Disgust

Someone told me that I disgust him..

Yes.. I'm a slut, bitch, whatever you name it..

I even disgust myself now.. I feel like vomitting..

I need someone to console me now.. Can you find me one?

I Miss That "Messy Room"

I can't believe that I'm saying this. I'm actually missing that place that I've only stepped in for one time. Is this a sign of my madness? I hope not.. =X

I just want to say, I do everything for a reason.. My decisions, they doesn't really come in sudden.. But that day was an exception.. I wasn't really using my brain.. I did whatever that my heart told me so.. And that so actually soothing.. Such long a time I have been burdening myself with thoughts and rationality.. It's time to let go for a while, even if just for a night.. At least it's something worthwhile.. I'm happy for what I did.. =)

And I miss that moment, and that person that makes me lose my mind.. I was not even pretending, I was not wearing my mask.. I'm being myself.. I felt so relax, as if nothing painful had happened before.. But the other parts of me tell me to wake up, because it might just be another temporary fling.. But I really wanted to believe, I want to put some hope in it..

I don't mean to frighten anyone, but this is my true self.. Embrace them or begone with them.. I have nothing much left to lose now.. My heart now is still in mending.. I hope you would come heal it.. I don't even care if you're leaving.. I just want to have whatever moments that's left..

I can't believe myself again.. I'm actually serious.. Can I go back to that messy room again?

I Would

I would gladly declare myself as single now
But I can't.

I would love to be selfish and care only myself
But I can't.

I would happily have some alone time and focus on my stuff
But I can't.

I would like to fall in love with other man
But I can't.

I would generously let go
But I can't.

I would do and agree whatever that they want
But I can't.

I would sincerely forgive
But I can't.

I would,
But I can't,
I just can't.

For the girl who might be reading, I'm still finding reasons to forgive. But I do not blame you. Be happy, and be good with him. I give my blessings.

是真的吗？

有时后真的很难相信，真的已经解决了吗？还是我又掉进另一个深渊里？

我自己反反复复的，其实我自己也是好伤。我已经不知道要怎么去调整我的心情了，因为不管我怎么说真么想，我的心还是痛的，无可救药的。

我好舍不得，可是发生了就是发生的。我想当做什么都没发生过，可是那些都是真的，都是逃避不了的现实。好痛好痛，可是还是要面对，要承受。过程很痛很痛，可是生活还是要过。每一天我都跟我自己说，算了，这些都是真的， 在挣扎也没用。 对啊，都改变不了什么，为什么呢？为什么要这样子呢？我也不想要痛，可是我也不能控制啊！

其实我很想说，我很爱你，很想你，到现在还是一样。我很想说，只要你不再跟她联络，我什么都可以忘记。可是我也知道，那是很自私的想法，我不能这样做， 对吗？

对不起，我真的很爱你， 也很难忘记你。请你原谅我的脆弱，我真的做不到，真的真的。

Aching

My heart is aching. Why everything seem so distant, when the relationship was once close and happy. I hate this feeling, I wanted so much to call, and to say I love him and miss him once more, but I find myself in no rightful position to do so. I am, indeed, a stranger right now. A person with no relation, nothing will connect us anymore.

My pain is still not eased, my breathing is still not right. Everything about me now is a total mess, it's really painful to bear all these, I'm suffocating.

I tried very hard to find myself some distractions, but I failed. Everything keep reminds me of my pain. I started to have worse nightmares every night. I can't even sleep well now. I would wake up with tears, and I'm very clear that it's not healthy at all, but I can do nothing about any of it.

Nothing. I hate this word. It made me feel so helpless, so useless.

I admit, I need him to be with me. I wanted not to care anything, but my rationality says no. I wanted so much to be selfish, but looking at him and everything around him, made myself say no. I want to love him like I used to, but the thorn was there, my brain and heart say no.

It's aching so much now, day and night. How can I get rid of all these.

亲爱的, 我想好好的跟你走下去.

我们的第一个情人节, 是跟家人一起过的. 这应该是件好事吧, 对吗?

最近的我们有着太多的争吵, 我有着太多的眼泪.很多事都是无法避免的, 但是我的试着安静地听, 安静地接受. 但是这中间发生的事, 其实我们彼此都很清楚, 在我们彼此的心里, 那一条裂痕, 都会永远的存在. 我试着接受, 试着忍让, 可是不听话的泪水总是会落下. 这些泪我都没办法让你看到, 因为我想用最开心的笑脸来见你.

你知道吗? 其实我有多么想放弃, 可是因为是你, 我反反复复的, 把你搞乱了, 也把我自己搞得更伤. 说分手的那一天, 如果我让你受伤了, 请你一定要原谅我. 因为我只想让你得到你最想要的东西. 可是当我看到那些不属于我的东西不断地出现在你身边, 不管是新的, 还是旧的, 我总会觉得我才是那个多出来的人, 真正该呆在你身边的人其实不是我, 而是别人. 我反而觉得我是那个第三者, 我才是那个破坏你们感情的人.

你们有着太多的回忆, 那些, 都是我无法给你的. 我是多么的自卑, 你看到了吗?

