Post Examination

I admit that I hate exams, but the end of it always made me wander aimlessly for a long time. Strangely, this time I don't get any sense of relieve after the exam, I don't feel lost, I just feel nothing.

This nothingness really scared me. Am I acting abnormal? I should be happy and shouting free, why am I not doing them?

After the last paper I hang out with my friends a little, and started packing bags after stepping in the room. I was in a hurry, wanting to clear out everything and leave that damn place. I suffocated and choked. I tried to be normal, I hopped on the car and get the hell out of that place.

I was running away, no doubt. I don't know what pushed me away.

And I was here, supposedly my shelter. And I got the same feeling. But I'm feeling better, at least I don't have to run away. But I saw things again, things that made my heart sober. I saw pictures and pictures of sweet old memories that doesn't belong to me, everywhere. But I kept silence, I know I have no place to comment.

Stuffs from past now kept messing with my head. I thought about my childhood, when I was in my primary. I was not a popular girl, and I tried hard to fit in. I'm always in the best behaviour, trying to please my friends. I remembered once that I was invited to a party at a rich friend's house. And I happily went, riding at the back of my daddy's old bike. But I was too early when I reach, clearly I have been misinformed of the time. The big gate was closed, and I waited patiently outside. Suddenly the gate opened, I thought they saw me standing like an idiot outside the door, and when I walked in, everyone looked at me as if I was a freak. The maid was actually opening the gate for the master's car, not me.

And I remembered a lot of incidents like this. Me being pathetic throughout my life, up until this point. I laughed scornfully at myself, are these the things that I should be thinking after my final exam?

So I guess I am really a freak. Haunting myself with this kind of though day and night, never giving myself a break.

I tried to get comfort from the shelter, but the shelter now seemed unsafe anymore. I fear I would get peel off if I get even nearer and deeper. I don't want to step foot on the dangerous ground.

I need fresh air. But where.