Search Within Yourself

Sometimes I wonder where the heck am I?

I'm not an idiot, nor suffering from amnesia.. I know where I am physically.. But I tend to forgot where am I spiritually, or mentally, or emotionally, whatever terms is it.. You get what I mean..

I've been drifting from here to there.. A lot of me had changed, due to some circumstances and my ability to adapt and tolerate, I found out that I can put forth different faces in front of different people.. If you want a quiet Jasmine, you got it! If you want a crazy Jasmine, you definitely got it! Because sooner or later I'll get confused by these masks, and turned myself insane.

It's very easy, I can't be myself. So I go crazy. End of story.

So what it myself? Who am I? I have all these questions that makes me question myself everyday, but seems that I can't get a definite answer. Two years ago when I asked myself what do I really want? I would tell you I want to study overseas and work there, get away from my family. Now if you ask me the same question, I would say I want to grad as soon as possible, earn a lot of money and buy my dad a car.

That actually prooves that I'm really dynamic! In a bad way though, because I don't stand strong enough on my ground.

The previous example is a good way of me changing. The next example is a bad way of me changing.

I kept silence in a lot of things now.

When I get this treatment that I don't think I deserve, I kept quiet. When someone scolded me, I kept quiet. I cried quietly. I don't complaint, I don't nag. I wonder what's happening to me.. That's not someone that I want to be two years ago, I thought I wanted to be a feminist at that time.

And again I began the search within myself. I found out that I tolerated with a lot of things. And it's getting worse. As a continuation from my previous post, I gave in also to familarity. I miss the cruel and stone-hearted me at previous days, although I might lose a lot of friends, I made lots of wise decisions that benefits me and some people. But now, *speechless*

This journey of searching true self has failed immensely.

Mission Failed. Abort.