My Conclusion for 2012

At the end of 2011, I've decided to write a post and dedicate it to every single one who had walked into and out of my life.

I shall not disclose names, I'll simply do a simple yet comprehensive conclusion about all of them.

All of you,
Came to me due to certain reasons, certain coincidences, certain situations, certain times.
Some of you,
Left me due to certain reasons, certain coincidences, certain situations, certain times.
All of you,
Came and went so easily,
But each and everyone of you,
Left a certain marks in my life,
Which I can never deny and abandon.

Some of you,
I regret not knowing you more.
Some of you,
I regret knowing too much.

But all of you,
I had never once regret meeting you in this life time,
Because all of you are the one who help mould me the person that I am today.

I am stronger today,
Older,
Supposedly wiser,
All because of all of you.

And thus,
I appreciate every single one of you,
Though some may have hurt me,
May have let me cry,
I say here today,
I forgive every single one of you.

In this new year of 2012,
Let us all start over with a brand new page.
Wishing you all a very happy and smooth-sailing new year.

Memories

Life has been going on as usual, nothing really happened and every single day is filled with boredom. Every single day I'm hoping for some changes, but every single day is a disappointment. Sometimes I wonder, why did I even bother to take up government scholarship at the first place. At first I thought that it would be a very easy thing - with the least money spent, I can finish my degree in university can get a secured job, no payment needed. But when I'm already half way towards that, THIS have to happened. Months and months of waiting without any notice from the government, and my heart is getting colder by days.

If only I did not take the offer, I would have been working by now, earning money that I'm supposed to earn, shouldering responsibilities that I should have take.

But now everything is on hold, just because of the others. And I can't do a freaking thing about it.

How I wish I could turn back time and undo what I've done.

Or at least, let me go back to my happiest moment, when I have no worries or unnecessary stress. I wanted so much to go back to my schooling time, although I have a bad fashion sense back then, I wouldn't even mind.

But everything will only be possible, in my dreams and my memories.

#ForeverAlone Christmas

The title mentioned it all, I'm not celebrating this Christmas. Some people whom you think he/she cares would just easily abandon you when other entertainment presents. FML

All I Want For Christmas Is You

Santa hasn't been really kind to me for the past few years, because all he gave to me was an empty pocket and a real fatty tummy. Every Christmas all I can think of was the food, and the cheap shopping that comes after the food; and when it's finally the new year time, I got to stay home and slurp instant noodles in my mouth.

BUT 'FRAID NOT THIS YEAR, AZORIAS IS GOING TO GRANT MY WISHLIST WITHOUT ME SPENDING A DIME!!
How cool is that!



OH YEAH ~

So for my wishlist, I'm not going to be greedy, I'll just pick the one and only. :)

Check this out!



ONE statement fashion piece is ENOUGH TO DO LOTS OF THINGS!

This jacket is simply fantastic as it can toughen up the whole look easily with a strong hint of fashion. It can be paired up for work, and also for play. This jacket brings instant chic-ness for the one who is wearing it, and it will definitely brings attention!

So, enough words, JUST GIVE ME MY JACKET ALREADY! :P


p/s: people! Do remember to shop at azorias.com for awesome clothes and fashion statement pieces like this. Wish me luck on this! :)
Here's the link to my Azorias wishlist: http://azorias.com/wishlist/

Don't You Wanna Stay

Another page of my life had just gone by, and thank God everything went smoothly. Soon I'll be stepping into the next chapter of my life where I have to shoulder more responsibilities as an adult. But the truth is, I have been dreading this moment to come.

What I really want is to just stay as a happy student that I once was, and the biggest problem of my life is when my boyfriend dumped me.

But now everything is not as easy as before. My biggest problem now no longer concerns only me, but people around me. I have to start thinking for another person, have to be considerate, have to be tolerable. I have to be someone for somebody else.

But seriously, don't you wanna stay at that point, where nothing matters, and the world consists only you? Don't you wanna stay that way?

Do You Notice Yourself When You Have Gone Overboard?

