Lately my posts are full fo sorries.. Sorry here, sorry there, can't help but keep apologizing to anyone in any situations. I don't know what's happening to me, maybe my generosity had expanded to a higher level, that i will forgive anyone in milisecond. Is it a good sign or a bad sign? My friends say I'm starting to lose my ground, keep swaying around and got carried away by what the others say. Is it true? If it's true why I haven't notice a thing?
Maybe I'm back to the timid me again, keep asking for other people's forgiveness. I'm like diving back to my black era. It's scary to think of that time, but I keep assuring myself that everything's fine, everything's ok. Seems like this magic chant never seems to fail me. At least I feel slightly better after that inner-hypnotisation. LOLX..
God knows what's it like to talk through things to myself, like I'm having serious mental problem. =X
But that's the only way I can find to fight my negativeness. Mr. Harold in drama class today said girls always tend to sort out the negative things first before the positive ones, to prepare for the worst. Well, telling myself never mind and it's ok is one thing for me to shoo all those things away, so forgive me if i act a bit gila-gila, it's just me. =P
Monday, January 12, 2009
To Be or Not To Be
I wonder how Hamlet felt when he said this, to be or not to be, stuck between two situations, having dilemma on which one to choose or to be. I think he’ll get crazy sooner or later, at least that’s what I’m facing right now, having to choose the correct emotions that I should have.
It’s logical for someone to have their past still stirring in their minds, and I thought that I’m a very understanding girl who can accept whatever past that my friends or my loved ones had. But this time I don’t know what I should feel. Should I be jealous? Or should I just pretend that I did not see it? It’s so hard for me to decide, so hard for me to think straight and breath right.
My rational tells me that I should not feel a thing, for this is his past which he frankly shared it with me. But my heart, tells me something different. It wouldn’t be aching; I certainly have not loved him to that extent. But why is it feeling strange, like a hand squeezing my heart, not painfully, but gently irritates me. My brain tells me that I’m in between of the two of them who were once deeply in love, and I’m the third party. I shouldn’t be there, I’m the extra cast there, I should be out cast. But I dearly not wanting to leave, what should I do?
Right now I’m seeing myself as the younger him, writing feelings down in a blog, hoping someone could see it and comfort me. But I believe he’s far more luckier than me, he got his friends, I only have my so-called hi-bye friends where I don’t even dare to reveal my true self to them. Everyday, repeating, telling myself everything’s going to be fine is a mundane routine, yet I still need to put on my best smile to accept what’s coming and going.
This is me, having a dilemma. How I wish this time I could just say never mind and laugh at my own stupidity. But I can’t now, I’m sorry.
It’s logical for someone to have their past still stirring in their minds, and I thought that I’m a very understanding girl who can accept whatever past that my friends or my loved ones had. But this time I don’t know what I should feel. Should I be jealous? Or should I just pretend that I did not see it? It’s so hard for me to decide, so hard for me to think straight and breath right.
My rational tells me that I should not feel a thing, for this is his past which he frankly shared it with me. But my heart, tells me something different. It wouldn’t be aching; I certainly have not loved him to that extent. But why is it feeling strange, like a hand squeezing my heart, not painfully, but gently irritates me. My brain tells me that I’m in between of the two of them who were once deeply in love, and I’m the third party. I shouldn’t be there, I’m the extra cast there, I should be out cast. But I dearly not wanting to leave, what should I do?
Right now I’m seeing myself as the younger him, writing feelings down in a blog, hoping someone could see it and comfort me. But I believe he’s far more luckier than me, he got his friends, I only have my so-called hi-bye friends where I don’t even dare to reveal my true self to them. Everyday, repeating, telling myself everything’s going to be fine is a mundane routine, yet I still need to put on my best smile to accept what’s coming and going.
This is me, having a dilemma. How I wish this time I could just say never mind and laugh at my own stupidity. But I can’t now, I’m sorry.
A White Lie
It crushed my heart when I had this conversation, so distant, so cold, as if we never know each other. Two persons who once so close, they now speak like strangers. Casualties asked are common, indifferent, and monotonous, like completing a single routine, rushing to the end of the topic. I can’t help but blinked out a drop of tears. Again, I tell myself, its ok, I can handle this. I am perfectly fine.
