Christmas

I'm used to have a quiet Christmas on my own. Friends nearby aren't so keen on this holiday, except for some online wishing and seasonal greetings.

Christmas this year doesn't make any difference. I am still as broke as hell, friends are still not encouraging. So I stayed home and watched some awesome shows to countdown.

Merry Christmas people! Wishing you all a happy and prosperous year ahead! :)

Greed

One of the seven deadly sins that I have committed - Greed.

I admit that I have never contented with what I have. I always wanted more, because I think I deserve what others could have. So when people around me have something new, I wanted one. I worked hard to earn one and get one.

I always thought there's nothing wrong with this greed. It was a motivation for me to do things, it pushed me to my limits, it makes me more hardworking.

But when this greed apply to my relationships in life, it is no more a good thing. This greed made me ugly. I am as needy as you can possibly imagine. I am full of jealousy. I want things more than I could possibly have.

This greed made me feel upset about a lot of things, and made me always full of doubt. I could never trust again, nor give my entire heart and soul to one. I am that greedy.

When I have committed this sin, is there any chance that I could undo it? Is there some way to curb it?

There Are Just Some Bitch You Can't Get Rid Off

As mentioned in the title, there are just some bitch that you can't get rid off. Be it one of your bitchy family member, your classmate, your course mate, your whoever person that you are stuck with forever or need to see their face on daily basis. When you encounter someone like that, then let me tell you, FUCKING BE PATIENT, BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Yes some of you may tell me just close your both eyes and ears and ignore it. But when that BITCH goes into your head and nostrils, FREAKISHLY IRRITATING EVERY NERVE YOU FUCKING HAVE IN YOUR BODY, you can't just FUCKING KEEP QUIET! I'm no saint like some goody-two-shoes. SO STOP FUCKING MESS WITH ME BITCH! GET YOUR OWN LIFE!

SO WHAT IF YOU'RE AN ELDER PERSON THAT ME?
SO FUCKING WHAT IF YOU EARN MORE MONEY?
YOU THINK YOU BUY EVERYTHING FUCKING THING IN THIS HOUSE?
YOU THINK THAT MAKES YOU MORE SUPERIOR THAN EACH AND EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE?
THINK AGAIN BITCH!
THAT BLOODY MONEY YOU EARN DOESN'T MAKE YOU A BLOODY BETTER PERSON!
THAT BLOODY MONEY DOESN'T EARN YOU ANY RESPECT FROM ME
THAT BLOODY MONEY MAKES YOU UGLY AND YOU EARN EVERY OUNCE OF LOATHE FROM ME!

Earning more money doesn't mean that you can be as fucked up as this. You are not a FUCKING GOD WHERE PEOPLE NEED TO RELY ON YOU AND LIVE. At least I DON'T FUCKING NEED YOUR MONEY TO LIVE MY LIFE.

you're FUCKING MARRIED AND WHY THE FUCK YOU JUST MOVE OUT FROM THIS HOUSE?
With that proud money you earn have you EVER EVEN CONTRIBUTE TO SUPPORT THIS HOUSE?
OH YA, THANKS TO ALL THOSE "PRESENTS" AND "FOOD" YOU BROUGHT BACK, OUT OF YOUR FUCKING SYMPATHY.
SAVE THAT FOR YOUR OWN SELF BITCH!
I FUCKING DON'T NEED YOUR SYMPATHY!

SO STOP BEING FUCKED UP AND GET A LIFE BITCH!

I assure you I will live better than you, earn more than you and take whatever responsibility that I'm suppose to have for this house. And the money I earn is FUCKING LEGAL.

Troubled

Few days ago I encountered such situation.

I happened to pass by the usual road down my house and heard some noise. I looked towards and saw a dog was stuck in a drain. My first thought was to rescue the dog from the drain. My I was at the wrong place with wrong time and wrong people.

Everyone who knows me know that I am the youngest in the family with only one sister. I was with my parents that time. I immediately expressed my thought to my parents who were not far from me, where my dad came to look what he could do.

And my mom was shouting from afar.

"Don't touch that dog, it's dirty!"
"You will dirty your shirt. Why need to save that dog?"

I was quite used to my mom's over-reacting towards everything that happened. It has been like this forever, and my only hope for everything would be my dad who often support what I want to do. So I looked at my dad who stood by the drain side.

He was just looking. Nothing else.

I couldn't stand the silence. I asked, aren't you going to do something?

"That dog is old. Leave it here."

Leave it here.
Leave it here.
Leave it here.

It was this fucking one phrase that confirmed that I am the fucking black sheep of this family.

I wanted to do something. I really do. But the size of the dog was impossible for me to do things alone. At that moment I hated myself so much. Why am I so helpless, why I can't even do things that I want peacefully at my own home?

They always say home is the only place you get your comfort. Where is mine? Why do I always get the opposite when I'm home?

I feel like a troubled teenager now. I'm back to the troubled self when I was 16, when I was at my most rebellious time. I thought time would change things around, but I was wrong. It was only getting worse.

This home shuts me down, from any possible thinking or voice.

Sometimes when I think of my future, I would very much like to be living alone, supporting myself with the money I earn. But I know I won't and I can't do that. There is still responsibility that I need to shoulder on. I can't be selfish.

Some may think the incident above is trivial. But you won't understand how I feel. You are not the one who live in this home for the past 22 years.

寂寞的恋人啊

固执的7-11
尾声啦夏天
太亮的霓虹灯
天空的颜色好浅
傻子才争吵啊
落叶是树的风险
情感是偶发的事件
用偏方治好失眠

满意你爱的吗
有何新发现
温柔的试验
恋爱的肢体语言
努力爱一个人
和幸福并无关连
小心那爱与不爱之间
里的不是太远

吞下寂寞的恋人啊
试着辛苦的去了解
却是遗憾少见 有谁如愿
真是让人不甘心啊
越是相爱的两个人
越是容易让彼此疼
疲惫了 放手了
不值得 不要了

Old Memories

Dug out all those old photos from my old study table's drawer.

Memories came flashing back. Most of it were laughter. Which idiot will take picture of themselves when they cry like hell.

But there's one in particular, a photo 3 years back that cost me RM 12 from Genting Highland roller coaster ride. It was my first time to go up there, my first time to go play at a proper theme park, my first time to a casino, my first time going to a trip with my boyfriend that time. That photo, had a lot of first time.

I chuckled a bit when I thought of all those crazy things I did with that gang that time. My cousin was my partner in crime. My boyfriend that time, was an all-time supporter for everything that I wanted to do.

But everything has changed now. I grew up. My partner in crime went out to the real world and earn her own dimes, my boyfriend that time went away for better things in his life. Gang in the picture all went separate ways, some for good, some for bad. I wonder, when will the same happy gang gather again, despite all those differences and misunderstanding that had happened?

Humans are just too good in remembering the faults and lies that had done on them. They never really forget, although they could forgive. When lies and faults came adding to a relationship, is it no longer pure, or even worthy to be treasured?

Other old photos proved me right. I had lost too much friends, most of it, was because of lies and faults.

I saw those young faces and look in the mirror. Am I the same person that I see now in the picture? I shook my head, definitely not. We are no longer young and innocent, just like me and my partner in crime. We are no longer girls who talk about boys problem together and would be extremely happy when we get to pull an all-nighter playing games and eat midnight ice cream.

So much have changed. Too much till I can't even recognize my old self. All these are too scary, yet so true. Reality is bloody realistic when it comes to this.

I kept back all those photos in my drawer in shut it tight.