Most of us doesn't really pay attention to what we are saying at the moment, where things simply slip out from our mouths. We do noticed this when other people do it right in front of us, and we would give either direct or silent comments about the insensitivity of this person. But how many of us, actually realized the same situation when we ourselves do it?

You won't realize it, do you? Even if you do, it would be too awkward for you to apologize and to take back whatever that you have said.

But words can't be taken back. Once it is heard, it is registered right there and then into the listeners' minds, so there's no turning back.

So when you tell me that, "I said sorry, what more do you want?"
Let me tell you, once harsh feelings has been caused, it is kinda hard for the person being commented by your "accidental slips" would forgive you in any time soon.

I understand that we live in a world full of criticism and judgments, but we must always remind ourselves that our words alone is the most powerful weapon to help you either to elevate or to push yourself down in this social circle. So please please please, always spell-check yourself whenever you feel like blurting out something on someone, or to make immediate comments on the other person. Please evaluate the situation where you are about to make comments on, whether or not it is appropriate.

You probably think all these are bullshits. If you are, you might be the person who do all these bullshits. Word of advice, look in the mirror to comment on yourself before you make comments on others. Think of the kind of rumours to spread about yourself before you bad-mouth on the others.

The world doesn't need another piece of junk like you. I might as well recycle you in the bin for the greater good on Earth.

Abandoned, again

I figure I've been abandoned my blog for quite some time - 2 months to be exact. Been no mood to do anything significant in my life except for handling monster spawns in my school. I let out a really big sigh when it was their last day of school. FINALLY they had something better to do instead of ruining my mood every day.

Life has treated me real "kind" so far, looking at all the fats that I have been collecting over the months. My weight has gone to another height in my life, which is not something that I am really proud to say. I kept telling myself to stop eating but it seems like I can't take my own advice.

Other than that, I figure the last big challenge for me in this 2011 would be my SPP interview, which is on this 25th. I have no freaking mood to study and have no freaking clue on what it will be. I just hope everything will turn out fine and I got my job, hopefully. The government owe all TESL graduates this much - to pass us all and let us all get our much-delayed job.

Will update again when I finish with that stupid interview. No time for me to emo now, even online.

Challenges

Wasn't really in my best of mood. Tonight will be the first night that I'm still awake after 12am since I've started working 2 months ago.

Got some really bad news, and was thinking life is really a bitch to everyone. Life comes and goes so easily and there's no way to predict. How can we mere humans take this? Sometimes I was thinking, if this is some sort of challenge from God, isn't it too over-whelming?

I am lucky that I do not have to endure all these loss and pain. But for those who had to around me, I felt extremely sorry and guilty. Who am I to deserve better treatment from God when I'm a worse person?

I am not proud of who I was, and there were so many things that I wished I had not done in the past. Though I don't ask for bad things to happen to me or my family, but I do not wish the pain to be endured by my friends.

If I could, I would take the pain.

If I could, I would switch place with them.

But who on earth would be this noble? All these are merely my emotions talking. But am I willing to actually do it?

I don't know.

I am a weak human being too. I can't take those pain and loss too.

All I can say is, be strong. I will always be at your side when you need me.

Do You Know?

Do you know?
That I'm actually all choked up because of you?
Because of all those tears for you?

Those tears, that I once vowed I will never show again.
Those pain, that I once swore I will not endure again.
Those heartache, that I once cursed I will not have again.

But it's all there, on that very night.

Do you know that I am so worn out?

Have you ever try to understand the reason why?

Even if it's just a simple pat on my head, or a simple promise from you for me, it will be more than enough to stop those silly feelings.

But I know you can't do it. You won't do it, and you will never know.

That Feeling of Heartache

It was there again, that feeling of heartache I once used to feel. I wanted so much to tell myself that it's nothing, but it is just not possible.

We are already so far apart. Why can't you be more sensitive to what I feel? Why can't you try to be me and imagine how I feel? Sometimes I hate you so much, but I'm at fault too.

I can't bring myself to trust you. I'm sorry.

Forgive me because I can't stand those sights. Forgive me because I am this narrow-minded. I can't, i just can't.

Maybe it's time now. Is it time?

There's a Limit To Everything

When I tell you that it's out of my limit, then it is out of my freaking limit. I don't do jealousy.

