Empty Harbour

A lot of things had happened recently. Some are good, some are bad. These mix feelings always bring my emotions to some level of growth, and that I gained something from it. This time, the lesson is painful, and it still hurts till now. It's something that I can't let go just like that. I guess this time I need much more time than before to digest all of these. Some, are just too big and too much to swallow.

I can't even bear to see his name, let alone to see his face.

But each time the pain of missing that someone would tear me apart, that I could control myself no more. I just had to pick up the phone and dial to that number.

I'm such a coward, I know. I have no determination at all.

When will I have the courage to do the things that I'm supposed to do? I'm not supposed to act this way. I should not have sleeping late at night thinking about him, and let myself cry to bed. I want to be brave, I imagine myself to be a tough woman, but I am not. I am not, when it comes to him, I am not.

After all, I'm just a simple woman who needs a simple hug. After all, I need you, after all.

空港 - 戴爱玲

话已经讲完

爱已风乾
心不再摇晃

梦早已存档
谁在寂寞的空港
催促着离去的航班

只能这样

删去你的影像

就没有遗憾
这次我很坚强

不再有幻想
你的梦不够宽敞
装不下我的泪两行

今夜我就要离航

点亮月光

走进没有爱情的空港
忘掉感伤

忘掉所有替你圆的谎
不必伪装

天塌下来就让别人去扛
没有你那又怎样

你真的不必再勉强
我不会再有期望
今夜就要把你释放

乘着月光

航向没有梦想的空港
面对忧伤

面对明天我会更勇敢
不怕风霜

告诉自己就在这里松绑
没有你就是这样

剪断月光

停在没有回忆的空港
独自疗伤

抱着自己好好哭一场
不再迷惘

不再对你存有任何遐想
没有你不会怎样

就把你遗忘

把你遗忘

I vomited all my guts out after 1 bucket or so beer. Didn't feel right, yet felt damn right.

Went back home with a shitty look, family was worried and scolding. I don't give a fuck, I went straight to bathroom and vomited again, and slept.

Woke up in the afternoon feeling like shit.

Are these the procedures that I have to go through to forget you?

I must have been crazy. After so many bloody hell you gave to me, I'm still in love with you? You've been so bad to me, yet I still put up hopes? Am I crazy or hallucinating? Fuck!

That's why I've been desperately wanting to leave this place. I must be away from the place you're staying in right now. I must go. Forgive me for my stubbornness.

Why things always have to end this way.

Let Go

Everyone tells me to let go. I listened, but I can't seem to do it. Why are you tempting me in every possible way? I tried to hate you but I could not do it. I tried stop calling you but I could not do it.

You know what? All these are just shitty. I'm shitty.

烟

最近有股冲动想学抽烟，想把那些复杂的情绪吸进去再吐出来。这应该算是种情绪上的输送吧，我是这样跟我自己说的。可是我始终都过不了自己那关。这到底是我吗？还是只是一种逃避？就算学会了抽烟又怎么样，我会变得更好吗？

说穿了，我只是想找个借口来让自己堕落。

只有在抽烟的时候，不断咳嗽，拼了命想让自己呼吸正常一点，我才不会去想他。

只有在抽烟的时候，反复动作，规律得让我的脑袋放空。

脑袋一旦空了，我就再也想不起什么。

抽烟，应该会让我整个人都放空了吧。

我终于明白了为什么有人执着于抽烟。

寂寞的时候，有根烟陪着你，似乎是件不错的事呢。

我想抽烟了，你会来阻止我吗？

Lesson To Learn

I admit I was fucking mad at myself previously.

I'm just fucking pissed off with myself right now, at this moment, everyday in my life currently.

All this is just not right. What am I doing now? I don't even know myself anymore. I feel like there's an alien in my body to direct me to do things. My body have it's own mind. I'm a fucking zombie.

I live and breath everyday, but never had I felt so lost before, as if my life was without a purpose, so damn meaningless. Everyday is just a day, no fucking big deal. What's more to this life? Is there nothing else out there?

My friend scolded me a few days ago, said that I don't have enough working experience, that I haven't see enough of this cruel working world. But believe me I had seen enough of this bloody world, this bloody truth. I am indeed facing it right now. My every sight and hearing reminds me of it every fucking day. Can you believe it? I'm actually facing and looking my pain everyday, and I can't even run away because of the bloody truth of the world! Fuck myself!

I wish the pain would go away.

This is my coward wish every time I get hurt. I would prefer to go away and hide.

But this time, it's entirely different. I'm forced to stay put and look at it. And I have to deal with it, no matter what.

Is this the lesson that I have to learn nearing my 22nd years of life?

I wish someone is here now. Even a simple hug will do. I need something to lean on for this painful lesson.

WTF AM I DOING?

I'm pretty sure I'm not in a normal state.

Do you see me going all out to pester just one person, so that this person could pay extra attention to you?

Do you see me flooding people's inbox so that this person could notice me?

Do you see me looking at my own mobile like an idiot whole day, hoping this person would call or message?

DO YOU FUCKING SEE ME DO ALL THESE FUCKING BULLSHIT?

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?