Life as It Is

Life goes on as it is, and it never really allow me time to look back. It's harsh and stone cold. Sometimes I got stunned in the middle of it, I can't move on or surpass something that I should have. Life, why must you be so cold on me?

Having my so-called holiday now, but everything seemed to be so uptight. Bad news coming one after another. Some say it's time for me to grow up a little bit more, face the reality in a harder way. But I'm so reluctant to move out from my comfort zone. I have been under this for such a long time. A sudden change, will that make any good for me? Plus it's only for such short period of time, is it worth it?

But no doubt this is another eye-opener for me. A good incident to show me the true colours of people beside me. They taught me to be independent, they taught me how to put myself in the front line rather than thinking about them. I am no saint or angel, I admit. I am evil and selfish at times, I admit. But which life or reality doesn't push us to be that kind of person? Tell me and give me an answer, and I'll get a gun and shoot myself in my head.

So I guess by this end of 2010, I need to complete some of my year end resolution, in order to survive and move on. Because life is as it is. Life don't wait for no one. Life is harsh. Life sucks.

Stress!!

My stress level is up to my nostrils! WTF!
I fucking hate this life! I fucking hate exams!
SCREW THEM ALL!!

Obsession

It is a sick obsession to force others to think and act according to your wants, and I have one.

I must be quite good in my persuasion. 70% of my pleas end up with the ways I want. Most of it were materials, some of it are humans. Some, are just pure evil intentions.

But lately I find myself reluctant to repeat the act, towards everything and everyone. I just simply, let go. I don't force, I don't beg, I just don't act. When the old me would try anything to get the things I wanted, the new me, well, it's a lazy person. I finally able to give and take whatever that I have been offered with. I have no complains nor kicks.

Is this the way that I'm going to end all my obsession all these while? Am I moving towards the path of goodness?

However, deep down in me there's still an itch, telling me to end things with a final act. A test of ability and skill, I shall put it.

Deep down in me also tells me that, there's a risk of me going back to the old self once I tasted the sweetness of victory. Because once an obsession, you'll never forget the taste of it.

I'm such a cannibal. I know. So should I go ahead to do it, or not?

Thin Line

There's always a fine line between each relationship. From friends, we can turn to lovers. But from friends, we can turn to foes. The relationship is always affected and clouded by our own judgments as well as our emotions. A slight change in any of these, then the thin line will be blurred.

That's why I say here today, there is no certain relationship in this world. One minute you may be close, another and you'll be apart.

It is not that I don't have strong faith in my relationship. I do, or perhaps I should put it as I very much want to have. But sometimes there's just too many things that happened around us that challenge our better judgments, to the extend that it shook the very core of our beliefs. We question, we doubt.

And the fine line here now is crossed. Where the line that drew that relationship some time ago, now blurred, and expanded into something else. We started to have jealousy, uncertainties, and misunderstandings. That relationship evolved into something ugly, and ended up broken.

But why should be blur away this thin line? Or why should we even have a line to label the relationship? Do we need that line to tell us what are we suppose to expect, or to act and respond?

No we don't. And that is why I really can't come to terms with those other halves, saying "you've crossed your line". If you love me, why do you need to draw a line to bound me in? If you love me, why do you need a line to separate us?

Have you ever thought that, if we erase that line, we could not just be lovers, we could be friends, we could be each others' teachers, we could be each others' mentors, we could be anything we want to be, isn't that great?

Let those thin lines disappear, will you? I don't need a line to draw my love for you.

Health Problems

My body is ringing it's alarm. All of a sudden I'm aging in a tremendous speed. Symptoms are showing from my hair, my face and my body. Each and everyone of them keeps urging me to change the way I live now.

Yet which youngsters don't live the way I am living right now? Is it because I'm weaker so the signs are showed earlier? For the first time of my life I'm actually worried about my own health. Is it deteriorating in a speed that I could not even handle or control?

All these things stated are so over whelming. I couldn't handle them. I'm scared.

I'm scared because of myself, as well as the sights of the others. If these problems worsen, I will look horrible. I have a real good imagination, so the mental pictures that I have now is absolutely eerie. It's enough for me to be a mediocre in this society, I don't want to sink to the bottom.

How am I suppose to change with all these work load? How am I suppose to take care when there's so many problems to solve? How am I suppose to eat well if the food that I have around me are those without much nutrient?

This is a sick world. It's making me sick, physically and mentally.

Should I? Should I?

Should I dial that number and say things that I want to say? Or should I read all the signs and refrain myself?

Should I force things to go my way?

Should I give myself a slap on my face?

Or.. Should I be that coward again?

Just some update about my pressie this year :)

Okay okay, I admit my birthday is not so pathetic afterall. At least I get some pressies that I really want. Thanks for the surprise birthday cake that I did not take photo in time. *Big loves and thankius to Joeann, Eric, Alex Boo and Ah Song*

Hrmm went to Uncle Joe for birthday dinner, which I didn't take photo also, because it just feel like normal yumcha day for me, just that the day is somehow special. :X

hmm this should be the birthday dinner I had with my friend.

Sembonia long wallet from JKS! Thanks.. :)

Jill Stuart sunglasses from Sis.. Thanks! :)

CheatOne new glasses from mommy (I bought the frame myself).. Well thanks too! :)

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

And I got some birthday angpow money as well lah.. :P

Hugs and kisses for you guys. Your presents are very much loved by me. Especially to JKS who came all the way and accompany me for 10 whole days. Lovessss ~

Pleasant Surprise?

I got way too many surprises today. I think my heart can't take them all.

I type with my hands trembling, my breathe choking, my heart pounding.

Why on earth the two people that I care the most, who had supposedly disappeared from my life, come back so sudden? Should I be happy, or should I be scared? What kind of reaction should I give?

So I responded with a cold tone, hoping that will cover up my nervousness, even though we are so far apart, and we are just talking in front of a stupid digital screen. God knows how much I miss them both, how much I wish them two to come back when they just left.

But after a while, when I finally let my feelings down, I sat down and think quietly. Is this what I want? Are they coming back temporarily? Or what? Permanent? I don't think so.

I know, this is just a place for them to take a rest, to take some fresh air. But this is definitely not the life they would spend the rest of their lives. So where will I stand at that time? I am different, I have my own responsibilities, or what you should call as burden. But this is something that I should shoulder on, and there's no one else.

I've got myself an answer.

This surprise, is indeed pleasant. I can't deny that I miss you too much, that sometimes I even dream about you. But this, I think, have to stop. We have our own lives to pursue. I finally admit it, I can't follow wherever you go. I was too naive to assume that last time. I am not free, you see. I don't have the same freedom as you do.

So I wish you well, again. I wish you everything that you want and everything that you deserve. I'll be standing here to see you fly, with a big smile on my face, waving goodbye.

Birthday

For some who actually read my Facebook status, I did mention that my birthday this year will be a quiet one. No big celebration, no bragging about pressies, no nothing. It just quality time spent with my loved ones and that's all. I am contented. :)

Thank you all who wishes me through Facebook and phone, and apparently Facebook had turned into the best communication device to connect people in this globe. A big thank you to those 86 wishes that I received. Love you all too. :)

Besides the gifts that I get this year, what I would like to mention about for this birthday, is some realization that I get.

I didn't make any wishes, because I know that if I work for it, my wish will eventually come true.

I realized I have lots of hi-bye friends.

I realized I don't have a true friend.

So sad, yet so true. Some of those that I care the most had me forgotten on this day.

It's okay, I tell myself. Just because you care about the others doesn't mean that others have to reciprocate. You are not the entire universe, today is not just your day, you share it with millions of others.

And I let out a sigh, and let this blog post sign off this day.