Us Apart

There's so much uncertainties and differences going on lately. Because of distance? No?

I guess that distance does matter. No matter how hard you try, there's always this gap that you can never go through. The lack of the physical companion, and the emptiness that cannot be filled at the right moment or the right time.

It's even more tiring when you think that you are the only one who's making all the effort.

Slightly Abandoned Blog

Been neglecting this blog for quite some time now. I was really busy with my new job. Everyday was so packed with the preparation for the teaching tomorrow and stressing about how to handle those monkeys in school. Life as a teacher is really hectic. I guess I will have to learn to be more "stone-hearted" before I can really be at ease in this job.

I wish I could be those really "veteran" teachers who are "stone-hearted". I got to know from my current students that their previous teachers used to let them copy all the notes and exercises from the blackboard and that's it. No teaching was done and students are left to figure out the whole lesson on their own.

But deep in my heart I told myself I will not act like those teachers that are really irresponsible. I will not disappoint those young minds with those kind of irresponsible teaching. I am not messing up with our future generations!

And I guess I will never be at ease doing my job. When I vowed to be this serious with my job, I am also vowed to be forever bullied by those young kids.

FML

A Friend

Suddenly thought of a foreign friend when I was at university. I knew him when I was about to leave the place, when I was at the moment of heart broken. He was the same, just that his heart never mended in one. His heart was shattered even that incident happened a year ago. He was at his most vulnerable state, and I was at my recovering stage at that time.

I'm really glad I met him that time. He gave me the reason to believe that there's still good men out there, like himself. I can gradually let go of my own pain when I was trying to make him happy again. I silently accompanied him for the last month before we both left that university, and that was the only month I felt meaningful in that 2 years of university.

It was as simple as that. I gained a friend that I never had before, and I had a clear mission that entire month. My goal was to make him have hope again, and to make him happy again before he's back to where he is supposed to be.

And tonight I thought of him. It was all so sudden. He left a simple message for me, saying that everything is okay with him, that he has found a job and is busy everyday. It's just a few sentences from him, but I'm happy enough. He's finally okay now, though I don't know whether he had let go of his pain, but I'm sure he's doing fine over there.

It is a relieve to hear such good news from this friend. He was really special for me. I can still remember the amount of wine and beer that I had in my tummy for that month, but it was all worth it. Thank god that he is fine now.

TianYu, good luck! You've been missed here. :)

I Told You To

I told u to smile,
but I'm not.

I told you to go with it,
but I silently says no.

I told you to believe,
but I don't want to believe.

I told you to love,
but I hope you would forget.

I told you so many things,
but none,
is what I really want you to be.

I'm sorry, I love the way I lie.

Age and Maturity

Some of us might think that the age of a person would reflect on the maturity level accordingly. We would expect adults to act adult-like and for kids, its okay to act child-like. Those exceeding expectations would be labelled as immature or childish.

But is there any possibility for a child to act adult-like? For some reasons, I would answer a big NO for this questions. Children nowadays are way more pampered than the children last time. They know no sufferings, no hardships. Okay maybe I'm being a little too stereotype as not all children are behaving this way. But generally, this would be the type of children we will see everyday.

I now change my perspective entirely. I have witnessed a different case.

That child is beyond my expectations. He is cool and rational. He is fun and socialable, but at the same time lonely as hell.

Just because of that one particular life experience that he had been through, it changed him. He is now more considerate, and also very vulnerable. He holds on to the things that he had once let go, and now he endures the pain alone. Sometimes late at night he would go sleepless, and cry a little, embracing the memories that were once so sweet that turned bitter.

It was a one particular life experience that changed a lot of things.

Life is the best teacher that everyone could have. Kids act immature and childish because they have not encountered things and incidents that would make them grow. So we would grow wiser in time, where we get more and more lessons from our everyday encounter. Sometimes I would think that I am more immature than some younger people around me, where they think much wiser. There are definitely things that I can learn from these people.

Age does not necessarily reflect the maturity level of someone. That is the moral of my lesson today.

