The Victim Syndrome

I always thought I have this victim syndrome. I would always fall for some guys who are not ready or are unable to commit in a relationship. I told myself over and over again not to fall for the same trap again, and yet again and again I find my way back into this painful abyss.

Finally when I met the recent him, I thought all of this would be over. He is the kind of guy who shows commitment, shows attention, shows love, romantic and everything I would ever ask for from my previous failed relationships, it was good at first, almost too good to be true.

Yes, it was too good to be true. I found it life-choking after 3 months into this relationship.

I'm losing time on my own, I'm losing my own private time, I'm losing everything that I'm proud of myself last time; even though I was a failure in several relationships. But with my own time to heal and my own way of surviving in the dome of solitude I manage to be strong, independent and happy.

I starting to lose myself in this relationship.

What is happening to me? Am I turning into someone I used to curse and hate? I am afraid of commitment?

When I don't get the things I want, I whine. When I finally get the things I want, I dodge.

It seems like I'm forever stuck being the victim, or a predator?

Mid November

Been too lazy to update, or to even put effort in anything. I practically laze through the whole of 3 months. Every day and every day, repeating over and over again.

And it was the end of a year again, without me realizing.

Suddenly, I realized time wasn't that kind to me anymore. It had moved so fast without me even realizing it.

I know it is all my fault, because I have made all these happen. I am the one who let my life to go on this way, aimlessly.

Yet when I am writing this now, I have no intention to change any bit of it. I have decided to let my life drifts.

Goodbye, passion. Goodbye.

August

This month reminds me of this movie named "August Rush".

A movie filled with music, love and tears; and most importantly, the strength to hold on to one's belief even if the situation does not encourage you.

By the time I finish this movie I question myself, do I have the same strength to hold on as well?

And immediately I got the answer. No.

I am not a strong believer, even when everyone tells me I can, I doubt my own ability.
Even when the situation allows, I hesitate.
Even when I'm told to leave, I linger.

And I figure, the one reason for me to hold on all these while is starting to fade away, so does my faith, and my strength.

When you walk away, did you know that you were the reason for me to hold on?

Miserable Start

Just when I thought everything are finally going towards the better, but the wheel has to turn so soon. I don't even have time to rejoice, to actually feel lucky; and everything has to be taken away.

My career has gone down the slope. My family is in a mess. My relationship has gone haywired. I myself is a complete mess.

The only thing that I can tell myself now is "I'm okay". That is the only phrase that has accompany me without fail through these year.

I'm okay. Everything will be okay.

Good Night, Good Bye

Let me do this one last thing for you alright? Let me help you make up your mind.

And when I do, please try your best and fight for what you really want this time; hold on tight and don't let go.

Good night sweetness gracious. Good bye.

Nightmare

I remember I was looking frantically for someone or something. And so I screamed and screamed, but there's no voice coming out from my dry throat.

I ran and ran, but there's no one in sight. And when I started panicking and crying, I fell down from a tall building.

That's when I wake up crying, sometimes shouting.

And when I open my eyes I cry even harder, gasping for air.

It's all happening again, isn't it? The same dream. Must it always have to be like this? Must I get used to this?

616

Woke up this morning feeling tired as ever. The sleeping condition has not improved a bit, where I can only get the very minimum amount of rest. I looked down at my feet and laughed a little; even in the comfort of my own house, the nightmare would not go away.

But I decided to be hopeful for the day, as I was back him for something joyful and festive. Arranging one by one, those wedding invitations cards are divided into different piles according to different address. I saw the small laugh on my parents' face while they were figuring out the number of people coming for the wedding buffet. Their faces were aglow and genuinely happy. So I wanted to feel the same way as well, I want to be happy.

In the afternoon I was out meeting some new friends who were really nice and friendly. I was able to laugh and smile a lot. At least that was a good try. But seeing his face I remind myself not to try on that treacherous path again; he's a good man, I do not deserve a good man.

But he was so kind, his face was sparkling with sincerity. The genuine kind of concern and care; they were all so compelling. The more I restrain myself the kinder he is to me.

