Heck Care?

Sometimes I wonder, when I say heck care, do I actually mean I heck care?

So I made an experiment, I counted the number of times I say heck care and the number of times I deal back with the same problem again after I said that phrase and times with a hundred percent, the number I get is almost shocking. It's a full one zero zero.

This big fat three numbers proves that I'm such a bad liar to myself. When I say I heck care, I actually do care even more.

Take instance from a recent problem that has been bugging me like hell. A friend kinda turned her back on me, just because of a new influence, I guess. I was disappointed very much, since we were once so close. But I too realized that I can't force a friend to stay put with me, what more be loyal to one. So I chose to say "heck care" to myself. But it seems to me that I actually care too much, to the extend I started to avoid this particular friend.

I'm a coward, I know. I choose to avoid any kind of hurtful circumstances around me. My knee was scrapped once, I don't have to scrap them the second time.

Claire De Lune is in its magic again. I'm an emo bitch again.

The Trust Issue Again

I want others to trust me, but what about me trusting the others? Trust is a reciprocal effort, I know that. But does he or she deserve my trust?

Once bitten, twice shy. I find it hard to trust now.

I realized I had been demanding too much for asking someone to trust, since I cannot repay back the same level that I expect from the others. I can't believe that I still care so much, still having heartache after so long. The effect of the incident had clouded half of my soul. I became suspicious, I lost trust. The dark cloud, after such long period still refuse to leave me body. I had no choice.

I wonder why is it so hard to trust. Now is my turn having a hard time trusting others. Or sometimes, he or she just don't know when to hide and when to tell lies.

Jo, Vera's Poem For You

Jo,

I was practically holding on my tears when I saw this in class. It reminds me of you. How are you up there in heaven?

We miss you, though seasons passed. Some part of us were gone, because you left.

Some day we're going to meet you again, and that shall be the time we share our joys.

Your friend,

J

Perhaps - Vera Brittain

Perhaps some day the sun will shine again,

And I shall see that still the skies are blue,

And feel once more I do not live in vain,

Although bereft of You.

Perhaps the golden meadows at my feet

Will make the sunny hours of spring seem gay,

And I shall find the white May-blossoms sweet,

Though You have passed away.

Perhaps the summer woods will shimmer bright,

And crimson roses once again be fair,

And autumn harvest fields a rich delight,

Although You are not there.

Perhaps some day I shall not shrink in pain

To see the passing of the dying year,

And listen to Christmas songs again,

Although You cannot hear.'

But though kind Time may many joys renew,

There is one greatest joy I shall not know

Again, because my heart for loss of You

Was broken, long ago.

Trust

Is it so hard to gain trust? Why is it so hard to believe my being? Am I not worth any ounce of your trust in me? Am I that bad, that unreliable? Am I that worthless for you to trust me when I say I didn't do it?

Why are you hurting me in any possible way? The bruises at my back is not as painful as the bruises you left in my heart. Why can't you listen?

I know why. I love you too much. So I'm stupid enough to put my heart back for you to hurt for the second time. I'm not smart you see, I am that stupid. But I want stay this stupid, why can't you let me be that idiot?

I'm in pain, agony, can you trust this? Or no?

Implode

Implode, feeling of collapsing after an outburst. I'm feeling it right now.

It's an emotional outburst that is driving me crazy. The feeling of wanting to forget but can't, can you understand?

I've been gathering all my might to tell myself to forget, but I blame myself for having such a good memory. Everything that had happened keep coming back to me like a wave, one after another. I can't even deal with one, what more dozens?

I need you to hit me on my head, or slap me on my face. Tell me everything is going to be fine, that I'm worrying too much. Who's going to do that for me?

I

aM

Pulling

Life

Out,

Dreading

Eternity.

I Seriously Don't Know

I seriously don't know what I want.

I'm not happy, my friends are not my friends anymore. I'm all alone here, and I hate it.

I thought I'm invisible, I thought I'm hard and strong enough, I thought I won't care, but I'm wrong.

Every step that I'm taking right now seems wrong, nothing seems right. I don't know what else can I do.

I was hoping for that one shoulder that I could rely on, that someone that I wish could be my friend. But I was wrong again. We got too close, and we're so far apart for that.

God knows how long more can I see properly. God knows how long more can I live. I'm hoping just for that one shoulder, is that too much to ask?

I took off my glasses. I let my vision blurred. Maybe that the way I should see things now. I'll just let everything blur out. So I won't see, so I won;t care.

I let my tears fall.

I'm sitting here, with a thousand pieces.

I'm calling out, can you hear?

Where are you?

I don't know anymore.