Woke up this morning feeling tired as ever. The sleeping condition has not improved a bit, where I can only get the very minimum amount of rest. I looked down at my feet and laughed a little; even in the comfort of my own house, the nightmare would not go away.
But I decided to be hopeful for the day, as I was back him for something joyful and festive. Arranging one by one, those wedding invitations cards are divided into different piles according to different address. I saw the small laugh on my parents' face while they were figuring out the number of people coming for the wedding buffet. Their faces were aglow and genuinely happy. So I wanted to feel the same way as well, I want to be happy.
In the afternoon I was out meeting some new friends who were really nice and friendly. I was able to laugh and smile a lot. At least that was a good try. But seeing his face I remind myself not to try on that treacherous path again; he's a good man, I do not deserve a good man.
But he was so kind, his face was sparkling with sincerity. The genuine kind of concern and care; they were all so compelling. The more I restrain myself the kinder he is to me.
So I decided to repeat the same act again. I have to push him away as far as I can. I acted all needy and tiresome. I acted petty and dumb. I acted everything that I hate in woman the most.
But he is still there, standing still as ever. He does not even bother to pull away, instead he asked me why do I do all that. It was as if he knew what I was doing.
And so I gave in, and told him the every vulnerable part of me. And he gave me the warmest hug ever, whispering in my ears that everything will be okay.
It has been so long since I felt some genuine feelings given to me.
Though there's mutual likeness in between, nothing really changed after this night. We remained friends whom I really thankful to. If it was not because of him, I would still be stuck in my old nightmare, thinking myself as pathetic and forgotten.
I should try to sleep tonight. I hope for a good night sleep, which I'm feeling positive about.
Good night, 616. I wish today would repeat all over again.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
A Tribute To Tun M
Yesterday I was rather heated up by Tun M's article regarding equality in law. It was brilliant. A well-fired yet subtle enough mockery to the current unjust happenings.
At the age of 85 he manages to keep his head so clear and still keep close attention to the things that happen around him. Some think that he misses his power back in the 80s, where he is said he is capable to rule Malaysia single-handed. But how many of these people actually blurted out those blunt opinions based on what they think? Or are they simply parroting what the others have been gossiping in the kopitiam?
A normal 85-year-old retiree would sit at home and enjoy playtime with his grandchildren. A normal 85-year-old would enjoy a quiet and peaceful life with his loved ones. A normal 85-year-old would enjoy sipping his cup of coffee while reading newspaper in the morning sunlight. Yes, that is the image of an 85-year-old that the society can accept and tolerate.
But this 85-year-old is loud and firm in his speech. His concerns have led him to write pieces and pieces of articles based on his own view points. He actively join social events that have invited him to talk about his opinions. Indeed, he owns a large group of supporters; But at the same time he gained fiery comments on his comeback to the political arena, as well as lots of opponents.
Every single day he is flooded with critics and comments. People are inspecting his life after retirement. His every movement is again under the spotlight.
Do you actually think he enjoys the limelight? Or he is so hungered of attention that he wants to get himself involved in the politics again? Perhaps he has nothing better to do besides writing pieces of articles that would get himself harsh critics every day?
Yes, he may be Tun M's, one of the greatest leaders that the world has given recognition, he too, at the same time, is a normal 85-year-old. We always forget that he too will grow old in time, because his image of national leader is so deeply rooted in our hearts, that we all immortalized him. If he wants the limelight and attention, he could have it any time, or he could have done it in a different way. He could have talk about something else, besides this sensitive issue of politics. Supporters of his would still adore him. But why did he chose the hard way?
He is definitely not sadistic, yet from what I believe, his clear mind would not allow him stay quiet in such chaotic time. He is a true patriotic soul that genuinely concerns about the welfare of the country, and he is loud and harsh enough to voice out what he thinks without fear. Though hit hard by tonnes of denouncing voices, he continues to do what he believes in and continues to be speak out his mind.