So I decided to repeat the same act again. I have to push him away as far as I can. I acted all needy and tiresome. I acted petty and dumb. I acted everything that I hate in woman the most.

But he is still there, standing still as ever. He does not even bother to pull away, instead he asked me why do I do all that. It was as if he knew what I was doing.

And so I gave in, and told him the every vulnerable part of me. And he gave me the warmest hug ever, whispering in my ears that everything will be okay.

It has been so long since I felt some genuine feelings given to me.

Though there's mutual likeness in between, nothing really changed after this night. We remained friends whom I really thankful to. If it was not because of him, I would still be stuck in my old nightmare, thinking myself as pathetic and forgotten.

I should try to sleep tonight. I hope for a good night sleep, which I'm feeling positive about.

Good night, 616. I wish today would repeat all over again.

A Tribute To Tun M

Yesterday I was rather heated up by Tun M's article regarding equality in law. It was brilliant. A well-fired yet subtle enough mockery to the current unjust happenings.

At the age of 85 he manages to keep his head so clear and still keep close attention to the things that happen around him. Some think that he misses his power back in the 80s, where he is said he is capable to rule Malaysia single-handed. But how many of these people actually blurted out those blunt opinions based on what they think? Or are they simply parroting what the others have been gossiping in the kopitiam?

A normal 85-year-old retiree would sit at home and enjoy playtime with his grandchildren. A normal 85-year-old would enjoy a quiet and peaceful life with his loved ones. A normal 85-year-old would enjoy sipping his cup of coffee while reading newspaper in the morning sunlight. Yes, that is the image of an 85-year-old that the society can accept and tolerate.

But this 85-year-old is loud and firm in his speech. His concerns have led him to write pieces and pieces of articles based on his own view points. He actively join social events that have invited him to talk about his opinions. Indeed, he owns a large group of supporters; But at the same time he gained fiery comments on his comeback to the political arena, as well as lots of opponents.

Every single day he is flooded with critics and comments. People are inspecting his life after retirement. His every movement is again under the spotlight.

Do you actually think he enjoys the limelight? Or he is so hungered of attention that he wants to get himself involved in the politics again? Perhaps he has nothing better to do besides writing pieces of articles that would get himself harsh critics every day?

Yes, he may be Tun M's, one of the greatest leaders that the world has given recognition, he too, at the same time, is a normal 85-year-old. We always forget that he too will grow old in time, because his image of national leader is so deeply rooted in our hearts, that we all immortalized him. If he wants the limelight and attention, he could have it any time, or he could have done it in a different way. He could have talk about something else, besides this sensitive issue of politics. Supporters of his would still adore him. But why did he chose the hard way?

He is definitely not sadistic, yet from what I believe, his clear mind would not allow him stay quiet in such chaotic time. He is a true patriotic soul that genuinely concerns about the welfare of the country, and he is loud and harsh enough to voice out what he thinks without fear. Though hit hard by tonnes of denouncing voices, he continues to do what he believes in and continues to be speak out his mind.

Again, do you think he is so bored of his peaceful and quiet life that he decided to spice up his life a little by getting this sort of extra attention? Or he might want to try how much more stress can his heart take after that two major heart surgery back in 2008?

Some may think that my post today is shallow, that I have failed to see his faults during his reign. There were corruption, power abuse, fraud and maybe more under-covered crimes. Yes, I do not deny that. But is the political arena a clean slate to begin with? Can I name one political figure in the world that has never got himself associated with any of the mentioned faults? No. Can I name one political figure in the world that is corrupted and felt no remorse? Yes. In fact I could make a list with news evidences everywhere.

At times like this, we forget that Tun M is a 85-year-old. At those time we have forgotten that Tun M was also a mere human being who needed to survive and secure his position. He did what he had to do to stay put. As a matter of fact do we have someone at par with him if he were to step down from his position at that time? Could he quit everything and let go?

I am not trying to make Tun M a saint here. Whether or not he has committed those faults, I do not know; but the one thing I do know is that he has made contributions to the country that have brought Malaysia to another step forward, towards modernization, towards world-class economy and education, towards globalization. All of these progress have grown within our people, that we have grown more mature and open to foreign cultures and ideas.