Today, I turned 22.

p/s: I saw you online today. I'm not sure if it's you. Did you see the message that I left? Anyway, thanks for signing in, you made my day before I sleep. Thanks a lot.

Pathetic

It's just pathetic of me, because I don't really have a friend to talk to when I need to talk, when I need to shoulder to cry on, when I need an absolute support. I thought I used to have at least one, but they proved me wrong. Time took it's toll, fate took it's course, as a human, I could not fight at all.

I gave in to whatever bullshit that I need to go through, I cried I ache, slowly I grow out from that path and gotten myself hurt all over again. The circle never stop.

And what's unbelievable, I am the one who likes to dig out all those old crap. I let myself to be in pain, I allow myself to get hurt.

And because of that, I get my own revelation today. I saw what others had to say about me when I paid my utmost love and attention to them. I saw them, with my own eyes, stepping on my tolerance and pride, I saw them underestimating me, I saw them stabbing me with a sharp dagger.

At that moment, I could not breath again. The air was blocked, I gasped.

All these while I've been trying so hard to impose my trust again, I've been trying so long, but all those effort can be gone in just a second. Every phrase that I read is like slicing of a piece of my meat. This was what you think of me, I see. This was how pathetic I was, I see.

Can't you give me the sense of security that I want, though I never ask? I thought you would understand, but can you please do that for me? Can you cut everything in the past loose?

If you can't, then,

can you set me free?

Much Needed Rest

Finally after almost 11 weeks of non stop lectures, assignments and exams; I finally got my rest today. Although the last mid term paper was kinda crappy, but I'm glad that it's periodically over now. At least, I will get my to-dream-for nap in a short while. It's something blissful, I should appreciate it. :)

Recently life has been filled with tension and unhappiness. Depressing, and at the same time saddening. Another friend has left us by choice, though unable to understand why, I still hope that she would be happy for her own choice and find her own freedom and happiness in another plane. I wish her luck and peace.

At the age of 22, I had lost 2 friends.

If this number continues to grow overtime, can I wish to God that I'll never grow up?

I thought that death news of friends will only reach me when I turn 50, or even 60 and 70. Why at such an early age I'm facing all these?

I know that some people out there have the same experience with me. But trust me, when you receive this kind of bad news within 3 months, you will doubt too.

It is not that I'm doubting God's almighty power. I'm aware that nothing could challenge that. But sometimes when I think about it, I wonder why God wants to take away their lives? Such nice and kind people, why don't God let them live in this mortal plane and make more people trust Him and be happy?

The only explanation I have for myself is that, God loves them too much that He wants to keep them with him, and to save them from the future suffering.

Yes, the Armageddon mentioned in Bible, some believe that it will come true in 2012.

I don't know about how true is this. But if this is to happen, I guess I shall think of those things that I want to do and see before the time reach.

Well, I'll leave that to think about when I'm truly free. Off to bed now. Chaoz.

Heck Care?

Sometimes I wonder, when I say heck care, do I actually mean I heck care?

So I made an experiment, I counted the number of times I say heck care and the number of times I deal back with the same problem again after I said that phrase and times with a hundred percent, the number I get is almost shocking. It's a full one zero zero.

This big fat three numbers proves that I'm such a bad liar to myself. When I say I heck care, I actually do care even more.

Take instance from a recent problem that has been bugging me like hell. A friend kinda turned her back on me, just because of a new influence, I guess. I was disappointed very much, since we were once so close. But I too realized that I can't force a friend to stay put with me, what more be loyal to one. So I chose to say "heck care" to myself. But it seems to me that I actually care too much, to the extend I started to avoid this particular friend.

I'm a coward, I know. I choose to avoid any kind of hurtful circumstances around me. My knee was scrapped once, I don't have to scrap them the second time.

Claire De Lune is in its magic again. I'm an emo bitch again.

The Trust Issue Again

I want others to trust me, but what about me trusting the others? Trust is a reciprocal effort, I know that. But does he or she deserve my trust?

Once bitten, twice shy. I find it hard to trust now.

I realized I had been demanding too much for asking someone to trust, since I cannot repay back the same level that I expect from the others. I can't believe that I still care so much, still having heartache after so long. The effect of the incident had clouded half of my soul. I became suspicious, I lost trust. The dark cloud, after such long period still refuse to leave me body. I had no choice.

I wonder why is it so hard to trust. Now is my turn having a hard time trusting others. Or sometimes, he or she just don't know when to hide and when to tell lies.

Jo, Vera's Poem For You

Jo,

I was practically holding on my tears when I saw this in class. It reminds me of you. How are you up there in heaven?

We miss you, though seasons passed. Some part of us were gone, because you left.

Some day we're going to meet you again, and that shall be the time we share our joys.

Your friend,

J

Perhaps - Vera Brittain

Perhaps some day the sun will shine again,

And I shall see that still the skies are blue,

And feel once more I do not live in vain,

Although bereft of You.

Perhaps the golden meadows at my feet

Will make the sunny hours of spring seem gay,

And I shall find the white May-blossoms sweet,

Though You have passed away.

Perhaps the summer woods will shimmer bright,

And crimson roses once again be fair,

And autumn harvest fields a rich delight,

Although You are not there.

Perhaps some day I shall not shrink in pain

To see the passing of the dying year,

And listen to Christmas songs again,

Although You cannot hear.'

But though kind Time may many joys renew,

There is one greatest joy I shall not know

Again, because my heart for loss of You

Was broken, long ago.

Trust

Is it so hard to gain trust? Why is it so hard to believe my being? Am I not worth any ounce of your trust in me? Am I that bad, that unreliable? Am I that worthless for you to trust me when I say I didn't do it?

Why are you hurting me in any possible way? The bruises at my back is not as painful as the bruises you left in my heart. Why can't you listen?

I know why. I love you too much. So I'm stupid enough to put my heart back for you to hurt for the second time. I'm not smart you see, I am that stupid. But I want stay this stupid, why can't you let me be that idiot?

I'm in pain, agony, can you trust this? Or no?

Implode

Implode, feeling of collapsing after an outburst. I'm feeling it right now.

It's an emotional outburst that is driving me crazy. The feeling of wanting to forget but can't, can you understand?

I've been gathering all my might to tell myself to forget, but I blame myself for having such a good memory. Everything that had happened keep coming back to me like a wave, one after another. I can't even deal with one, what more dozens?

I need you to hit me on my head, or slap me on my face. Tell me everything is going to be fine, that I'm worrying too much. Who's going to do that for me?

I

aM

Pulling

Life

Out,

Dreading

Eternity.

I Seriously Don't Know

I seriously don't know what I want.

I'm not happy, my friends are not my friends anymore. I'm all alone here, and I hate it.

I thought I'm invisible, I thought I'm hard and strong enough, I thought I won't care, but I'm wrong.

Every step that I'm taking right now seems wrong, nothing seems right. I don't know what else can I do.

I was hoping for that one shoulder that I could rely on, that someone that I wish could be my friend. But I was wrong again. We got too close, and we're so far apart for that.

God knows how long more can I see properly. God knows how long more can I live. I'm hoping just for that one shoulder, is that too much to ask?

I took off my glasses. I let my vision blurred. Maybe that the way I should see things now. I'll just let everything blur out. So I won't see, so I won;t care.

I let my tears fall.

I'm sitting here, with a thousand pieces.

I'm calling out, can you hear?

Where are you?

I don't know anymore.

The Unexpected

I received an unexpected email from a person that have not contact me for so long. For years, I guess. I opened it with my heart throbbing violently. Well, it's nothing. I guess its the new type of virus that contaminate our mail that it will automatically use your address contact to send emails.