Deletion

There was once I was so sad and pissed off by a person, that I could not even bear to see the person's name appearing in my Facebook. I could not bear to see this person updating stuff, and I deleted that person.

Some time later, we accidentally chatted. And I added the person back.

Today I thought back of that time, I thought myself as real stupid and childish.

Today I'm at the brink of the same anger and sadness towards a person, and the same thought of deleting the person's face entirely from my contact reach. And I wonder again - Will I, after some time, laugh at my own stupid and childish act again?

I wasn't sure. The urge was so strong this time.

Will deleting a person's contact save me from all those pain and heartache? Someone tell me?

别再哭了

伤心情歌播几遍了
你的眼还湿红红的
生命总有些过客
现在不过多了一个

结束了何必再拉扯
有些事总该遗忘的
你听着听着又哭了
我明白的谁都难免不舍

别再哭了 多不值得
想一想把爱情看透彻
生活苦涩该他负责
他会后悔他做了这选择

别再哭了 多不值得
失去也是另一种获得
伤心情歌 不属你的
幸福不一定非爱谁不可
难熬的 会经过的

The Nonsensical

I'm glad that all those nonsense have been put to an end. Finally I don't have to feel guilty. It's the day that I'm happily rejected but reborn, as a better and more responsible person.

I should have been more rational to avoid all these pain. It's entirely my fault, and I have no one to blame.

I tell myself, it's okay. I'll be fine, and big girls don't cry.

Frustration From Here

I was asked to change today. I saw it coming, just that I did not see it as early as this. It was somehow embarrassing, but I accept my fault, I have no grudges about it. But when I see some other people took advantage of this, I got rather pissed. So what if I did something wrong, do you have to speculate my every movements in here? It was at the tip of my mouth to voice out my dissatisfaction but I hold my tongue. This is still a place where I don't entirely belong.

The school is like a melting pot that will melt away all your real self and personalities. It will consume you, and eventually you will turn into the same species of teachers you talk about everyday - fat ass and gossipy.

And what happened if you refused to be melt into the same mould? You wil definitely be scrutinized and talked about. No doubt with that.

It is as what I've said, ripping away my beloved freedom. I need my freedom. Some may comment me on my naiveness on this matter, that once I stepped into this profession, there is no turning back. But I love teaching, yes I do, but the people and the system is making me sick, sicker and sicker everyday. The more I be in this profession, the more I see the ugly truth.

Do you know that you're messing with people's mind, when you're messing with students' life?

Do you know that those students that we teach, are those who will one day feed all of us and our country?

So what is the problem with a little bit of kindness? What is the problem with you listening to what they have to say?

Students became rebellious, not because they are naturally born this way. Nobody is born evil or naughty. It is because of the society and surrounding that push them into this. Deep in their hearts, not even one would want to be that rotten apple. Why don't you just listen?

All these frustration is so over-whelming, that I can't even breath right when I was sitting here and typing.

I can just tell myself that all of it will end soon. And my another hell would come soon enough to haunt me like this every single day.

Random Update From School

Watching my hand getting harden my chalk powder makes me think a lot. Is this teaching profession really for me?

For a moment I doubt my ability in doing things. I am not exceptionally hardworking in doing things like other teachers do. The actual teaching practice scared me. I did not sign up for all these bullshits in teaching profession, I just want to teach.

I was forced to do the things that I don't want to. I was not allowed to do things as freely as I want to.

This profession has been nothing but ripping off my freedom in life, which I love so much. I need freedom like a pampered child. I just need it, no other explanations.

But there is something magical about this job, the bond and relationship that you build over time. When you see a bunch of stranger monkeys getting used to you, starting to respond to you and be your friends, you'll actually feel touched.

For a moment again, I think I'm perfect for this job.

But then again and again, can I deal with separation?

I hate this kind of feeling. I hate my feelings being all over the place. This is bad, really bad.

Bag Packing

I miss that feeling.

I miss having a bag pack on my back and start my own journey, going to somewhere unknown. I miss the thrill and fun of it. I miss meeting great people, going to great places. I miss the journey where I can pluck in the earphone and listen to my favourite songs, knowing that when I open my eyes there's something new for me to see.