I lied to him. I told him that I’ll be going overseas, leaving this place. I don’t know if I’m right to do this, but I just can’t bear to see his face anymore, nor going back to the place that once belongs to him and me. Those memories are sweet and naive; and I really don’t want to bring back tears there. I shall cherish those moments, only in my memory. I shall never return.
To that place, where he once allowed me to call as my home, I bid adieu. I’ll always miss the laughter I had there, and the warmth that I once shared. I now gave those back to all of you, hoping that you will forgive me. Sorry if I had brought any difficulties and discomfort in your life, and sorry if I had caused any misunderstandings among you all. You now have my assurance, that I’ll never be back under any circumstances, and you have my promise, that I’ll be always missing you all.
To you, I’m leaving. I always thought that we can be friends, but I’m not the person that I once thought anymore. I cannot deny this fact that I’m weak, for now I had to runaway from you and anything related to you. I would like, very much, to hold your hands again and say sorry, say thank you, but I just can’t do that. The conversation that we had just now, would be our end. I owe you too much, and I don’t know how to repay. This is the only way that I can think of to repay you. You’ll have my blessings for your whole life. I’ll be watching from afar, wishing your everyday to be happy and contented. And most importantly, I wish you love and happiness.
Goodbye, the last word that I say. Our last conversation ended with my lie, that would be my sorry to you.
11th January 2009 - 2.39am
I lied to him. I told him that I’ll be going overseas, leaving this place. I don’t know if I’m right to do this, but I just can’t bear to see his face anymore, nor going back to the place that once belongs to him and me. Those memories are sweet and naive; and I really don’t want to bring back tears there. I shall cherish those moments, only in my memory. I shall never return.
To that place, where he once allowed me to call as my home, I bid adieu. I’ll always miss the laughter I had there, and the warmth that I once shared. I now gave those back to all of you, hoping that you will forgive me. Sorry if I had brought any difficulties and discomfort in your life, and sorry if I had caused any misunderstandings among you all. You now have my assurance, that I’ll never be back under any circumstances, and you have my promise, that I’ll be always missing you all.
To you, I’m leaving. I always thought that we can be friends, but I’m not the person that I once thought anymore. I cannot deny this fact that I’m weak, for now I had to runaway from you and anything related to you. I would like, very much, to hold your hands again and say sorry, say thank you, but I just can’t do that. The conversation that we had just now, would be our end. I owe you too much, and I don’t know how to repay. This is the only way that I can think of to repay you. You’ll have my blessings for your whole life. I’ll be watching from afar, wishing your everyday to be happy and contented. And most importantly, I wish you love and happiness.
Goodbye, the last word that I say. Our last conversation ended with my lie, that would be my sorry to you.
11th January 2009 - 2.39am
Sunday, January 11, 2009
A Twist
Life is always twisting and turning, and you'll never know when fate and chance give you a good twist or a bad twist.
My twist now, is somewhat little bit of both. Some how I had suddenly felt chickened out. From my past experiences, when I get a good thing, I'll immediately lose one that I'm possesing at the moment. And that's what happening to me right now, gaining something and losing something at the same day, I can never be in a extremely happy mood for more than one day.
So should I keep going on, or should I stay back and mend this mistake? It had never crossed my mind that he would be leaving me, but he just did, hastily, without even a good reason and without me noticing any symptoms. Again, I felt defeated. This time it's worse, when I can barely stand up after my tears.
This is the sins that I've made and the karma that I should received. I am scared, very very scared. I have no idea who can help me pass through these stormy night. Yes, I am afraid of the dark and the thunder. Who else can lead me? Someone or anyone, please tell me.
And I would tell myself to hold on and stand strong. This is not the only obstacles that I've been getting all these while. It is a sign that I should grow tougher than what others expect me to be, and I will survive, although feeling helpless and fear.
For my sweet twist, no matter what, I'll appreaciate and treasure it. Although there's no comfirmation from you yet, I believe we had make it through. I wish to hold your hands the next time I see you, and give you a peck on your cheek, telling you that: "I Love You."