My heart went through a roller coaster ride. It was so high, and suddenly so low.

Memories of that person flooded me at that moment. For quite some time I can't breath right. Something's wrong with my heartbeat. But to my surprise I did not cry, not even a single drop of tears.

My heart went normal again. Unexpectedly, I had fore-go the pain that I used to feel when I was reminded of him.

Unexpected, I'm starting to love this.

Hundred

It's been a while since I've drag myself to this blog. The truth is, I'm hesitating to get my post to the third figure. So many had happened, so many things had changed. I'm growing from a naive kiddo to the person I am now. Can't really claim that I'm all grown up now, but at least I can proudly claim myself as a more matured person that I used to be.

A lot of things had definitely changed, most of it against my will. When I thought of it I used to ask myself if I had any regrets. Well, yes I have. But those things also molded me to the person you see today. So again and again I tell myself to embrace all those changes in life. This life is a gift from God that you should happily accept and live with. So be appreciative of every single day of your life, uphold Carpedieum.

The death of my friend and a few people had make me realised that life is simply too short. I remember the tears that I've shed when I heard those horrible news, especially the one with my friend. We had not been so close, but I'll always remember the way he smiled and the way he said hi to me on the phone. I used to call him in the middle of the night and we would share some conversation. He was such and nice guy, and he was gone. I could not help my tears whenever I think of him. He was such a lovely person, and so was his family. They were all good people. God has loved them too much that He want them to be back to His arms.

And for those people that used to linger on my thoughts, they are now back to their rightful places. They are no longer living in my mind, but dwelling at the deepest corner of my heart.

For you, who's now in ShangHai, I wish you the best in your career. May you return here every time with all the glory and light you've always wanted. You have my best wishes.

For you, who's now in Macau, I wish you the very best of health. May you return home to make your family proud with all those learned skills, and may you have your own career soon.

For you, who's now in America, I wish you the greatest journey of lifetime. May you get all the things you want, and see all the wonders in the world that you wished for.

For you, who's now in China, I wish you love, because you deserve someone better than the one who had hurt you so bad and so long.

For you, who's here, I wish you achieve your dreams that you've dreamt about, and do the things that you are supposed too. I wish you all the best in your future undertakings.

And you, who's here too, I wish you luck and everything. Make your family proud, and always be good and healthy.

I officially end this post with those people that has been on my mind for so long. You are all officially released, on this 100th post of mine. God bless you all.

Ninety-Nine

Didn't update for quite some time, proved that I finally had got myself out of some emo-ness. That's a good thing I guess. At least I don'd sound blueish and grayish all the time. =X

I did some changes recently. Had a super short hair cut that makes me look like a boy. I pushed myself to a diet but not really work. And I turned into the laziest creature I've ever seen! All blamed (or hailed) to my brand new broadband. Cost me a bomb every month but I guess it should be fine. At least I would refrain myself from over shopping, but apparently it had not succeeded too! >.<"

Full of changes in 99. Really change 99. LOL

I really hope for the better this semester. I couldn't really get myself entirely out of my depression, but I really wanted to. Friends, I hope you could help me, although the amount of you all are getting lesser and lesser.

To be ex JB friend who is now dwelling in China, wish you make the best pastry 2 years later. Wishing the best in you. :)

Empty Harbour

A lot of things had happened recently. Some are good, some are bad. These mix feelings always bring my emotions to some level of growth, and that I gained something from it. This time, the lesson is painful, and it still hurts till now. It's something that I can't let go just like that. I guess this time I need much more time than before to digest all of these. Some, are just too big and too much to swallow.

I can't even bear to see his name, let alone to see his face.

But each time the pain of missing that someone would tear me apart, that I could control myself no more. I just had to pick up the phone and dial to that number.

I'm such a coward, I know. I have no determination at all.

When will I have the courage to do the things that I'm supposed to do? I'm not supposed to act this way. I should not have sleeping late at night thinking about him, and let myself cry to bed. I want to be brave, I imagine myself to be a tough woman, but I am not. I am not, when it comes to him, I am not.

After all, I'm just a simple woman who needs a simple hug. After all, I need you, after all.

空港 - 戴爱玲

话已经讲完

爱已风乾
心不再摇晃

梦早已存档
谁在寂寞的空港
催促着离去的航班

只能这样

删去你的影像

就没有遗憾
这次我很坚强

不再有幻想
你的梦不够宽敞
装不下我的泪两行

今夜我就要离航

点亮月光

走进没有爱情的空港
忘掉感伤

忘掉所有替你圆的谎
不必伪装

天塌下来就让别人去扛
没有你那又怎样

你真的不必再勉强
我不会再有期望
今夜就要把你释放

乘着月光

航向没有梦想的空港
面对忧伤

面对明天我会更勇敢
不怕风霜

告诉自己就在这里松绑
没有你就是这样

剪断月光

停在没有回忆的空港
独自疗伤

抱着自己好好哭一场
不再迷惘

不再对你存有任何遐想
没有你不会怎样

就把你遗忘

把你遗忘

I vomited all my guts out after 1 bucket or so beer. Didn't feel right, yet felt damn right.

Went back home with a shitty look, family was worried and scolding. I don't give a fuck, I went straight to bathroom and vomited again, and slept.

Woke up in the afternoon feeling like shit.

Are these the procedures that I have to go through to forget you?

I must have been crazy. After so many bloody hell you gave to me, I'm still in love with you? You've been so bad to me, yet I still put up hopes? Am I crazy or hallucinating? Fuck!

That's why I've been desperately wanting to leave this place. I must be away from the place you're staying in right now. I must go. Forgive me for my stubbornness.

Why things always have to end this way.

Let Go

Everyone tells me to let go. I listened, but I can't seem to do it. Why are you tempting me in every possible way? I tried to hate you but I could not do it. I tried stop calling you but I could not do it.

You know what? All these are just shitty. I'm shitty.

烟

最近有股冲动想学抽烟，想把那些复杂的情绪吸进去再吐出来。这应该算是种情绪上的输送吧，我是这样跟我自己说的。可是我始终都过不了自己那关。这到底是我吗？还是只是一种逃避？就算学会了抽烟又怎么样，我会变得更好吗？

说穿了，我只是想找个借口来让自己堕落。

只有在抽烟的时候，不断咳嗽，拼了命想让自己呼吸正常一点，我才不会去想他。

只有在抽烟的时候，反复动作，规律得让我的脑袋放空。

脑袋一旦空了，我就再也想不起什么。

抽烟，应该会让我整个人都放空了吧。

我终于明白了为什么有人执着于抽烟。

寂寞的时候，有根烟陪着你，似乎是件不错的事呢。

我想抽烟了，你会来阻止我吗？

Lesson To Learn

I admit I was fucking mad at myself previously.

I'm just fucking pissed off with myself right now, at this moment, everyday in my life currently.

All this is just not right. What am I doing now? I don't even know myself anymore. I feel like there's an alien in my body to direct me to do things. My body have it's own mind. I'm a fucking zombie.

I live and breath everyday, but never had I felt so lost before, as if my life was without a purpose, so damn meaningless. Everyday is just a day, no fucking big deal. What's more to this life? Is there nothing else out there?

My friend scolded me a few days ago, said that I don't have enough working experience, that I haven't see enough of this cruel working world. But believe me I had seen enough of this bloody world, this bloody truth. I am indeed facing it right now. My every sight and hearing reminds me of it every fucking day. Can you believe it? I'm actually facing and looking my pain everyday, and I can't even run away because of the bloody truth of the world! Fuck myself!

I wish the pain would go away.

This is my coward wish every time I get hurt. I would prefer to go away and hide.

