Fucking Pissed Off

I don't know why am I so fucking pissed off right now. WTF! You were the one who suddenly came back in and now you're backing out again for whatever hell reason that is?Is this the only thing that you can do as a fucking grown-up man? Like SERIOUSLY?

I FUCKING HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!

Giving In

I thought I could manage fine. Two days without news was fine, though difficult. I thought this time, I can finally do it.

But you have to come back like that, telling me things that I worry the most. You have to come back and confuse me again.

God knows I am only mere human. Those simple words had me tempted to hold on once more.

But I think I was wrong. The silence was over-whelming. I was again rained with disappointment.

Honestly speaking, I have no idea what we would end up as. When you ask me do I think we can still have a happy ending, I was absolutely clueless about it. I wanted it so much to work before, that I tried too hard and got myself so freaking hurt. I am afraid to trust or hope.

I don't know whether this was only some kind of casualty for you. It was my fault to look at it as something different or even hopeful.

Tonight would be the due.

But I don't know what I want anymore.

Shifted Focus

Shifted the other one here as well. No point continuing there, it will only make me look more pathetic.

I'm coping well I guess, at least there's no tears for the whole day. I'm actually able to stay calm and laugh at a few things. I should compliment myself. Good job, J.

Yet I felt the silence, the long and quietness of this day. First day is usually the hardest to get used to. But I make a clear mental note of not to do anything about it. I MUST refrain myself from letting loose, I MUST stop anymore possible connection. I MUST let go.

I guess I need to try a little more harder. Just hold on for a month. Then, 2 months. Then, a year. Then, forever.

But can I stand this long? Can I?

Pathetic much?

Can't believe I'm actually sitting here alone, in cold. Looking outside the window I saw bright sunshine and bright smiles from people walking back and forth.

Maybe I'm the only one gloomy in the room. It's a Saturday weekend, everybody should be out somewhere having fun or resting at home. Yet, here I am, torturing myself physically and mentally.

I lift up my coffee cup and gave myself a soft smile.

I don't think I can speak with ease later. I think my voice would choke. Seeing the familiar yet unfamiliar always aches my heart the most. I don't think I can handle anymore.

I'm trying very hard to gather myself together now, to form myself back in one piece, to be at least normal again. I wish to laugh freely again, and my tears would not accompany me to sleep every night.

I shall try, because this is my life at stake. I see myself in the mirror everyday, but I could not even recognize myself anymore. Is this me? Is this the real me?

I have been putting on a mask so that people around me would not worry about me, so people would treat me like a normal person. But I'm really tired now. Can I get my rest now?

I'm hiding in my own little world, curling up against my own cocoon .

If only I could turn back time. If only I could do things differently. If only.

Healing

I am thankful for having awesome friends. Thank you for staying with me through this difficult period. I love each and every one of you so much.

Holiday plan will kick start in 2 weeks time. I finally have some time to gather myself up, release myself and indulge!

First up, Video Games Live (VGL) Orchestra at Istana Budaya Kuala Lumpur on 26th May, 8pm.

Next up, Gold Coast Morid Resort, Banting on 27th May

What more could I ask, my favourite music, my favourite white sand and blue sea. Thanks Jen, Thank Nigel. Love you two the best! :)