Numerous policies were introduced in his time that have benefited the mass. Diplomatic relations between Eastern countries like China, Japan and Korea were improved. Far-sighted ideologies and ideals were shared with the public, as he wanted our people to transform into first-class citizens. He wanted us to learn from the best and pick up the best attitude in order to elevate our country into a better place. He gave us a clear goal to follow so that all people, irregardless of race or religion, could work together towards a similar target.

Such leadership was highly appraised around the globe, where again and again he received the highest form of recognition from different countries. Yet our own people see the fault in him, as if his 22 years of hard work was nothing, that the country is better off without him. Really?

Have you ever sit down and think rationally, for once, that what could have happen to the country if he was not there during the 1997 crisis? Would we end up like Greece? Or perhaps Indonesia?

Some would tell me they thank him for whatever that he has done for the country, but his time is over and he should never get himself so involved again in the political arena.

If the country's political scene is a tranquil picture with nothing but bright sunshine and wide green field, he would have stay put in his now quiet and comfortable life. But he risks his own health and reputation to go out to the public again and make his constant appearances, for attention sake?

For once I plea the people in this country to not just be grateful to his contributions but also his comeback. His voice carries influential weight as people do acknowledge his intelligence and acute perceptions. His words make a difference, and that is why opponents are fervently disturbed by such vigorous return. People take heed of what he thinks as it is almost always accurate. He was once our inspirational leader, and he will always be in our hearts.

And as for me, he will always be my idol and a prominent figure I look up to for life.

Source: Tun Dr. Mahathir bin Mohamad official Facebook page

Everything is not okay

All these while I keep telling myself it's okay. I keep telling myself that everything will be fine. But I couldn't lie to myself any longer, not with those signs and symptoms that I am having.

My stomach is rejecting food.
My body rejecting rest.
My back is aching.
My head is killing me.
My hair is falling.
My lips is cracking.
My face is a mess.

My life is a mess.

I got so scared that I'm having this nightmare repeatedly. I would scream and cry, and the moment I open my eyes and see the dark room around me, I cry even longer. I can't even stay at home now, I'm scared that I'll shock my parents. I can only be alone, all alone.

Tonight I finally let my fears out. I told him everything, but I know he couldn't do anything as well. But his voice is the only familiar thing that could calm me down. I knew it was wrong to call, but I have no choice. I must really clear myself out from his life, it's not fair for the girl. The old one should never present in a new relationship, and among all I should understand that better.

All I can do now is pray. I pray that everything will really be fine, because I have lost strength to lie to myself that way. I must hold myself together again and continue to move on. I need to be that.

And for once, one last time, I hope that you would be here with me, hugging me tight and ask me to be good. You would hold me when I'm scared, and tell me that it's okay.

But all that have to go now. I need to let go. It's not mine anymore.

Everything is not okay, because I have no one. I am all alone.

Fucking Pissed Off

I don't know why am I so fucking pissed off right now. WTF! You were the one who suddenly came back in and now you're backing out again for whatever hell reason that is?Is this the only thing that you can do as a fucking grown-up man? Like SERIOUSLY?

I FUCKING HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!

Giving In

I thought I could manage fine. Two days without news was fine, though difficult. I thought this time, I can finally do it.

But you have to come back like that, telling me things that I worry the most. You have to come back and confuse me again.

God knows I am only mere human. Those simple words had me tempted to hold on once more.

But I think I was wrong. The silence was over-whelming. I was again rained with disappointment.

Honestly speaking, I have no idea what we would end up as. When you ask me do I think we can still have a happy ending, I was absolutely clueless about it. I wanted it so much to work before, that I tried too hard and got myself so freaking hurt. I am afraid to trust or hope.

I don't know whether this was only some kind of casualty for you. It was my fault to look at it as something different or even hopeful.

Tonight would be the due.

But I don't know what I want anymore.

Shifted Focus

Shifted the other one here as well. No point continuing there, it will only make me look more pathetic.

I'm coping well I guess, at least there's no tears for the whole day. I'm actually able to stay calm and laugh at a few things. I should compliment myself. Good job, J.