But this time, it's entirely different. I'm forced to stay put and look at it. And I have to deal with it, no matter what.

Is this the lesson that I have to learn nearing my 22nd years of life?

I wish someone is here now. Even a simple hug will do. I need something to lean on for this painful lesson.

WTF AM I DOING?

I'm pretty sure I'm not in a normal state.

Do you see me going all out to pester just one person, so that this person could pay extra attention to you?

Do you see me flooding people's inbox so that this person could notice me?

Do you see me looking at my own mobile like an idiot whole day, hoping this person would call or message?

DO YOU FUCKING SEE ME DO ALL THESE FUCKING BULLSHIT?

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

A Shout Out

I knew I've made mistake. I should never get close to you, because I have lost you as my friend. Now that you're gone, you disappear from my life again. Somehow I sensed that this is going to be permanent. I got too close, and you choose to go away.

But I must really tell you that I've never regret that. It might have been the last memory you left for me. I'll treasure them forever, I promise.

Now the silly me is crying in the middle of the night. I really miss you badly, and I wonder where you are. But all this must be kept in heart, because I know I must be strong, and I must not bother you anymore.

I once called you my brother and my friend, and I once blindly hoped that we were more than that. Now all these are just dreams.

I hope you will come back to my life again, someday, I'll wait.

Commitment

This word has been bugging me forever.

I was once at the phase of rejecting commitment, where I think committing to that one and only person is a stupid thing to do. There are so many people out there and you hooked yourself up to just one man or woman? Isn't that a stupid thing to do? So there come a phase where I was wondering myself around different kinds of people, experimenting and trying. That was my past that I was not embarrassed to admit.

Then it reach the age for me to think more rationally. What was so wrong for being committed to that one and only? Isn't that a sacred thing to do? So I started to imagine love to be a wonderful thing for you to appreciate, and that was also the time where I hurt like shit, but without regret.

And until now, I still think commitment is a beautiful thing to give. But that's just me, I understand that a lot of people are still not willing or simply unable to give out this kind of promise.

For that person especially, I understand why you say you want to take things slow. I know I tend to rush things, but that's just the way I am. I grab good things when I see them, it's just natural for everyone right? I know this may sound wrong, but it's hard for me to change the way I am, right?

So please don't just walk out from my life, just like that. You have participated so much before, so I can feel the effect when you just withdraw suddenly. I too will feel pain, I too will feel lost. So if you really want to take away the commitment that you have given before, can you please do it slowly? I will understand all of them, I promise I won't cry.

Please. I had enough for all the bullshits in my life.

Its Been A While

Been laze around for quite some time. Not in the mood to do anything reallty. I practically just dragged myself through everything, especially the final exam. I wasn't even in the mood to read anything properly. I just read blankly and answer blankly, just like that, the exam was over.

I guess it should be a good thing, that the most stressful thing of all was finally over. I simply do not need to pretend that I fucking care anything. I just want to wrap up everything and be through with it. There's nothing much that I miss in this place, except for some fabulous people that I've met during the very last moment that I live. I thank God for the appearance for them all. Thank you for making my life filled with sincere laughter again, I do love you all very much, and I long for the moment that we all meet again.

And that's at least the one good thing and memory that I left in this place call Kuala Lumpur. I came with so much anticipation, but left with much dissapointment with a pinch of happiness. But I do regard this as a happy ending for me in this place, it is so much better than what I've been through at other places. I've known friends and siblings that I could keep for life, and that's great, I must be thankful for being this lucky.

And I'm smiling now, although I'm back to the place that I've once left with so much tears, because I know that I'm still blessed by the love of those who concerned.

At last my blog post ends with a happy note. 89th, it's officially my favourite number from now on.

:)

I Give Myself a Big Laugh

I just realized, it's my 88th post now and I'm still struggling on the same thing. So it looks like I have not been progressing at all, I'm still as stuck as ever.

So this is a bad news I guess, being as trapped as before. I can't seem to get myself out of those problems that bother me. None of them have resolved, and all of them had equally get on my nerves. It all left me feel so helpless and stupid, and I no longer feel I'm a complete person anymore.

And I naively thought that there's a chance in changing all these. I thought I found something that I've hoped for, but it only lasted for seconds, and it all just dimmed away. I wasn't even able to react. I have to let go.

So I think I'm just "it". With no where to run or to progress, I'm just going to stay put like "this". I hate this feeling, I used to be a happy-go-lucky one, where the hell has that part of me disappear? I even thought of using cigarettes to make my problems go away, but luckily (or sadly) I don't have enough guts to do so, or else I'll end up as a smoke addict.

Therefore I now give myself a big laugh. *L A U G H*

I Miss You

I went for a short vacation nearby the seaside. Try waiting for the sunrise but the clouds actually blocked the entire thing. So I didn't get what I want, I didn't get to see my favourite sunrise. Nevertheless I did enjoyed myself by having a good time nearby the seaside picking up sea shells and pebbles, flipping my hands and legs with the sea breeze and the salted sea water.

But this part of my vacation made me realized that I missed him a lot. Such a long time without him, my world seems incomplete. Days without his voice is slow, days without his face is just lame.

I miss him, yes I miss him.

He was so sad before, and I just want him to be happy. Maybe when I go away, he could get the peace that he wanted so much. He deserves this much of happiness.

Hey

Hey there..

I never really thought of the story behind it, so when I know about it, I don't really know how to react. Please do forgive me if I have done anything inappropriate. You know I mean no harm, you must know it was all for you to feel happier.

I want to save you from all this pain, but I really have no idea how to. The pain that you are going through right now is so great, that I myself feel lost too. You must be strong my friend. You must go through this and get your life back. You deserve every bit of happiness that you can think of. So be strong alright? I promise I'll be there for you as long as I could.

I'll do assignments with you if you're rushing them,

I'll sing with you when you feel like shouting Linkin' Park,

I'll watch horror movies with you even if I'm scared,

I'll get drunk with you if you feel like drinking,

I'll cry with you if you feel like crying.

Just remember, I'll be always here for you, even if you're far far away. I'm always here. I won't turn my back on you, never.

April

I'm scared.. April is finally here.. What if he really disappear in my life, just like that..
Please, at least a message or a call.. Please let me know you're still there..

Where Are You When I Need You The Most?

Right now, I'm friggin' alone and cold in the library. Where are you when I need a warm hug?

When I doubt myself, where are you when I need someone to tell me I'm good?

When I hate myself, where are you when I need someone to tell me that I'm being loved?

When I cry, where are you when I need the shoulder to cry on?

When I die, where are you when I need someone to put a stalk of white rose in my crossed palms?

Where are you, when I need you the most? But I know, I'm talking to the air now. Such person just don't exist anymore. Not anymore in my life.

恋爱就只是这样吗?

A:她：“老公。帮我接杯水呗。”

他：“石头剪子布。谁输了谁去。”

她：“算了。我自己去吧。”


B:他们坐在一起看韩剧。她起身。他问“干吗去？”

她：“去接杯水。”

他：“你坐这看吧。我去给你接。”


女人要求不高，她对男人唯一的要求就是“疼她”

你可以什么都没有，只要你疼她，她就有足够的勇气把自己的下半辈子交给你。



A:他晚上下班。给她打电话“宝贝儿。我晚上和朋友出去吃饭."

