As I grew older, I realized that my emotions remain stagnant.
The outburst was frightening.
Pebbles after pebbles, when I can no longer hold them back, I stuffed my face into my pillow, silently, yet hysterically shouting for release.
So is this how a person control his vexation?
There's a hole in my heart which can no longer be filled. The ability to heal was long gone.
I guess ignorance is the best way. When I bury those holes deep, where I cannot see them, I can assume that I never get these holes in the first place.
But sometimes, when the light is dim, and the night is quiet; They resurface.
They too want to breathe, especially tonight. It's been a while.
Forgive me for my weakness and my tears. I too, need to breathe.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Monday, August 4, 2014
His tone is getting colder, his love to me is getting colder.
We are getting colder.
Every moment to wait for his reply felt like a decade. Yet when I finally received them, my heart grew even more pain.
How long must this last? Can't you see that I'm trying so hard here? Why can't you just turn around and look at me properly for once?
Why can't you just let me go?
Sunday, August 3, 2014
I guess my only emotional outlet would be here, a virtual space for me to let out my every scream and shout.
I was thinking today. Should I let go?
One part of me says that I should, another part of me says no.
I admit, I still love him dearly. He can still makes me smile easily, but at the same time, he can make me cry as easy.
I want so much to be extra understanding. It is not that I don't see the recent massive changes in his life. But when I tried to put myself into his shoes, I don't understand, why can't he spend some time and attention on me like what he used to be?
And he changes so much. I could not help but compare.
Is it because of those changes that I see?
Or perhaps, it's because of his dwindling feelings of me.
Is it so, that he no longer loves me?
Give me a hint, let me know. Please.
Friday, August 1, 2014
The same thought has been bothering me for months.
Everything has changed.
Maybe he did not realize it, but I do. I'm sensitive in that way, or maybe I'm too sensitive about that. But I can't help but make comparisons between 7 months ago and now.
He used to text me in the morning.
He used to call me when he finishes work.
He used to spend some time texting me.
But now it's all gone.
I keep explaining to myself that he's just very busy, with his new job title and his other commitments. But everytime when I tell myself this, I felt so low and down. I felt like, I am nothing to him.
I told him how I felt. But the aftermath made the situation worse. He grew more distant than before.
He used to hug me to sleep. But now, he turned his back on me.
All these little signs and symptoms are driving me crazy. He is driving me crazy.
Is it time to say goodbye? Even if I said it, he wouldn't mind, right?