Only Hope

Tears were welling up in my eyes. But I didn't cry, I blinked them away.

I had seen uncountable memories that doesn't belongs to me kept safely in some where, but this time was different. The memory was new, but the same old lovable person that I've imagined I've met in my dreams.

She is still perfect, I think. At least better than I am.

That was why I did not even want to be angry. I felt I'm the third party, instead of her. But I did asked peacefully, maybe demanding some explanations from him that would at least makes me feel better. But that explanation made it even worse.

I keep repeating my magic chant, that everything is okay. But seems like my magic chant had again lost it's power. But I'm glad that I hid my emotions away. I did that real well.

I know I'm upset. But I don't want to show it. Allow me to be selfish, let me keep whatever moments that I have with him. That's my only wish.

Weeee ~

My music player is WORKING!! Lolx.. Guess it's not so effing hard to have songs soothing your nerves while you're blogging.. =P

Anyway, my favourite is still missing.. Hmph!

* Bella's Lullaby = Yiruma's River Flows in You * It's not the original version. =X

I wonder when can I sit at the front seat of a harmonic concert and admire the handsome face of the pianist.. I will definitely fall in love.. Guess I'll add this to my list before I'm 25.

Search Within Yourself

Sometimes I wonder where the heck am I?

I'm not an idiot, nor suffering from amnesia.. I know where I am physically.. But I tend to forgot where am I spiritually, or mentally, or emotionally, whatever terms is it.. You get what I mean..

I've been drifting from here to there.. A lot of me had changed, due to some circumstances and my ability to adapt and tolerate, I found out that I can put forth different faces in front of different people.. If you want a quiet Jasmine, you got it! If you want a crazy Jasmine, you definitely got it! Because sooner or later I'll get confused by these masks, and turned myself insane.

It's very easy, I can't be myself. So I go crazy. End of story.

So what it myself? Who am I? I have all these questions that makes me question myself everyday, but seems that I can't get a definite answer. Two years ago when I asked myself what do I really want? I would tell you I want to study overseas and work there, get away from my family. Now if you ask me the same question, I would say I want to grad as soon as possible, earn a lot of money and buy my dad a car.

That actually prooves that I'm really dynamic! In a bad way though, because I don't stand strong enough on my ground.

The previous example is a good way of me changing. The next example is a bad way of me changing.

I kept silence in a lot of things now.

When I get this treatment that I don't think I deserve, I kept quiet. When someone scolded me, I kept quiet. I cried quietly. I don't complaint, I don't nag. I wonder what's happening to me.. That's not someone that I want to be two years ago, I thought I wanted to be a feminist at that time.

And again I began the search within myself. I found out that I tolerated with a lot of things. And it's getting worse. As a continuation from my previous post, I gave in also to familarity. I miss the cruel and stone-hearted me at previous days, although I might lose a lot of friends, I made lots of wise decisions that benefits me and some people. But now, *speechless*

This journey of searching true self has failed immensely.

Mission Failed. Abort.