她：“你不是答应我陪我逛街的吗？”

他：“改天吧！”

她默默地流泪。为什么每次都是这样？

B:他下班的时候打电话给她:“亲爱的。别人给我一张奥运会的票。巴西队啊！一会儿我去
看球了啊。”

她：“哦。这样啊。好吧。”

他：“怎么不高兴了？”

她：“你忘了。上周说好今天我朋友和她男朋友请我俩吃饭啊。”

他：“哎呀。对不起亲爱的。我忘记了。那我把票给别人吧。我陪你去吃饭。”

她：“不要了。吃饭可以改天。或者你先去看。我们等你。”

他：“那不行。答应你的事情必须得做到。再说你自己跟他俩在一起像电灯泡似的。你肯定不舒服啊”

她：“没事……”

没等她说完，他很强势的告诉她“好了，听我的，你收拾一下，我一会儿去接你。”


其实女人不是不懂事，只是她需要碰上一个懂事的男人，其实情侣之间是可以互相的。



A:他：“我晚上出去吃饭了啊。”

她：“几点回家？”

他：“九点之前肯定回家。”

九点半，她：“你怎么还不回来啊？”

他：“十点。肯定回家。”

十一点。十二点。一点。两点……

后来，她不再打电话催他，因为她知道，对于不守承诺的男人，一切“肯定”都是“未必”。

B:他：“我晚上出去吃饭。九点之前肯定结束。然后我俩去看电影。”

她：“你能那么快就结束吗？”

他：“放心吧。我答应你了就一定能！”

快到九点的时候。他：“收拾一下吧。我马上就到你家了”


信任，是在一件一件小事中建立起来的。



A:她生理期。身体不舒服。顶着疼痛洗衣服。收拾屋子。

他坐在电脑前面玩网络游戏。

她干完活。躺在床上。长出了一口气。

他看了她一眼：“宝贝儿。辛苦了！”然后转过头。继续玩他的游戏。

B:她生理期。很难受。起身准备洗衣服。

他拽住她：“你去床上躺着。我来！”

她：“你会做家务吗？你自己洗过衣服吗？”

他：“不会做可以学着做啊。以后你身体不舒服的时候。我当然得独挡一面！”


女人需要的不只是甜言蜜语，哄她几句，她也许会给你一个微笑

但是实实在在的呵护，她会对你一辈子的感恩，并且会回报给你一个温暖的家。



A:她给他拿了一包榛子。然后她去洗衣服。

回来的时候。榛子已经被他吃得所剩无几。

B:她拿给他一包榛子。然后自己去收拾屋子。

回来的时候。她看见电脑前面放了一堆剥好的榛子仁。


女人很感性。她炫耀你对她的体贴，就好像炫耀克拉钻一样。

这么廉价的买卖，用一点心思就能收获无比的财富。



A:他说：“你是最好的。”

她问：“我哪好？”

他：“学历高、能力强、长得漂亮、对我又这么好。”

她笑了。

B:他：“你是我所遇到最好的女孩儿。”

她：“我哪好？”

他：“你对身边的每个人都很友善、很无私、对人对生活总是很感恩、一个人有一颗善良的心、会让周围的人感觉到温暖，你是我见过最善良的女孩儿，伤害你的人都应该下地狱！”

她哭了。


一个人，是因为你对他好，所以觉得你好。
一个人，是因为懂得你的好，所以想要对你好。

幸福的恋人，首先应该是一对彼此欣赏的知己。

81st Post

I thought I could be distracted, but I was proven wrong. Some say absent let the heart grows fonder, now I truly feel that. For you absence, is definitely missed.

It's been quite some time since I hear your voice, how are you?

It's now end of the month, so I guess you're busy period will end soon. I hope everything's fine for you, you really should take care.

I have been keeping things with myself recently. I've given myself a period of time to wait for you, at least a call, or a message. If you really can't make it, then I guess it's the end for all my waiting. But I'm still not certain if I can do that to you, but I shall try, because I think I have to do them eventually.

But right now, I still miss you, a lot. I still wonder what are you doing everyday, are you eating well? Are you sleeping well?

J.N. I miss you lots here. Do you feel the same too?

Hmph...

I really should not think too much.. I shouldn't..

The nice long conversation during dinner really seduced me to the max.. It was at the tip of my mouth to ask. But I managed to stop myself, from creating such an embarassing moment with him.. Darn.. It was like real close, luckily the words didn't spilt out yet.. If not I'll definitely lose a friend.. =(

Today was as usual, sitting in the library silently with him. I guess library is a good place to do stuff, and to stalk on people you have a crush on..Haha.. But he's definitely not to be disturbed.. He looked so stress.. >.<

I really should stop all this.. It's not healthy at all..

* He smokes Malboro, kinda cool.. LOL.. *

In Library

Claire De Lune can really make me turn blue. *sigh*

I was hoping to see him today, since I have my 4 hours break in between my class. So I thought I can bring my laptop and do my work with him. But when I stepped in the library, I looked around. He's not here. Then I waited till now, he's still not in sight.

He must be busy for his FYP, I can totally understand. Tomorrow is the due date. But why am I still feeling a bit lost, and somehow disappointed?

I must really control my emotions. He's just a friend, and I promised myself no more than that. He's leaving the country soon, what am I thinking?

Debussy is really a genius. He can mess around my mind with his Claire De Lune.

TianYu, my new friend =)

And it's good to know that when you just got dumped.. And the person you're waiting for keep giving you a cold shoulder.. =)

I'm happy that I can still do something crazy with my friends, despite the fact that I'm not really in a gay-ish mood.. =P

It was definitely something spontaneous. I never know that things could turn out well. I've only intended to let him know the existence of me, after 3 years of checking him out. But I would have never expected him to seriously reply, and willing to meet and talk to me in person! That was really the luckiest day after so many bad days that I've been through these few months. I'm pleased! =D

His name is TianYu, foreign student from China.. Too bad he's going to graduate soon and go back to his hometown.. And not coming back for graduation.. >.<

But at least he is a miracle for me after so long a time, he's undeniable my lucky charm.. I guest I can still ask him out when he's available.. We're going out for movies this weekend.. XD

TianYu, wish you luck in your FYP and future undertakings.. Jia You ~ ^_^

Block

Sometimes I see my old time friend's photos in facebook profile.. They all look so happy and contented.. Then I ask myself, what have I been doing so far? Why am I still here? Why am I unhappy?

These questions remained unanswered, and I remained unhappy.. I guess nothing can really help me out from this mud pool.. It's all psychological.. It's all up to myself..

My brain tells me to be rational, my heart tells me no.. Which one should I follow?

Then I look at myself again.. Not pretty, not exceptionally brilliant, not really with good personality.. I'll say, no wonder I'm being dumped.. They are all so perfect.. Who am I to compete with them? Friends tell me I'm just fine.. But still.. I just feel pure pathetic..

I know I'm not without the love from others.. But how long can they last? When I'm finish with what they want from me.. Will they still stay by my side when I need a friend or a company?

*Writer's Block*

I do need a man to love me afterall.

男人 其实你不懂

女人不吵了、不闹了、不叫了，就是真的不爱了

女人说要离开，是伤心了，是你让他失望了.

女人明知道你们之间没有未来，却情愿留在你身边做个普通朋友，不是她太贱，只是她舍不得 .

女人故意在你面前提到别的男人，不是她花心，只是想要刺激一下你，让你多在乎她一点 .

女人不主动打电话、发信息给你，不是不想你，是她不够自信，你接到电话、短信时，是否也同样的想念她 .

如果女人不爱你，是不会对你发脾气的，不要报怨自己的女朋友脾气太怪，女人只对她爱的人发脾气.

女人不是不知道你还有别的女人，她选择独自伤心却不揭穿你，是害怕揭穿后给了你一个离开她的借口.

女人总是在你面前假装很开心，不是她没心没肺，成天傻乐，只是为了在你面前留下最美的样子.


