若已无爱

最近越发明显了。你不再开口叫我，也不再回应想我爱我。一个简单的表情符号，是你对我最后的同情施舍吗？

我知道我傻。我知道我该放手。可是我会痛，我没办法开口。

如果你已经不爱我了，那你能不能放我走？

我已经没办法再哭了，我好累。

Colder

His tone is getting colder, his love to me is getting colder. 

We are getting colder. 

Every moment to wait for his reply felt like a decade. Yet when I finally received them, my heart grew even more pain. 

How long must this last? Can't you see that I'm trying so hard here? Why can't you just turn around and look at me properly for once? 

Why can't you just let me go? 

Dog Bone?

So I'm waiting for you to throw a bone at me, so I can continue to wag my tail at you. 

But when will you throw it? I'm waiting, anxiously. 

Or you couldn't care less anymore? 

Outlet

I guess my only emotional outlet would be here, a virtual space for me to let out my every scream and shout. 

I was thinking today. Should I let go? 

One part of me says that I should, another part of me says no. 

I admit, I still love him dearly. He can still makes me smile easily, but at the same time, he can make me cry as easy. 

I want so much to be extra understanding. It is not that I don't see the recent massive changes in his life. But when I tried to put myself into his shoes, I don't understand, why can't he spend some time and attention on me like what he used to be? 

And he changes so much. I could not help but compare. 

Is it because of those changes that I see? 

Or perhaps, it's because of his dwindling feelings of me. 

Is it so, that he no longer loves me? 

Give me a hint, let me know. Please. 

Is it time?

The same thought has been bothering me for months. 

Everything has changed. 

Maybe he did not realize it, but I do. I'm sensitive in that way, or maybe I'm too sensitive about that. But I can't help but make comparisons between 7 months ago and now. 

He used to text me in the morning. 

He used to call me when he finishes work. 

He used to spend some time texting me. 

But now it's all gone. 

I keep explaining to myself that he's just very busy, with his new job title and his other commitments. But everytime when I tell myself this, I felt so low and down. I felt like, I am nothing to him. 

I told him how I felt. But the aftermath made the situation worse. He grew more distant than before. 

He used to hug me to sleep. But now, he turned his back on me. 

All these little signs and symptoms are driving me crazy. He is driving me crazy. 

Is it time to say goodbye? Even if I said it, he wouldn't mind, right? 

Lost, yet again

I thought I was happy. 

But when you have to compete with lots of other factors in reality, like career, family, friends, then you realize, you're not really important at all. 

But you can't place any blame, because that's acceptable generally. But am I allow to be selfish? Am I allow to throw tantrums and whine like a kid? 

I can't. I'm too egoistic to do that. 

He told me to just be myself. He was so calm. He sounded like if I were to mention about break up, he wouldn't mind at all. Or perhaps, that's what he wants? 

For 25 years, even I myself can't figure out what kind of person I am. I'm that confused. 

So be myself, means I camouflage into the person that the people around me want me to be. I people-please my life all these years, sometimes allowing myself to be a mischief, but always, I go back to the crowd. 

I am so fucked up right now that I don't even know what I want anymore. The moment I face any kind of hardship, I would assume that it's going to be over. 

When have I learnt to view things in such negative way? Why am I always prepared for the worst? 

Have I no value at all? Did I not possess any single quality that would make people around me need me, and appreciate me? 

What should I do? What else can I do? Can somebody teach me? 

I'm scared

To be honest, I'm really scared. 

I'm scared that I might lose him one day. Because for the first time in my life, I feel so out of my league. 

He might not be perfect, but he's perfect for me. I'm so scared that I ache at the thought of losing him. 

There's too many things that I can't give him. There's too much memories that I can't compete or compare. What am I to him? 

I just hope that this relationship would stay as long as it can. I don't know when will I lose it. 

Will I be able to let go of him when it's time?