可是我想说, 虽然很受伤, 虽然忍得很辛苦很难过, 我还是想坚持下去. 我始终相信, 有一天, 你会记得属于我们两个人的记忆, 你的皮包里会放着我们的照片, 你会把所有旧的回忆统统都洗掉, 然后换上新的记忆. 我真的很想这样相信. 可是我又对自己没有信心. 我到底该怎么做, 才能让你把心安定下来?

或许是我太贪心, 我不应该要求的这么多. 可是自私的我还是忍不住的去想, 忍不住去比较和妒忌. 亲爱的, 你的心还在吗?

所以现在的我, 每天都过得小心翼翼, 深怕一个不小心, 你就会离开我. 现在的我, 什么都不想理, 不想看, 不想听. 只要你还在, 那就够了.

亲爱的, 情人节快乐. 请你一定要快乐, 也请她一样快乐.

Weak

I give myself a try. I try not to care. I pull myself out from any possible connection. But I still miss him, a lot. I feel so weak about myself. I can't even think straight or act straight, I just can't make myself forget. I need a blow on my head.

I understand that it's just a phase, but this phase is taking too long a time, it had affected me physically and mentally. The torment and the toll, I can't take them any longer. I wish for a break, but who's going to give me one?

Can you set me free? Can you cut me loose and let me be?

I'm Begging

I'm begging for peace in my mind. I'm begging for those shits to get out from my head.

Please. Can't I have a moment of peace and serenity? I need to fill myself up with good essence, not all these pains and sorrow. I desperately need something good to happen in my life now, but I can't even get the simplest peace in mind!

I'm begging. Please. I don't even want to care about anything now. I just want some quiet moments with nothing in my head. Please.

Do I have to wait till the day I die? Is that what I should do?

Mask

It was as if the air is acidic. Every breath I take in is burning so hot, that I cough without stopping. I can't believe I'm actually staring at those pains again, while typing out all this pain craps. I know all of these are just craps, but I can't help it. I can only put up my mask for a while, I'm no expert.

Yes. I'm wearing a mask constantly now, that it covers everything within me, about how I actually feel about things and see things. I pretend that there's nothing that can harm me under this mask, because this mask protects my innards. But bloody hell, I am indeed fooling myself. Masks as thin as air can hide me, but can never protect me. I am still as hurt as before, or even worse.

This mask that I'm wearing is shielding me from the people I love. It's more like my shell, and I'm the fucking snail.

Sometimes I really wish to express my feelings more verbally. I would very much like the courage to say everything out loud, but I never succeed. There's always something in between, and mostly it was because of my coward-ness that prevent. How could I change this side of myself? Why am I not protecting myself? Why does it looks like I'm actually welcoming those sufferings to myself?

I need a good mask. But I prefer a person that I can face without my mask. But where?

Burning Sensation

Have you ever encounter before, when you're crying too much.. And you do all the crying silently, and your chest will slowly develop a burning sensation?

I had one of those right now.

I've did so well in hiding my real emotions, but when I'm alone writing like this, I found myself in a vulnerable state. So pathetic, yet so me.

This burning sensation will definitely burn a hole in my heart, and it will never heal. I keep thinking about them all day long. Even when I'm sleeping, I dream about them. They never let me alone. I want to say it out loud, I want to shout them all at someone responsible, but I can't, because those people aren't someone that I want to hurt. Yet, they hurt me so bad. I'm bleeding all over now. When will this bleeding stop?

I wish this burning sensation could consume me, then I would be some place far from here. I will not be able to remember them, and at least I can breath better. I have difficulty even to breath now, and harder to swallow. I've swallow too much pain and tears. I had enough.

This is the only way I can show all my vulnerability. I am a pile of ashes here, burned to death, but there's no one to come claim this pile of ashes, for I am alone, all alone...

The Answers to Everything

"All I need, is just a hug. A sincere hug from you would do all the magic. I don't even care anymore if you lie, as long as you are here with me, nothing would matter."

I wanted to say this to him, but instead, I told him that I want a break. As usual, I contradict myself, and he hated me for that.

Don't you ever realized it's my low self-esteem doing tricks? I'm just trying to please someone that I love and adore. I hate it, but I can't seem to control it. What am I supposed to do? Without you guiding, I'm sure I would get even worse. Just a few moments ago that I hung up on that phone, I've already missed you. I've already regret.

But what must be done must be done. I just want you to be happy, that all I'm asking now.

If I measure the depth of my miss to you, it would be the amount of tears that I'm crying now. Silly me, I'm still crying since last night. It must have been hours. Why couldn't it stop? I'm such a cry baby. That something that you dislike too right?

You never know why I like Beethoven's love letters to his immortal beloved so much. Silly you, I adapted those letters as your birthday present. Do you know that?

"How can I be sure that I am truly yours, and you are truly mine?"

Now I know. You are not mine, but I'll remain forever yours, till the day I die.

Betrayal

Sometimes I wonder how far can I swallow the betrayal? I guess I'm pretty good at it.
I wish those who betrayed enjoy the same suffering as I do. But they did, and was worse than mine.

So should I still hope for their sadness, or I just swallow them and get on with it. After all, at the end of everyday people will tell you never mind and let it be.

But have they ever thought about me? That I don't want to give in? I guess not, because they did not went through the shit. I am.

I would like to betray someday. But I just don't have the heart and energy to do so, right now. Please don't push me to the corner. I will know, I'm not dead.