin as air can hide me, but can never protect me. I am still as hurt as before, or even worse.
This mask that I'm wearing is shielding me from the people I love. It's more like my shell, and I'm the fucking snail.
Sometimes I really wish to express my feelings more verbally. I would very much like the courage to say everything out loud, but I never succeed. There's always something in between, and mostly it was because of my coward-ness that prevent. How could I change this side of myself? Why am I not protecting myself? Why does it looks like I'm actually welcoming those sufferings to myself?
I need a good mask. But I prefer a person that I can face without my mask. But where?
Have you ever encounter before, when you're crying too much.. And you do all the crying silently, and your chest will slowly develop a burning sensation?
I had one of those right now.
I've did so well in hiding my real emotions, but when I'm alone writing like this, I found myself in a vulnerable state. So pathetic, yet so me.
This burning sensation will definitely burn a hole in my heart, and it will never heal. I keep thinking about them all day long. Even when I'm sleeping, I dream about them. They never let me alone. I want to say it out loud, I want to shout them all at someone responsible, but I can't, because those people aren't someone that I want to hurt. Yet, they hurt me so bad. I'm bleeding all over now. When will this bleeding stop?
I wish this burning sensation could consume me, then I would be some place far from here. I will not be able to remember them, and at least I can breath better. I have difficulty even to breath now, and harder to swallow. I've swallow too much pain and tears. I had enough.
This is the only way I can show all my vulnerability. I am a pile of ashes here, burned to death, but there's no one to come claim this pile of ashes, for I am alone, all alone...
"All I need, is just a hug. A sincere hug from you would do all the magic. I don't even care anymore if you lie, as long as you are here with me, nothing would matter."
I wanted to say this to him, but instead, I told him that I want a break. As usual, I contradict myself, and he hated me for that.
Don't you ever realized it's my low self-esteem doing tricks? I'm just trying to please someone that I love and adore. I hate it, but I can't seem to control it. What am I supposed to do? Without you guiding, I'm sure I would get even worse. Just a few moments ago that I hung up on that phone, I've already missed you. I've already regret.
But what must be done must be done. I just want you to be happy, that all I'm asking now.
If I measure the depth of my miss to you, it would be the amount of tears that I'm crying now. Silly me, I'm still crying since last night. It must have been hours. Why couldn't it stop? I'm such a cry baby. That something that you dislike too right?
You never know why I like Beethoven's love letters to his immortal beloved so much. Silly you, I adapted those letters as your birthday present. Do you know that?
"How can I be sure that I am truly yours, and you are truly mine?"
Now I know. You are not mine, but I'll remain forever yours, till the day I die.