Yet I felt the silence, the long and quietness of this day. First day is usually the hardest to get used to. But I make a clear mental note of not to do anything about it. I MUST refrain myself from letting loose, I MUST stop anymore possible connection. I MUST let go.

I guess I need to try a little more harder. Just hold on for a month. Then, 2 months. Then, a year. Then, forever.

But can I stand this long? Can I?

Pathetic much?

Can't believe I'm actually sitting here alone, in cold. Looking outside the window I saw bright sunshine and bright smiles from people walking back and forth.

Maybe I'm the only one gloomy in the room. It's a Saturday weekend, everybody should be out somewhere having fun or resting at home. Yet, here I am, torturing myself physically and mentally.

I lift up my coffee cup and gave myself a soft smile.

I don't think I can speak with ease later. I think my voice would choke. Seeing the familiar yet unfamiliar always aches my heart the most. I don't think I can handle anymore.

I'm trying very hard to gather myself together now, to form myself back in one piece, to be at least normal again. I wish to laugh freely again, and my tears would not accompany me to sleep every night.

I shall try, because this is my life at stake. I see myself in the mirror everyday, but I could not even recognize myself anymore. Is this me? Is this the real me?

I have been putting on a mask so that people around me would not worry about me, so people would treat me like a normal person. But I'm really tired now. Can I get my rest now?

I'm hiding in my own little world, curling up against my own cocoon .

If only I could turn back time. If only I could do things differently. If only.

Healing

I am thankful for having awesome friends. Thank you for staying with me through this difficult period. I love each and every one of you so much.

Holiday plan will kick start in 2 weeks time. I finally have some time to gather myself up, release myself and indulge!

First up, Video Games Live (VGL) Orchestra at Istana Budaya Kuala Lumpur on 26th May, 8pm.

Next up, Gold Coast Morid Resort, Banting on 27th May

What more could I ask, my favourite music, my favourite white sand and blue sea. Thanks Jen, Thank Nigel. Love you two the best! :)

Why Does This Emo Shit Has To Pick Me?

Honestly speaking, I am already at the brink of my physical and mental strength. I swear if you stretch me some more, I will snap right away. I am tired, I am sick, I am in pain, I am in anything uncomfortable that you can imagine of. I need a decent rest and break like fish gasping for water.

Yes, IT IS THIS BAD.

All I want to do now is hide inside your warm hug and listen to your voice to tell me everything is going to be okay. But it shall remain as my fantasy, because I know that you will never do this for me.

Where are you? When I need you the most.

Say I'm a Bird

When I opened my eyes this morning I stared at the ceiling for a while. It was still 6.15 in the morning and my room was still dark. Saturday morning like this, I was called back to school for a morning meeting.

In the darkness I got myself thinking. How long has it been, since I really do something that I really want and something that could really make me happy? I remembered the last time I did something according to my instinct, it back-fired on me harshly.

For one moment, I had lost passion completely. I felt nothing towards the mundaneness of my life. One day after another I repeat the same thing over and over again.

I used to dread life like this. I was once a wild child who seek for excitement and new things everyday. I was like a bird.

But I realized now that I have had my wings clipped since I took up this job. Responsibilities had made me grown up; reality had made me opened my eyes. I am no longer a person of free will.

I wish I could be that fun and adventurous again. I wish I could again have the passion to hop on to a bus and go to some strangers' place just for the sake of the white sand and blue sea. I wish I could have the rush in my veins again when I am doing things that I like.

I wish I could be that bird again. Say I'm a bird will you? I am going to gather all courage to be that bird once more.

Inevitable Pain

I knew this would happen long ago. It was too calm, too quiet for my being. It is officially 3 months from now, it is officially the end. No more rebounds, no more second chance.

I had a hard time to breathe when I realize this.

I concentrate on my breathing. In, out. In, out. Every sip of air seems like a decade.

That heartache that he once gave me was back. Only this time, I brought this heartache to myself. I thought I could get away with all those pain, I thought I had outgrown the pain. I was wrong, it is still painful as hell.

It wasn't easy at all to take down everything all together. When in front of your own eyes, you wipe out everything that had happened for 2 years in 15 minutes.

