To Be or Not To Be

I wonder how Hamlet felt when he said this, to be or not to be, stuck between two situations, having dilemma on which one to choose or to be. I think he’ll get crazy sooner or later, at least that’s what I’m facing right now, having to choose the correct emotions that I should have.

It’s logical for someone to have their past still stirring in their minds, and I thought that I’m a very understanding girl who can accept whatever past that my friends or my loved ones had. But this time I don’t know what I should feel. Should I be jealous? Or should I just pretend that I did not see it? It’s so hard for me to decide, so hard for me to think straight and breath right.

My rational tells me that I should not feel a thing, for this is his past which he frankly shared it with me. But my heart, tells me something different. It wouldn’t be aching; I certainly have not loved him to that extent. But why is it feeling strange, like a hand squeezing my heart, not painfully, but gently irritates me. My brain tells me that I’m in between of the two of them who were once deeply in love, and I’m the third party. I shouldn’t be there, I’m the extra cast there, I should be out cast. But I dearly not wanting to leave, what should I do?

Right now I’m seeing myself as the younger him, writing feelings down in a blog, hoping someone could see it and comfort me. But I believe he’s far more luckier than me, he got his friends, I only have my so-called hi-bye friends where I don’t even dare to reveal my true self to them. Everyday, repeating, telling myself everything’s going to be fine is a mundane routine, yet I still need to put on my best smile to accept what’s coming and going.

This is me, having a dilemma. How I wish this time I could just say never mind and laugh at my own stupidity. But I can’t now, I’m sorry.