男人 其实你不懂

1 她总是问:你在哪呢?你现在在干吗?
(她很想念你,只是想跟你说说话,你不给她发信息,她很矛盾,怕你在忙,但又忍不住想你.换了别人,爱干嘛干嘛,她不关心.所以请你一有时间就问候她一下,让她放心,让她知道你心里有她,她不会烦你.她总是主动联系你,她会觉得她贱.)

2 她说:我不开心了,我好烦.
(不要怪她无理取闹,更不能觉得她在烦你,她不是真的不开心,她只是想你了.只是想要你会来安慰她一下,哪怕是:乖,别闹了,听话!)

3 她说:不要感冒了./路上小心./自己多注意……
(不要嫌她烦.因为她知道你不傻,甚至是很聪明的.她只想让你知道她心里有你,她很想关心你)

4 她总说自己又长胖了或者长得不够漂亮.
(不要觉得她是在自卑或嫉妒别人,她只是怕自己在你眼中不够完美.她已经在为你改变了.)

5 她总说她想要帮你,要你有什么事一定要告诉她.
(其实她知道她帮不了你什么,她只想让你知道你还有她,她永远在会你身边陪你,会一直的支持你,)

6 她看到你跟别的女生亲近一些就会生气,发小脾气.
(别说她小气,不信任你,她其实是在吃醋,这表示她十分在乎你.即使心里难受也会自己安慰自己.)

7 无论做什么她总会征求你的意见.
(不是她没主见,太过依赖你,她只是尊重你,凡事以你为先.)

8 不管在哪里她总是紧紧的和你站在一起.
(她只是在告诉你她信任你.)

9 她爱忧伤,总是会多想.
(不要觉得她是想太多,只是有时她会觉得缺乏安全感.)

10 她假装生气转身离开.
(其实,她不是真的想走,只是离开的时候希望被挽留.)

11 她会突然冷淡你,或是向你撒娇.
(别怪她孩子气,她只是想让你哄哄她.)

12 也许有一天她会跟你说分手.
(其实,这个时候她已经喜欢你好久,只是不确定这份感情是不是对的.她只是要你的安全感,你的舍不得,你的不要走……）

Wednesday

17 / 3 / 2010

I just remembered that I have your photo in my computer. It was really an old one, long before you went overseas to work. And I have another two photos of your screen shot. All those are really old memories, can’t believe I still keep them. I shall keep them longer.

I guess you’ve made a call for me by mistake today. So I’m sorry for the calls and messages that I’ve replied back. I thought you have things to tell me or something. But it’s okay; hopefully you’re doing well over there, and no longer feel upset. You know I want you to be happy.

Today is Wednesday. I remembered you liked Wednesday.

I miss you.

I'm Okay

I'm sorry that I try to put my hope on you.. I know I shouldn't have.. I'm sorry..

You said you're upset recently, and again I can't do anything about it.. You never allow me to help or even be there for you.. I'm really out of my wit.. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it.. So when you say stop contacting you through phone, I just do them for you.

I don't know why you're upset.. But I would very much love to help you.. You're like an important part of my life now.. I know this might sound crazy to you.. But seriously, five years ago when you entered my life with internet, you've somehow changed my perspectives towards life.. I have different views, different horizons, all because of you.. I never noticed them until you're so far away from me.. You may seem near, that we live in the same city, yet I feel so much more distant compared to last time when you're not here..

My dearest, I don't know how should I address you now.. I once called you my friend and my brother, and I was hoping that this relationship will elevate to another level. But I guess none of these would come true now. I wish the best for you, I hope everything turn out well for you..

And I want to tell you,

I'm okay, J.N., and I'll always miss and love you.

Jasmine

I Need Help

I shouldn't go on like this, I know.

It feels like I have nothing in life now, and now I'm desperately seeking for something to hold on. I don't know how long this situation could last, I just hope that everything will be over, or perhaps I'm wishing for my life to be ended.

I hate this negative aura that surrounds me, but I can't seem to control them. I'm not looking all over for them but they always manage to come to my hiding place. I have no more place to hide, nor too tired to play hide and seek. I need a log in my pool of water, I need a saviour.

I don't want to make anymore mistakes. Any mistake could kill me now, easily. My shining stars dimmed, and I'm lost. Where are you when I need you the most?

Act Accordingly...

to my instincts! =)

A few days ago I was in a depressed state. I was unable to understand myself nor the others, and I've decided to give myself a break from everything. As usual I skipped classes like mad and went out to have some fun. They were kinda costly, but I was happy. So fuck off all those worries that follow behind, heck care!

But reality still needs to come back and do their jobs. I need to be haunted by them in order for some progress. My research paper was hanging sky high, and I don't really know when do I have the mood to do them. But at least I already have an idea to do things, so I guess that's a plus point? *nodding in agreement*

And one thing about this crazy weekend, I went Kuantan based on my instincts!
I've been craving for real oceans and sands, and if possible some sun rise action. And I achieved them! Well not the sun rise because I was sleeping like logs at that time. But I get to shove my feet in real sands !! I swear I would go Kuala Terrengganu soon for some better beach on the spot. XD

And while typing I figure, this is actually my first blog post that become less emo. So I guess I'm getting better now, aren't I? =)

But friends keep tell me, maybe they need to slap me some times to make me awake. Do I really need those slaps?

Anyway I'm going to end this blog post with an emo note.

I've sent you messages today but seems like you didn't get to read them, or too busy to see. It's okay. I'll keep trying. =)

Unsend Message

I accidentally cut my left hand today.. So now I have a light red scar on it.. It's kinda pain when I have contact with water.. But I guess it will be fine.. Not a biggy anyway..

But I guess when it turn brown, or even gone, you won't be getting to see them..Maybe the next time you see me, I'll be perfectly heal, from head to toe.. Who knows..

I miss you.. Days without your voice are slow.. I hope you're doing fine over there.. Take care..


From: Jasmine

Whirl Pool

My mind now is spinning like a whirl pool.. Nothing is making sense now.. My heart pouding fast and hard.. It's difficult even to breath.. My chest is aching..

I know.. This should not happen.. But why?

I wish I can see you now..

Shit.. I miss you..

Take care..

March

In the beginning of the month I start to miss a person, carried from the previous month. I find myself can't stop thinking about him, I don't know why.

I wonder if I can turn my miss to action, so that I can see him in person. But I know it's impossible, I do not wish to intrude someone's life like that.

Hey, you there.

Do you know that you have messed up with my mind these few days? A simple message from you will soothe my nerves, a call for you would make me happy for the rest of the days.

But you're still so distant. I don't even know how to be connected to you. Or how to tell you what I actually feel about you. So if I tell you here. Do you mind? My blog don't have wide bunch of readers, so you should not be bothered about privacy.

I like you, a lot. You asked if I need more time, well I really don't. You asked if I can let go of that previous jerk, well I do. You asked if I could be your girlfriend, well I don't know whether your question is still valid or not, but yes I definitely want to.

I know both of us have doubts, especially you. You once said that we were so different, that you cannot see our future together. But what I would tell you, is that can we try to make things work? I'll try to catch up with you, I'll try to be part of your plan, I will not slow you down. But again, will you be with me when I need you? Will you be here when I say I miss you?

I really hope I would get a positive answer from you.




I miss you loads. I wish I could see you right now. But you said before you're busy this month. So I guess not. Take care.

Disgust

Someone told me that I disgust him..

Yes.. I'm a slut, bitch, whatever you name it..

I even disgust myself now.. I feel like vomitting..

I need someone to console me now.. Can you find me one?