The pain is inevitable, though prepared, I'm not any better to handle the situation. Tears still stream down from the corner of my eyes, I tasted salt and bitter.

I am now at the tip of banging my own head to the wall.

This Day Off

Decided to ask the unable-to-ask question the other day. Eng up getting a negative. I was expecting it anyway, so it wasn't really a shocker. I will try again some time again, but not sure if I'll be able to take the second hit.

So I decided to have this day off to go back to the place where everything started to fall apart.

Started out early in the morning and reach the place around 10am. Grabbed Starbucks with Shepherd Pie and started thinking back again. The waited for the shopping center to open up and take a stroll there. Called friend for a movie, and went back home in the evening.

I walked back to all the place we had walked before. Reminiscing each pieces of details.

I was wrong. And I regret that. But I can't turn back time. I can only embrace this fact.

But I refuse to move on.

Can you forgive me, for I will try it again and again.

Best Way to Communicate?

I don't know how to put this, but I guess writing is the best way to communicate to a friend who decided to ignore you for the better.

I seriously don't get it in the beginning.

What the hell did I do wrong? Did I upset him? Did I scared him away? Did I this did I that?

I couldn't take it at all that all of a sudden a friend decided to ditch me just like that, with no preview or fore-warn. I was deeply wounded, thinking that it must be my fault.

Then I started sending frantic messages, asking for clarifications. Which after much waiting he coldly replied, I was busy with work.

At that moment I realized, I had lost this friend, with reasons I could not identify.

I really wished somebody could tell me what happened, at least tell me the reason why. But since the particular person could not even care less to tell me, I figure this is a question that I shall never get answer.

If you are reading this, these are the things that I wish to tell you.

"I really don't know why you acted like this, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Don't give me the reason that you're busy working or something, I will tell you that's all bullshit.

You might have heard things about me.
I do not wish to clarify, since you never ask. I do not wish to deny either, because that was my past. But if you choose to believe in other people's story instead of mine, that is your choice. I can tell you that I'm a changed person now, different from my past that is, but you can choose not to believe me.

Other than this, I could not think of other reasons. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, which I doubt you will.

Thank you very much for your kindness. I will always keep all of that in mind.

If this is our end, then I wish you goodbye here. Good luck for your future undertakings, and I really mean it."

You know what, I'm really sad. I thought you were different, but you're not.

I don't think you will read this anyway. This is definitely not the best way to communicate with you. Stupid me!

I Hate This

Another night like this, when my thoughts are wandering.

Quite a number of revelations have been through my mind lately. But none of it can be resolved. I'm kinda losing my touch is solving problems, and I can the direct impact from it. Each and every day I am choked by piling things. Sooner or later I'll be drown to death.

I should be happy, that holiday is coming and I finally have a whole week to rest. But the truth is there are more things waiting for me to deal with once I'm back from this holiday. Lots and lots of new responsibilities that I don't even want to think about it. I am not breathing right, let alone thinking right. I continue to stuff my face with food, and again and again I blame myself for growing fatter and fatter every day, then I continue to eat again.

This sickening cycle has to stop. But how?

And I seek no comfort in other matters as well, neither family nor relationship. I am one man's island.

I really hate to think that I am this alone. Everything has to be on my own. How I long for someone or something for me to lean and hold on. But I don't even know whether such thing exist or not in my life.

I really hate this. I really really do.

Sleepless Night

Again it was filled with multiple thoughts. Late night is always the best time to dive into my thoughts and have conflicts with myself.

It is always this question. Should I or should I not?

Should I take away those things that once belonged to us?
Should I make it known?

Part of me asks me to just move on, but part of me tells me that maybe there's a shot for things to spark again.

I don't know, which part of me should I listen.

I'm creating problems for others it seems, that if I can't make up my mind soon it will soon kills another thousands of brain cells of others.

What should I do? Can somebody tell me?

Is It All True?

Sometimes I wonder, whether the things that happened around me are all true. One moment I felt like I'm still happily going to college; and the next thing that I know, I'm struggling to get myself up to go to work.

I have been dreading so much. That today I actually fake my medical leave to escape from school for a day. I can't bear to see them, let alone going in the class to let them mentally torture me. It's not that those kids aren't good kids. I just can't chirp up myself every single day when I see them.