I miss the soft sands I once stepped on. I miss the breath-taking scenery that I once saw. I miss that gentle breeze that once caressed my face. I miss the amazing sunrise and sunset I once witnessed.

I miss that feeling, that feeling of being alone but not alone. I want to go bag packing again.

I Can't Believe Myself

Sometimes when I say something to myself, like some sort of self assurance. And after a while I'll eat back my own words.

I can't believe that I'm saying this right now, but sometimes even I myself can't trust myself. It's like this what-the-fuck situation where I can't even control it.

I contradict myself so much that even myself can't trust myself.

I will soon get fatter for eating my own words so often.

And I can't believe I say this right now, I regret saying all the things I've said all these while. I regret them and I wish nothing had happened. Then nothing would have to change, I would not have to change.

Behind Every Cloud, There's a Silver Lining

I have to believe that, one day, eventually, all the dark clouds will go away, and the sun shall shine on me again.

I have to, I must be strong.

Privacy

What's the point of setting password in your online account if you know that there's constantly someone who's going to go in there and check on your things?

I thought giving someone your online password means that I trust that person enough to access to my private cyber space, but it seems like the trust is not reciprocating.

What's the point of you having my password if all you do is to check on my every single calls and messages that I have sent? I seriously can't understand. What's the meaning of this?

So I'm not being trusted at all? I can't have my own friends? I can't have my own things to manage through my own phone? And I freakishly don't even have a chance to explain?

What is this all about? Do I have to report my every move? Every calls I make? Every message I send?

Must I do that every single day to maintain this relationship?

Am I always the wrong one, and you are always the right one, and I must follow every single "advice" that you gave me?

Do you even know me or understand what situation I'm in right now?

You, I seriously don't want to fight with you. I walk away because I don't want to argue. I don't want to explain because this time, I don't think I'm wrong.

You are, indeed, violating my privacy. I gave you the trust to gain access to my online space, it doesn't mean that you can abuse it like that. You check on me when you're not happy with me. You make judgements before you even bother to ask me the actual situation. So what's the point of my explanation when your trust for me does not even exist?

I had enough stress and problems from my work. I don't need more from you.

Back

You came back again, out of no where.

Was it pleasant? I wasn't all sure. But it was good to have news from you again.

How are you now? I hope life's been good to you. I am fine over here. Work started and I was stressed to the max. But right now, I can still cope it. Thank you for asking.

Waiting makes my heart grew fonder of you. That's weird, I don't know how that happened.

I hope this time around you'll linger longer. Let me catch my breath before you're gone again.

Blame It On Who?

I've always been asking questions.

Why am I not born in a richer family?
Why am I not born pretty?
Why am I not given things that I want?
Why can't I trust every single friend I have?
Why can't I have this oh-so-perfect boyfriend?
Why can't I live my life like I want?

I end up blaming the others, and blaming myself.

Today I wonder why I never learn to appreciate.

I am born in a moderate family, at least we are all quite happy together.
I am not born pretty, but at least there's people who adores me.
I am not given the things I want, but at least I can learn to like the things that I am given now.
I can't trust every single friend I have right now, so I can find myself more friends and I learn to trust myself more.
I don't have a perfect boyfriend, but at least the one I have now is a good guy with great heart.
I'm not living the life I want right now, but I will cherish whatever I have now and make the best out of it.

Even if I'm not rich, not pretty, I still have my own little life. It may not be great, it might not be interesting to others, but it is still the life that I need to go through for the next 50 years. So like it or not, I am going to love every moment I have right now.

So the same applies to the crisis I have now. I used to cry and whine, I used to blame. But now,

I'm a grown-up now, I'm going to face crisis like an adult. There's no one to be blamed on, just you and yourself.

To Those Who Are In Pain

"One Day You Will" - Lady Antebellum
(Dave Haywood / Charles Kelley / Hillary Scott / Clay Mills)

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

Chorus
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

Repeat Chorus

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

Repeat Chorus

One day you will
Oh one day you will

Sudden Thought

People always dread what they don't have. Am I correct?

