I guess my only emotional outlet would be here, a virtual space for me to let out my every scream and shout.
I was thinking today. Should I let go?
One part of me says that I should, another part of me says no.
I admit, I still love him dearly. He can still makes me smile easily, but at the same time, he can make me cry as easy.
I want so much to be extra understanding. It is not that I don't see the recent massive changes in his life. But when I tried to put myself into his shoes, I don't understand, why can't he spend some time and attention on me like what he used to be?
And he changes so much. I could not help but compare.
Is it because of those changes that I see?
Or perhaps, it's because of his dwindling feelings of me.
But when you have to compete with lots of other factors in reality, like career, family, friends, then you realize, you're not really important at all.
But you can't place any blame, because that's acceptable generally. But am I allow to be selfish? Am I allow to throw tantrums and whine like a kid?
I can't. I'm too egoistic to do that.
He told me to just be myself. He was so calm. He sounded like if I were to mention about break up, he wouldn't mind at all. Or perhaps, that's what he wants?
For 25 years, even I myself can't figure out what kind of person I am. I'm that confused.
So be myself, means I camouflage into the person that the people around me want me to be. I people-please my life all these years, sometimes allowing myself to be a mischief, but always, I go back to the crowd.
I am so fucked up right now that I don't even know what I want anymore. The moment I face any kind of hardship, I would assume that it's going to be over.
When have I learnt to view things in such negative way? Why am I always prepared for the worst?
Have I no value at all? Did I not possess any single quality that would make people around me need me, and appreciate me?
What should I do? What else can I do? Can somebody teach me?