My body is ringing it's alarm. All of a sudden I'm aging in a tremendous speed. Symptoms are showing from my hair, my face and my body. Each and everyone of them keeps urging me to change the way I live now.
Yet which youngsters don't live the way I am living right now? Is it because I'm weaker so the signs are showed earlier? For the first time of my life I'm actually worried about my own health. Is it deteriorating in a speed that I could not even handle or control?
All these things stated are so over whelming. I couldn't handle them. I'm scared.
I'm scared because of myself, as well as the sights of the others. If these problems worsen, I will look horrible. I have a real good imagination, so the mental pictures that I have now is absolutely eerie. It's enough for me to be a mediocre in this society, I don't want to sink to the bottom.
How am I suppose to change with all these work load? How am I suppose to take care when there's so many problems to solve? How am I suppose to eat well if the food that I have around me are those without much nutrient?
This is a sick world. It's making me sick, physically and mentally.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Okay okay, I admit my birthday is not so pathetic afterall. At least I get some pressies that I really want. Thanks for the surprise birthday cake that I did not take photo in time. *Big loves and thankius to Joeann, Eric, Alex Boo and Ah Song*
Hrmm went to Uncle Joe for birthday dinner, which I didn't take photo also, because it just feel like normal yumcha day for me, just that the day is somehow special. :X
hmm this should be the birthday dinner I had with my friend.
Sembonia long wallet from JKS! Thanks.. :)
Jill Stuart sunglasses from Sis.. Thanks! :)
CheatOne new glasses from mommy (I bought the frame myself).. Well thanks too! :)
And I got some birthday angpow money as well lah.. :P
Hugs and kisses for you guys. Your presents are very much loved by me. Especially to JKS who came all the way and accompany me for 10 whole days. Lovessss ~
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I got way too many surprises today. I think my heart can't take them all.
I type with my hands trembling, my breathe choking, my heart pounding.
Why on earth the two people that I care the most, who had supposedly disappeared from my life, come back so sudden? Should I be happy, or should I be scared? What kind of reaction should I give?
So I responded with a cold tone, hoping that will cover up my nervousness, even though we are so far apart, and we are just talking in front of a stupid digital screen. God knows how much I miss them both, how much I wish them two to come back when they just left.
But after a while, when I finally let my feelings down, I sat down and think quietly. Is this what I want? Are they coming back temporarily? Or what? Permanent? I don't think so.
I know, this is just a place for them to take a rest, to take some fresh air. But this is definitely not the life they would spend the rest of their lives. So where will I stand at that time? I am different, I have my own responsibilities, or what you should call as burden. But this is something that I should shoulder on, and there's no one else.
I've got myself an answer.
This surprise, is indeed pleasant. I can't deny that I miss you too much, that sometimes I even dream about you. But this, I think, have to stop. We have our own lives to pursue. I finally admit it, I can't follow wherever you go. I was too naive to assume that last time. I am not free, you see. I don't have the same freedom as you do.
So I wish you well, again. I wish you everything that you want and everything that you deserve. I'll be standing here to see you fly, with a big smile on my face, waving goodbye.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
For some who actually read my Facebook status, I did mention that my birthday this year will be a quiet one. No big celebration, no bragging about pressies, no nothing. It just quality time spent with my loved ones and that's all. I am contented. :)
Thank you all who wishes me through Facebook and phone, and apparently Facebook had turned into the best communication device to connect people in this globe. A big thank you to those 86 wishes that I received. Love you all too. :)
Besides the gifts that I get this year, what I would like to mention about for this birthday, is some realization that I get.
I didn't make any wishes, because I know that if I work for it, my wish will eventually come true.
I realized I have lots of hi-bye friends.
I realized I don't have a true friend.
So sad, yet so true. Some of those that I care the most had me forgotten on this day.
It's okay, I tell myself. Just because you care about the others doesn't mean that others have to reciprocate. You are not the entire universe, today is not just your day, you share it with millions of others.
And I let out a sigh, and let this blog post sign off this day.
Today, I turned 22.
p/s: I saw you online today. I'm not sure if it's you. Did you see the message that I left? Anyway, thanks for signing in, you made my day before I sleep. Thanks a lot.
Monday, September 6, 2010
It's just pathetic of me, because I don't really have a friend to talk to when I need to talk, when I need to shoulder to cry on, when I need an absolute support. I thought I used to have at least one, but they proved me wrong. Time took it's toll, fate took it's course, as a human, I could not fight at all.
I gave in to whatever bullshit that I need to go through, I cried I ache, slowly I grow out from that path and gotten myself hurt all over again. The circle never stop.
And what's unbelievable, I am the one who likes to dig out all those old crap. I let myself to be in pain, I allow myself to get hurt.
And because of that, I get my own revelation today. I saw what others had to say about me when I paid my utmost love and attention to them. I saw them, with my own eyes, stepping on my tolerance and pride, I saw them underestimating me, I saw them stabbing me with a sharp dagger.
At that moment, I could not breath again. The air was blocked, I gasped.
All these while I've been trying so hard to impose my trust again, I've been trying so long, but all those effort can be gone in just a second. Every phrase that I read is like slicing of a piece of my meat. This was what you think of me, I see. This was how pathetic I was, I see.
Can't you give me the sense of security that I want, though I never ask? I thought you would understand, but can you please do that for me? Can you cut everything in the past loose?
If you can't, then,
can you set me free?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Finally after almost 11 weeks of non stop lectures, assignments and exams; I finally got my rest today. Although the last mid term paper was kinda crappy, but I'm glad that it's periodically over now. At least, I will get my to-dream-for nap in a short while. It's something blissful, I should appreciate it. :)
Recently life has been filled with tension and unhappiness. Depressing, and at the same time saddening. Another friend has left us by choice, though unable to understand why, I still hope that she would be happy for her own choice and find her own freedom and happiness in another plane. I wish her luck and peace.
At the age of 22, I had lost 2 friends.
If this number continues to grow overtime, can I wish to God that I'll never grow up?
I thought that death news of friends will only reach me when I turn 50, or even 60 and 70. Why at such an early age I'm facing all these?
I know that some people out there have the same experience with me. But trust me, when you receive this kind of bad news within 3 months, you will doubt too.
It is not that I'm doubting God's almighty power. I'm aware that nothing could challenge that. But sometimes when I think about it, I wonder why God wants to take away their lives? Such nice and kind people, why don't God let them live in this mortal plane and make more people trust Him and be happy?
The only explanation I have for myself is that, God loves them too much that He wants to keep them with him, and to save them from the future suffering.
Yes, the Armageddon mentioned in Bible, some believe that it will come true in 2012.
I don't know about how true is this. But if this is to happen, I guess I shall think of those things that I want to do and see before the time reach.
Well, I'll leave that to think about when I'm truly free. Off to bed now. Chaoz.