My twist now, is somewhat little bit of both. Some how I had suddenly felt chickened out. From my past experiences, when I get a good thing, I'll immediately lose one that I'm possesing at the moment. And that's what happening to me right now, gaining something and losing something at the same day, I can never be in a extremely happy mood for more than one day.
So should I keep going on, or should I stay back and mend this mistake? It had never crossed my mind that he would be leaving me, but he just did, hastily, without even a good reason and without me noticing any symptoms. Again, I felt defeated. This time it's worse, when I can barely stand up after my tears.
This is the sins that I've made and the karma that I should received. I am scared, very very scared. I have no idea who can help me pass through these stormy night. Yes, I am afraid of the dark and the thunder. Who else can lead me? Someone or anyone, please tell me.
And I would tell myself to hold on and stand strong. This is not the only obstacles that I've been getting all these while. It is a sign that I should grow tougher than what others expect me to be, and I will survive, although feeling helpless and fear.
For my sweet twist, no matter what, I'll appreaciate and treasure it. Although there's no comfirmation from you yet, I believe we had make it through. I wish to hold your hands the next time I see you, and give you a peck on your cheek, telling you that: "I Love You."
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
You, Jeffery
It's been whole day, and finally things settled down. Outside, it was raining cats and dogs. Finally I'm happy, after days coming back to this town. I was in the rain just now, enjoying the water droplets from the sky. Some say it was the water from the Gods that purify your soul, but scientificly it's just recycle water from the earth. And that just showed how ironic our world is, the coincides and conflicts between the science and human beliefs.
All of a sudden, I miss Jeffery so much. He's always been a nice big brother to me, when I was 16 until now. He's always there, when I just left home to somewhere far to study, when I was in my most rebellious moment. He was there to console me, to advice me and love me. But now, he's gone. I've always wanted to find myself another man who can substitude his place, but I ended up getting hurt and cheated over and over again. It's been years now, and I'm going 21 this year. 5 years, and I had lost contact for 5 months. I wonder how is he doing there. Is he eating well? Sleeping well? Is he enjoying life there? I still remembered his last call, he said that he hated that place so much, there's no entertainment or anything, and he can't even communicate well there. He said he wanted to come back, to see me, to give me a nice long hug. But he never came back. He never got on that plane. Or did he? I don't know. And all I got is an email from his fiance, saying that they're getting married, and I'm not supposed to see him or hear from him anymore.
It's a bad memory. I thank the rain for making my heads clear, let me realise where I stand and how I do. It reminded me to always take careful actions, to defend when I know I'm right, and to protect people and things that I love. I'm not scared with harsh and loud voices, I'll fight back with my strong and stern stand, telling them that they should be listening to me.
I am not a headstrong, foolish child. Jeffery always wanted me to be strong and independent. And now here I am, standing here and whisper to the wind and rain, May God bless your newly-weds and your marriage. I hope you'll find your kind of happiness, just like the one you once shared with me. Be save always. I'll miss you.
All of a sudden, I miss Jeffery so much. He's always been a nice big brother to me, when I was 16 until now. He's always there, when I just left home to somewhere far to study, when I was in my most rebellious moment. He was there to console me, to advice me and love me. But now, he's gone. I've always wanted to find myself another man who can substitude his place, but I ended up getting hurt and cheated over and over again. It's been years now, and I'm going 21 this year. 5 years, and I had lost contact for 5 months. I wonder how is he doing there. Is he eating well? Sleeping well? Is he enjoying life there? I still remembered his last call, he said that he hated that place so much, there's no entertainment or anything, and he can't even communicate well there. He said he wanted to come back, to see me, to give me a nice long hug. But he never came back. He never got on that plane. Or did he? I don't know. And all I got is an email from his fiance, saying that they're getting married, and I'm not supposed to see him or hear from him anymore.
It's a bad memory. I thank the rain for making my heads clear, let me realise where I stand and how I do. It reminded me to always take careful actions, to defend when I know I'm right, and to protect people and things that I love. I'm not scared with harsh and loud voices, I'll fight back with my strong and stern stand, telling them that they should be listening to me.