Today I was browsing through several pictures online and I had this sudden thought. What if I'm the person in the picture? Could I possible substitute them? Could I be better?

All of those pictures are a role I once played or never play. I've always wanted them but I can't have them. When I asked the reason why I can't have them, they reply in the same manner - "It's not the time for you yet."

So when exactly is the right time?

When you people tell me that, have you ever think of the answer of my follow-up question?

I believe all of them could not answer my question. It's too hard for them to handle someone like me. So I should laugh, shouldn't I? The fact that I am too much to handle, either literally or figuratively.

So what happen now would be I would continue to drag on till eternity, and those who told me it's not time will find some other person with better timing.

Life sucks, and I know it. But what we can do is to embrace it and make the best out of it. So I play a little trick or tell a little lie? So what? As long as it will not harm any other people, I don't see the reason why we should not lie.

That statement, I guess, contradicted my own self. I've always upheld the notion of honesty. But sometimes when you're being too honest, you end up hurting each other, you end up hurting other people.

Mu sudden thought is weird today. I wish to be someone I'm not right now.

Finally At Work!

Been quite some times since I update this blog. Finally I'm in the real practice, the real classroom situation. Finally, after 6 years of learning and training!

It wasn't easy to be in the classroom, facing the actual students. All the mock teaching that I've done before were totally different from I am experiencing now. It was hard to keep up to the pace and time, what more the students' random responses. It is definitely a touch call, I was at the brink of giving up during the first few class. But I think it will get better with the passing of time, just need to gain some more experience to handle those hyped up teenagers in classroom.

Keep telling myself shouldn't be a problem. But I am having trouble myself. I've been eating like nobody's business. I wanted to start my gym routine but with all the work load, it is so not possible to happen.

I miss the old workout self. At least I get to sweat all those unhealthy things out. I miss my gym. :(

It's Not a Place I Belong

Festive season, everybody looking forward to go home. I'm not.

This place called home doesn't really bring me any warmth or comfort I'm supposed to feel. What it really brings, are more disappointments and endless frown.

I would tuned the music to the point I can't listen to any outside voices, and live alone in my own world. One whole day right in front of my lappy, one whole day that would be a blessing, provided there was no disturbance of sudden loud arguments or sudden smack on my shoulder asking me to stop staring at the screen.

It's so hard to be here. It's getting harder when people starts to tell you what to do today, where to go later. It's the hardest when people you called family condemn and mock every move you make. It's the hardest when people you called family threaten you to death when you put on a straight face and refused to say a word.

What's my silence when you people do such a thing in this place called home? When you don't respect this place, why should I even waste my voice in this place?

I was being nice by not saying a word. If not I would start a war.

I was used living alone outside. I know what I'm supposed to do. I had my own future planned. I know what I want. I know what I need and what I like to do when I'm free.

I do not need another person who don't really understand me to tell me all these things.

It saddens you more when a figure you once looked up to now fails you.

This was a place where I used to find shelter or comfort. Why is it not anymore?
It's because of you people. Why don't you people accept changes and shut the hell up?

It's 2011

It's almost till the end of January now. Feels like everything is flying through in an amazing speed. I didn't even have a chance to slow down and catch my breath. Life is just hectic for the new year start.

A lot of things changed. I have to grow up this year. Moving out, supporting myself. There are a lot of things that I realized I can't rely on others anymore. Especially with my mom and dad not working. I suddenly felt a heavy responsibility to shoulder my family. I know it's not the time yet but the feeling is so strong, until I choke on myself sometimes. Is this the feeling that I should be having to be truly growing up?

Somebody is fireworks outside of my rental house. I wonder how long that beautiful thing going to last.

It's 2011. Everything till now was not easy at all. At this moment, this is the moment I teared for the first time this year. And I thought I could be stronger after so many things that happened.

It wasn't easy, at all.

With you, it's so hard when you're not with me. When you're angry with me, everything just felt not right. Why are you always angry with me? What more can I do? Why aren't you even talking to me? What did I do to make you this cold to me?

You, I'm running out of ideas, do you know that?

2011, I shall cry myself to sleep tonight. I hope those tears could turn into my rainbow tomorrow.