Whirl Pool

My mind now is spinning like a whirl pool.. Nothing is making sense now.. My heart pouding fast and hard.. It's difficult even to breath.. My chest is aching..

I know.. This should not happen.. But why?

I wish I can see you now..

Shit.. I miss you..

Take care..

March

In the beginning of the month I start to miss a person, carried from the previous month. I find myself can't stop thinking about him, I don't know why.

I wonder if I can turn my miss to action, so that I can see him in person. But I know it's impossible, I do not wish to intrude someone's life like that.

Hey, you there.

Do you know that you have messed up with my mind these few days? A simple message from you will soothe my nerves, a call for you would make me happy for the rest of the days.

But you're still so distant. I don't even know how to be connected to you. Or how to tell you what I actually feel about you. So if I tell you here. Do you mind? My blog don't have wide bunch of readers, so you should not be bothered about privacy.

I like you, a lot. You asked if I need more time, well I really don't. You asked if I can let go of that previous jerk, well I do. You asked if I could be your girlfriend, well I don't know whether your question is still valid or not, but yes I definitely want to.

I know both of us have doubts, especially you. You once said that we were so different, that you cannot see our future together. But what I would tell you, is that can we try to make things work? I'll try to catch up with you, I'll try to be part of your plan, I will not slow you down. But again, will you be with me when I need you? Will you be here when I say I miss you?

I really hope I would get a positive answer from you.




I miss you loads. I wish I could see you right now. But you said before you're busy this month. So I guess not. Take care.

Disgust

Someone told me that I disgust him..

Yes.. I'm a slut, bitch, whatever you name it..

I even disgust myself now.. I feel like vomitting..

I need someone to console me now.. Can you find me one?

I Miss That "Messy Room"

I can't believe that I'm saying this. I'm actually missing that place that I've only stepped in for one time. Is this a sign of my madness? I hope not.. =X

I just want to say, I do everything for a reason.. My decisions, they doesn't really come in sudden.. But that day was an exception.. I wasn't really using my brain.. I did whatever that my heart told me so.. And that so actually soothing.. Such long a time I have been burdening myself with thoughts and rationality.. It's time to let go for a while, even if just for a night.. At least it's something worthwhile.. I'm happy for what I did.. =)

And I miss that moment, and that person that makes me lose my mind.. I was not even pretending, I was not wearing my mask.. I'm being myself.. I felt so relax, as if nothing painful had happened before.. But the other parts of me tell me to wake up, because it might just be another temporary fling.. But I really wanted to believe, I want to put some hope in it..

I don't mean to frighten anyone, but this is my true self.. Embrace them or begone with them.. I have nothing much left to lose now.. My heart now is still in mending.. I hope you would come heal it.. I don't even care if you're leaving.. I just want to have whatever moments that's left..

I can't believe myself again.. I'm actually serious.. Can I go back to that messy room again?

I Would

I would gladly declare myself as single now
But I can't.

I would love to be selfish and care only myself
But I can't.

I would happily have some alone time and focus on my stuff
But I can't.

I would like to fall in love with other man
But I can't.

I would generously let go
But I can't.

I would do and agree whatever that they want
But I can't.

I would sincerely forgive
But I can't.

I would,
But I can't,
I just can't.

For the girl who might be reading, I'm still finding reasons to forgive. But I do not blame you. Be happy, and be good with him. I give my blessings.

是真的吗？

有时后真的很难相信，真的已经解决了吗？还是我又掉进另一个深渊里？

我自己反反复复的，其实我自己也是好伤。我已经不知道要怎么去调整我的心情了，因为不管我怎么说真么想，我的心还是痛的，无可救药的。

我好舍不得，可是发生了就是发生的。我想当做什么都没发生过，可是那些都是真的，都是逃避不了的现实。好痛好痛，可是还是要面对，要承受。过程很痛很痛，可是生活还是要过。每一天我都跟我自己说，算了，这些都是真的， 在挣扎也没用。 对啊，都改变不了什么，为什么呢？为什么要这样子呢？我也不想要痛，可是我也不能控制啊！

其实我很想说，我很爱你，很想你，到现在还是一样。我很想说，只要你不再跟她联络，我什么都可以忘记。可是我也知道，那是很自私的想法，我不能这样做， 对吗？

对不起，我真的很爱你， 也很难忘记你。请你原谅我的脆弱，我真的做不到，真的真的。

Aching

My heart is aching. Why everything seem so distant, when the relationship was once close and happy. I hate this feeling, I wanted so much to call, and to say I love him and miss him once more, but I find myself in no rightful position to do so. I am, indeed, a stranger right now. A person with no relation, nothing will connect us anymore.

My pain is still not eased, my breathing is still not right. Everything about me now is a total mess, it's really painful to bear all these, I'm suffocating.

I tried very hard to find myself some distractions, but I failed. Everything keep reminds me of my pain. I started to have worse nightmares every night. I can't even sleep well now. I would wake up with tears, and I'm very clear that it's not healthy at all, but I can do nothing about any of it.

Nothing. I hate this word. It made me feel so helpless, so useless.

I admit, I need him to be with me. I wanted not to care anything, but my rationality says no. I wanted so much to be selfish, but looking at him and everything around him, made myself say no. I want to love him like I used to, but the thorn was there, my brain and heart say no.

It's aching so much now, day and night. How can I get rid of all these.