Pathetic much?

Can't believe I'm actually sitting here alone, in cold. Looking outside the window I saw bright sunshine and bright smiles from people walking back and forth.

Maybe I'm the only one gloomy in the room. It's a Saturday weekend, everybody should be out somewhere having fun or resting at home. Yet, here I am, torturing myself physically and mentally.

I lift up my coffee cup and gave myself a soft smile.

I don't think I can speak with ease later. I think my voice would choke. Seeing the familiar yet unfamiliar always aches my heart the most. I don't think I can handle anymore.

I'm trying very hard to gather myself together now, to form myself back in one piece, to be at least normal again. I wish to laugh freely again, and my tears would not accompany me to sleep every night.

I shall try, because this is my life at stake. I see myself in the mirror everyday, but I could not even recognize myself anymore. Is this me? Is this the real me?

I have been putting on a mask so that people around me would not worry about me, so people would treat me like a normal person. But I'm really tired now. Can I get my rest now?

I'm hiding in my own little world, curling up against my own cocoon .

If only I could turn back time. If only I could do things differently. If only.