Random Update From School

Watching my hand getting harden my chalk powder makes me think a lot. Is this teaching profession really for me?

For a moment I doubt my ability in doing things. I am not exceptionally hardworking in doing things like other teachers do. The actual teaching practice scared me. I did not sign up for all these bullshits in teaching profession, I just want to teach.

I was forced to do the things that I don't want to. I was not allowed to do things as freely as I want to.

This profession has been nothing but ripping off my freedom in life, which I love so much. I need freedom like a pampered child. I just need it, no other explanations.

But there is something magical about this job, the bond and relationship that you build over time. When you see a bunch of stranger monkeys getting used to you, starting to respond to you and be your friends, you'll actually feel touched.

For a moment again, I think I'm perfect for this job.

But then again and again, can I deal with separation?

I hate this kind of feeling. I hate my feelings being all over the place. This is bad, really bad.

Bag Packing

I miss that feeling.

I miss having a bag pack on my back and start my own journey, going to somewhere unknown. I miss the thrill and fun of it. I miss meeting great people, going to great places. I miss the journey where I can pluck in the earphone and listen to my favourite songs, knowing that when I open my eyes there's something new for me to see.

I miss the soft sands I once stepped on. I miss the breath-taking scenery that I once saw. I miss that gentle breeze that once caressed my face. I miss the amazing sunrise and sunset I once witnessed.

I miss that feeling, that feeling of being alone but not alone. I want to go bag packing again.

I Can't Believe Myself

Sometimes when I say something to myself, like some sort of self assurance. And after a while I'll eat back my own words.

I can't believe that I'm saying this right now, but sometimes even I myself can't trust myself. It's like this what-the-fuck situation where I can't even control it.

I contradict myself so much that even myself can't trust myself.

I will soon get fatter for eating my own words so often.

And I can't believe I say this right now, I regret saying all the things I've said all these while. I regret them and I wish nothing had happened. Then nothing would have to change, I would not have to change.

Behind Every Cloud, There's a Silver Lining

I have to believe that, one day, eventually, all the dark clouds will go away, and the sun shall shine on me again.

I have to, I must be strong.

Privacy

What's the point of setting password in your online account if you know that there's constantly someone who's going to go in there and check on your things?

I thought giving someone your online password means that I trust that person enough to access to my private cyber space, but it seems like the trust is not reciprocating.

What's the point of you having my password if all you do is to check on my every single calls and messages that I have sent? I seriously can't understand. What's the meaning of this?

So I'm not being trusted at all? I can't have my own friends? I can't have my own things to manage through my own phone? And I freakishly don't even have a chance to explain?

What is this all about? Do I have to report my every move? Every calls I make? Every message I send?

Must I do that every single day to maintain this relationship?

Am I always the wrong one, and you are always the right one, and I must follow every single "advice" that you gave me?

Do you even know me or understand what situation I'm in right now?

You, I seriously don't want to fight with you. I walk away because I don't want to argue. I don't want to explain because this time, I don't think I'm wrong.

You are, indeed, violating my privacy. I gave you the trust to gain access to my online space, it doesn't mean that you can abuse it like that. You check on me when you're not happy with me. You make judgements before you even bother to ask me the actual situation. So what's the point of my explanation when your trust for me does not even exist?

I had enough stress and problems from my work. I don't need more from you.

Back

You came back again, out of no where.

Was it pleasant? I wasn't all sure. But it was good to have news from you again.

How are you now? I hope life's been good to you. I am fine over here. Work started and I was stressed to the max. But right now, I can still cope it. Thank you for asking.

Waiting makes my heart grew fonder of you. That's weird, I don't know how that happened.

I hope this time around you'll linger longer. Let me catch my breath before you're gone again.

Blame It On Who?

I've always been asking questions.

Why am I not born in a richer family?
Why am I not born pretty?
Why am I not given things that I want?
Why can't I trust every single friend I have?
Why can't I have this oh-so-perfect boyfriend?
Why can't I live my life like I want?

I end up blaming the others, and blaming myself.

Today I wonder why I never learn to appreciate.

I am born in a moderate family, at least we are all quite happy together.
I am not born pretty, but at least there's people who adores me.
I am not given the things I want, but at least I can learn to like the things that I am given now.
I can't trust every single friend I have right now, so I can find myself more friends and I learn to trust myself more.
I don't have a perfect boyfriend, but at least the one I have now is a good guy with great heart.
I'm not living the life I want right now, but I will cherish whatever I have now and make the best out of it.

Even if I'm not rich, not pretty, I still have my own little life. It may not be great, it might not be interesting to others, but it is still the life that I need to go through for the next 50 years. So like it or not, I am going to love every moment I have right now.

So the same applies to the crisis I have now. I used to cry and whine, I used to blame. But now,

I'm a grown-up now, I'm going to face crisis like an adult. There's no one to be blamed on, just you and yourself.