I am not a headstrong, foolish child. Jeffery always wanted me to be strong and independent. And now here I am, standing here and whisper to the wind and rain, May God bless your newly-weds and your marriage. I hope you'll find your kind of happiness, just like the one you once shared with me. Be save always. I'll miss you.
Defeated
Never had it felt this way before. Not helpless, not sad, not angry, but defeated, and a little pinch of dissapointment.
A poetic start for my 2009 blog, I'm down and my brand new year blog started with the colour blue. I've been trying so hard over the pass year to make me change colour but looks like every year, dear God will always give me a challenge to handle. Luckily I had not yet feel sick of it, if not I'll be commiting suicide right now. =X
Blue is definitely the colour for me this season. Skies filled with grayish clouds, I'm always hoping for it to rain and wash my polluted soul and crowded mind. It has been tough for me accepting some facts these few days, but I had swallowed it down and tasted the bitterness in it. "It's alright," I tell myself. To show my perfectly-ok-with-everything attitude, i flashed out my best smile. But seems Darlie and Colgate doesn't agree with it, I didn't get the chance to shoot for the commercial. Not white and happy enough, I think. Nobody will wet their pillows after a photo shoot. *_*
And then I woke up this morning, feeling great reluctance to leave my bed. Stupid post-crying symptoms make me getting unneccesary attention. But i put up a satisfactory presentation although I didn't attend the rehearsal. Assignments building up and classes coming like waves, I'm starting to lose my breath. What's the point of making myself busy? Oh yes, making me forget my meals and get slimmer. At least that is one happy thought ---> I get slimmer. =P
And overall, I gave myself a 6 upon 10 for this new year. I've got new aspirations which I failed, and some yet to succeed, and I hope that I'll maintain what I have for the past semesters. That's what I have, and I'm going to defend my crown!! LOLX..
A poetic start for my 2009 blog, I'm down and my brand new year blog started with the colour blue. I've been trying so hard over the pass year to make me change colour but looks like every year, dear God will always give me a challenge to handle. Luckily I had not yet feel sick of it, if not I'll be commiting suicide right now. =X
Blue is definitely the colour for me this season. Skies filled with grayish clouds, I'm always hoping for it to rain and wash my polluted soul and crowded mind. It has been tough for me accepting some facts these few days, but I had swallowed it down and tasted the bitterness in it. "It's alright," I tell myself. To show my perfectly-ok-with-everything attitude, i flashed out my best smile. But seems Darlie and Colgate doesn't agree with it, I didn't get the chance to shoot for the commercial. Not white and happy enough, I think. Nobody will wet their pillows after a photo shoot. *_*
And then I woke up this morning, feeling great reluctance to leave my bed. Stupid post-crying symptoms make me getting unneccesary attention. But i put up a satisfactory presentation although I didn't attend the rehearsal. Assignments building up and classes coming like waves, I'm starting to lose my breath. What's the point of making myself busy? Oh yes, making me forget my meals and get slimmer. At least that is one happy thought ---> I get slimmer. =P
And overall, I gave myself a 6 upon 10 for this new year. I've got new aspirations which I failed, and some yet to succeed, and I hope that I'll maintain what I have for the past semesters. That's what I have, and I'm going to defend my crown!! LOLX..
J-4, Hall 7
You must know,
Surely you must know that it was all for you.
You are too generous to trifle with me.
I believe you have spoken to me,
And it had taught me to hope,
As I had scarcely allowed myself before…
If your feelings are still what they were last few months,
Tell me so at once.
My affections and wishes have not changed.
But one word from you,
Will silence me forever…
If,
However,
Your feelings have changed,
I would have to tell you…
You have bewitched me,
Body and soul.
And I love…
I love…
I love you.
I never wished to be parted from you,
From this day onwards…
Surely you must know that it was all for you.
You are too generous to trifle with me.
I believe you have spoken to me,
And it had taught me to hope,
As I had scarcely allowed myself before…
If your feelings are still what they were last few months,
Tell me so at once.
My affections and wishes have not changed.
But one word from you,
Will silence me forever…
If,
However,
Your feelings have changed,
I would have to tell you…
You have bewitched me,
Body and soul.
And I love…
I love…
I love you.
I never wished to be parted from you,
From this day onwards…
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