Again, do you think he is so bored of his peaceful and quiet life that he decided to spice up his life a little by getting this sort of extra attention? Or he might want to try how much more stress can his heart take after that two major heart surgery back in 2008?
Some may think that my post today is shallow, that I have failed to see his faults during his reign. There were corruption, power abuse, fraud and maybe more under-covered crimes. Yes, I do not deny that. But is the political arena a clean slate to begin with? Can I name one political figure in the world that has never got himself associated with any of the mentioned faults? No. Can I name one political figure in the world that is corrupted and felt no remorse? Yes. In fact I could make a list with news evidences everywhere.
At times like this, we forget that Tun M is a 85-year-old. At those time we have forgotten that Tun M was also a mere human being who needed to survive and secure his position. He did what he had to do to stay put. As a matter of fact do we have someone at par with him if he were to step down from his position at that time? Could he quit everything and let go?
I am not trying to make Tun M a saint here. Whether or not he has committed those faults, I do not know; but the one thing I do know is that he has made contributions to the country that have brought Malaysia to another step forward, towards modernization, towards world-class economy and education, towards globalization. All of these progress have grown within our people, that we have grown more mature and open to foreign cultures and ideas.
Numerous policies were introduced in his time that have benefited the mass. Diplomatic relations between Eastern countries like China, Japan and Korea were improved. Far-sighted ideologies and ideals were shared with the public, as he wanted our people to transform into first-class citizens. He wanted us to learn from the best and pick up the best attitude in order to elevate our country into a better place. He gave us a clear goal to follow so that all people, irregardless of race or religion, could work together towards a similar target.
Such leadership was highly appraised around the globe, where again and again he received the highest form of recognition from different countries. Yet our own people see the fault in him, as if his 22 years of hard work was nothing, that the country is better off without him. Really?
Have you ever sit down and think rationally, for once, that what could have happen to the country if he was not there during the 1997 crisis? Would we end up like Greece? Or perhaps Indonesia?
Some would tell me they thank him for whatever that he has done for the country, but his time is over and he should never get himself so involved again in the political arena.
If the country's political scene is a tranquil picture with nothing but bright sunshine and wide green field, he would have stay put in his now quiet and comfortable life. But he risks his own health and reputation to go out to the public again and make his constant appearances, for attention sake?
For once I plea the people in this country to not just be grateful to his contributions but also his comeback. His voice carries influential weight as people do acknowledge his intelligence and acute perceptions. His words make a difference, and that is why opponents are fervently disturbed by such vigorous return. People take heed of what he thinks as it is almost always accurate. He was once our inspirational leader, and he will always be in our hearts.
And as for me, he will always be my idol and a prominent figure I look up to for life.
At the age of 85 he manages to keep his head so clear and still keep close attention to the things that happen around him. Some think that he misses his power back in the 80s, where he is said he is capable to rule Malaysia single-handed. But how many of these people actually blurted out those blunt opinions based on what they think? Or are they simply parroting what the others have been gossiping in the kopitiam?
A normal 85-year-old retiree would sit at home and enjoy playtime with his grandchildren. A normal 85-year-old would enjoy a quiet and peaceful life with his loved ones. A normal 85-year-old would enjoy sipping his cup of coffee while reading newspaper in the morning sunlight. Yes, that is the image of an 85-year-old that the society can accept and tolerate.
But this 85-year-old is loud and firm in his speech. His concerns have led him to write pieces and pieces of articles based on his own view points. He actively join social events that have invited him to talk about his opinions. Indeed, he owns a large group of supporters; But at the same time he gained fiery comments on his comeback to the political arena, as well as lots of opponents.
Every single day he is flooded with critics and comments. People are inspecting his life after retirement. His every movement is again under the spotlight.
Do you actually think he enjoys the limelight? Or he is so hungered of attention that he wants to get himself involved in the politics again? Perhaps he has nothing better to do besides writing pieces of articles that would get himself harsh critics every day?