I'm not a person full of laughter and passion. I need some emo time on my own.

And at this kind of moment, I miss you the most. I used to get to you so easily, but it's all gone now. I hate it when we're greeting each other so casually. I miss the time when we joke and laugh together. I miss the time when I can't sleep at night, I can call you every single hour to disturb your tetris time. I miss the time when you hold me in your arms, and ask me to be good when I'm not with you.

But I must admit that everything is gone now. This time, the effect of this breakup is really slow. It's consuming me slowly, that I can no longer breathe right, or sleep right.

Sometimes in the middle of the night I woke up, I search for your name and hesitate to call. Sometimes I wonder whether it is all true. Sometimes I wish I can still be your girl.

Valentine

I think Valentine's Day had lost all it's original purpose. How beautiful is it if there's someone who stills uphold the same intention as Pope Valentine during his time. A love letter would be sufficient to touch the deepest core of my heart. There's no need for expensive gifts or extravagant roses.

Sometimes sincere words is the only thing that girls need.

But how many of guys of there really know this?

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Spread the wings of love all around! :)

Why Is It So Hard To Trust?

After everything that I've been through, I've realized that I have this trust issue. Not to one person in particular, but in general. I generally do not simply trust anyone that is around me.

Is it because that person has not done enough to earn my trust yet?

Is it because of those unintentional actions that they made, caused the distrust?

Or is it simply because of me? That I am the one who chose not to trust?

Dilemma. Might as well off the lights and sleep tonight.

Bad Guy

I was wondering if I'm the bad guy in this whole situation. It seems like two different stories have been told to two parties.

So I'm the bad guy now?

I don't know how should I respond to that. Like seriously.

After 2 Weeks, Finally The Tears

I don't know if you're reading this. I'm assuming you do.

Thank you for the concern. I'll take good care of myself. Though I might find someone better, or worse, I'll never find someone just like you.

You were once the world for me. But everything has to change now. I guess life would still go on without you, and your's without me. I hope for the best for both of us, I really do.

I love you. Bye.

February 2012

Originally I have a blogpost stored away in my draft section. Was thinking whether or not to post it, but in the end decided not to. What's the point of posting it anyway, it had lost it's purpose. Nothing has to be said and done again, the end means the end.

Moving on to the second month of the new year. Chinese New Year was officially the end, so does my relationship. I've only told certain closest friends about this, and decided not to change anything abruptly on the web. That's the least that I could do, I would break this slowly to those people whom we both know. But if he chooses to tell it, I have no grudge against it.

Had a short break this month and spent it with my cousin and friends in JB and Singapore. Really thank you all for making my day, all those touring around and shopping, it was really fun. Thanks for all the concerns - hugs and kisses for you all. :)


Gift from JX. Thank you. It really reminds me of your big laughter. :P

Thanks for all the attention and time. Thank you for all the concerns. Thanks you for your wake up call every single morning and booty call every single night. Thank you for your patience, your kindness, and your love. I really felt appreciated.

Looking forward for the Valentine weekend with you. <3

Happy February everyone, I'm counting days to my March one week holiday. 31 days to go! :P

New Beginning

SMK Yong Peng, I was told to go there to live for the next few years.

I can't really imagine how is it, but I tell myself everything will be fine.

It seems like that is the only thing that I could tell myself,

EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.

Should've, Would've, Could've

I should've not even start,
I would've re-do everything all over again,
I could've do things differently.

But I guess everything's too late now.
What's done cannot be undone.

Regrets are the biggest bitch in life, yet the most true.

I should, I would, IF I could.

Lamentation of New Year

In a blink of an eye 2011 went by. 2012 crept into our lives with much celebration. Lots of things had changed and happened to me while making the big leap of year, and none of it that I'm really proud to share. Friends are decreasing in numbers, my life is losing its purpose. Sooner or later I think I'll go crazy or something, if all of these are going on without any promises to progress.

I really miss the old care-free life, with less responsibilities, less nagging in my ears, and away from home.

I miss you, my old-self. Will you come back to me?