I Miss That "Messy Room"

I can't believe that I'm saying this. I'm actually missing that place that I've only stepped in for one time. Is this a sign of my madness? I hope not.. =X

I just want to say, I do everything for a reason.. My decisions, they doesn't really come in sudden.. But that day was an exception.. I wasn't really using my brain.. I did whatever that my heart told me so.. And that so actually soothing.. Such long a time I have been burdening myself with thoughts and rationality.. It's time to let go for a while, even if just for a night.. At least it's something worthwhile.. I'm happy for what I did.. =)

And I miss that moment, and that person that makes me lose my mind.. I was not even pretending, I was not wearing my mask.. I'm being myself.. I felt so relax, as if nothing painful had happened before.. But the other parts of me tell me to wake up, because it might just be another temporary fling.. But I really wanted to believe, I want to put some hope in it..

I don't mean to frighten anyone, but this is my true self.. Embrace them or begone with them.. I have nothing much left to lose now.. My heart now is still in mending.. I hope you would come heal it.. I don't even care if you're leaving.. I just want to have whatever moments that's left..

I can't believe myself again.. I'm actually serious.. Can I go back to that messy room again?

I Would

I would gladly declare myself as single now
But I can't.

I would love to be selfish and care only myself
But I can't.

I would happily have some alone time and focus on my stuff
But I can't.

I would like to fall in love with other man
But I can't.

I would generously let go
But I can't.

I would do and agree whatever that they want
But I can't.

I would sincerely forgive
But I can't.

I would,
But I can't,
I just can't.

For the girl who might be reading, I'm still finding reasons to forgive. But I do not blame you. Be happy, and be good with him. I give my blessings.

是真的吗？

有时后真的很难相信，真的已经解决了吗？还是我又掉进另一个深渊里？

我自己反反复复的，其实我自己也是好伤。我已经不知道要怎么去调整我的心情了，因为不管我怎么说真么想，我的心还是痛的，无可救药的。

我好舍不得，可是发生了就是发生的。我想当做什么都没发生过，可是那些都是真的，都是逃避不了的现实。好痛好痛，可是还是要面对，要承受。过程很痛很痛，可是生活还是要过。每一天我都跟我自己说，算了，这些都是真的， 在挣扎也没用。 对啊，都改变不了什么，为什么呢？为什么要这样子呢？我也不想要痛，可是我也不能控制啊！

其实我很想说，我很爱你，很想你，到现在还是一样。我很想说，只要你不再跟她联络，我什么都可以忘记。可是我也知道，那是很自私的想法，我不能这样做， 对吗？

对不起，我真的很爱你， 也很难忘记你。请你原谅我的脆弱，我真的做不到，真的真的。

Aching

My heart is aching. Why everything seem so distant, when the relationship was once close and happy. I hate this feeling, I wanted so much to call, and to say I love him and miss him once more, but I find myself in no rightful position to do so. I am, indeed, a stranger right now. A person with no relation, nothing will connect us anymore.

My pain is still not eased, my breathing is still not right. Everything about me now is a total mess, it's really painful to bear all these, I'm suffocating.

I tried very hard to find myself some distractions, but I failed. Everything keep reminds me of my pain. I started to have worse nightmares every night. I can't even sleep well now. I would wake up with tears, and I'm very clear that it's not healthy at all, but I can do nothing about any of it.

Nothing. I hate this word. It made me feel so helpless, so useless.

I admit, I need him to be with me. I wanted not to care anything, but my rationality says no. I wanted so much to be selfish, but looking at him and everything around him, made myself say no. I want to love him like I used to, but the thorn was there, my brain and heart say no.

It's aching so much now, day and night. How can I get rid of all these.

亲爱的, 我想好好的跟你走下去.

我们的第一个情人节, 是跟家人一起过的. 这应该是件好事吧, 对吗?

最近的我们有着太多的争吵, 我有着太多的眼泪.很多事都是无法避免的, 但是我的试着安静地听, 安静地接受. 但是这中间发生的事, 其实我们彼此都很清楚, 在我们彼此的心里, 那一条裂痕, 都会永远的存在. 我试着接受, 试着忍让, 可是不听话的泪水总是会落下. 这些泪我都没办法让你看到, 因为我想用最开心的笑脸来见你.

你知道吗? 其实我有多么想放弃, 可是因为是你, 我反反复复的, 把你搞乱了, 也把我自己搞得更伤. 说分手的那一天, 如果我让你受伤了, 请你一定要原谅我. 因为我只想让你得到你最想要的东西. 可是当我看到那些不属于我的东西不断地出现在你身边, 不管是新的, 还是旧的, 我总会觉得我才是那个多出来的人, 真正该呆在你身边的人其实不是我, 而是别人. 我反而觉得我是那个第三者, 我才是那个破坏你们感情的人.

你们有着太多的回忆, 那些, 都是我无法给你的. 我是多么的自卑, 你看到了吗?

可是我想说, 虽然很受伤, 虽然忍得很辛苦很难过, 我还是想坚持下去. 我始终相信, 有一天, 你会记得属于我们两个人的记忆, 你的皮包里会放着我们的照片, 你会把所有旧的回忆统统都洗掉, 然后换上新的记忆. 我真的很想这样相信. 可是我又对自己没有信心. 我到底该怎么做, 才能让你把心安定下来?

或许是我太贪心, 我不应该要求的这么多. 可是自私的我还是忍不住的去想, 忍不住去比较和妒忌. 亲爱的, 你的心还在吗?

所以现在的我, 每天都过得小心翼翼, 深怕一个不小心, 你就会离开我. 现在的我, 什么都不想理, 不想看, 不想听. 只要你还在, 那就够了.

亲爱的, 情人节快乐. 请你一定要快乐, 也请她一样快乐.

Weak

I give myself a try. I try not to care. I pull myself out from any possible connection. But I still miss him, a lot. I feel so weak about myself. I can't even think straight or act straight, I just can't make myself forget. I need a blow on my head.

I understand that it's just a phase, but this phase is taking too long a time, it had affected me physically and mentally. The torment and the toll, I can't take them any longer. I wish for a break, but who's going to give me one?

Can you set me free? Can you cut me loose and let me be?

I'm Begging

I'm begging for peace in my mind. I'm begging for those shits to get out from my head.

Please. Can't I have a moment of peace and serenity? I need to fill myself up with good essence, not all these pains and sorrow. I desperately need something good to happen in my life now, but I can't even get the simplest peace in mind!

I'm begging. Please. I don't even want to care about anything now. I just want some quiet moments with nothing in my head. Please.

Do I have to wait till the day I die? Is that what I should do?

Mask

It was as if the air is acidic. Every breath I take in is burning so hot, that I cough without stopping. I can't believe I'm actually staring at those pains again, while typing out all this pain craps. I know all of these are just craps, but I can't help it. I can only put up my mask for a while, I'm no expert.

Yes. I'm wearing a mask constantly now, that it covers everything within me, about how I actually feel about things and see things. I pretend that there's nothing that can harm me under this mask, because this mask protects my innards. But bloody hell, I am indeed fooling myself. Masks as thin as air can hide me, but can never protect me. I am still as hurt as before, or even worse.

This mask that I'm wearing is shielding me from the people I love. It's more like my shell, and I'm the fucking snail.

Sometimes I really wish to express my feelings more verbally. I would very much like the courage to say everything out loud, but I never succeed. There's always something in between, and mostly it was because of my coward-ness that prevent. How could I change this side of myself? Why am I not protecting myself? Why does it looks like I'm actually welcoming those sufferings to myself?

I need a good mask. But I prefer a person that I can face without my mask. But where?