Yes, he may be Tun M's, one of the greatest leaders that the world has given recognition, he too, at the same time, is a normal 85-year-old. We always forget that he too will grow old in time, because his image of national leader is so deeply rooted in our hearts, that we all immortalized him. If he wants the limelight and attention, he could have it any time, or he could have done it in a different way. He could have talk about something else, besides this sensitive issue of politics. Supporters of his would still adore him. But why did he chose the hard way?
He is definitely not sadistic, yet from what I believe, his clear mind would not allow him stay quiet in such chaotic time. He is a true patriotic soul that genuinely concerns about the welfare of the country, and he is loud and harsh enough to voice out what he thinks without fear. Though hit hard by tonnes of denouncing voices, he continues to do what he believes in and continues to be speak out his mind.
Again, do you think he is so bored of his peaceful and quiet life that he decided to spice up his life a little by getting this sort of extra attention? Or he might want to try how much more stress can his heart take after that two major heart surgery back in 2008?
Some may think that my post today is shallow, that I have failed to see his faults during his reign. There were corruption, power abuse, fraud and maybe more under-covered crimes. Yes, I do not deny that. But is the political arena a clean slate to begin with? Can I name one political figure in the world that has never got himself associated with any of the mentioned faults? No. Can I name one political figure in the world that is corrupted and felt no remorse? Yes. In fact I could make a list with news evidences everywhere.
At times like this, we forget that Tun M is a 85-year-old. At those time we have forgotten that Tun M was also a mere human being who needed to survive and secure his position. He did what he had to do to stay put. As a matter of fact do we have someone at par with him if he were to step down from his position at that time? Could he quit everything and let go?
I am not trying to make Tun M a saint here. Whether or not he has committed those faults, I do not know; but the one thing I do know is that he has made contributions to the country that have brought Malaysia to another step forward, towards modernization, towards world-class economy and education, towards globalization. All of these progress have grown within our people, that we have grown more mature and open to foreign cultures and ideas.
Numerous policies were introduced in his time that have benefited the mass. Diplomatic relations between Eastern countries like China, Japan and Korea were improved. Far-sighted ideologies and ideals were shared with the public, as he wanted our people to transform into first-class citizens. He wanted us to learn from the best and pick up the best attitude in order to elevate our country into a better place. He gave us a clear goal to follow so that all people, irregardless of race or religion, could work together towards a similar target.
Such leadership was highly appraised around the globe, where again and again he received the highest form of recognition from different countries. Yet our own people see the fault in him, as if his 22 years of hard work was nothing, that the country is better off without him. Really?
Have you ever sit down and think rationally, for once, that what could have happen to the country if he was not there during the 1997 crisis? Would we end up like Greece? Or perhaps Indonesia?
Some would tell me they thank him for whatever that he has done for the country, but his time is over and he should never get himself so involved again in the political arena.
If the country's political scene is a tranquil picture with nothing but bright sunshine and wide green field, he would have stay put in his now quiet and comfortable life. But he risks his own health and reputation to go out to the public again and make his constant appearances, for attention sake?
For once I plea the people in this country to not just be grateful to his contributions but also his comeback. His voice carries influential weight as people do acknowledge his intelligence and acute perceptions. His words make a difference, and that is why opponents are fervently disturbed by such vigorous return. People take heed of what he thinks as it is almost always accurate. He was once our inspirational leader, and he will always be in our hearts.
And as for me, he will always be my idol and a prominent figure I look up to for life.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Everything is not okay
All these while I keep telling myself it's okay. I keep telling myself that everything will be fine. But I couldn't lie to myself any longer, not with those signs and symptoms that I am having.
My stomach is rejecting food.
My body rejecting rest.
My back is aching.
My head is killing me.
My hair is falling.
My lips is cracking.
My face is a mess.
My life is a mess.
I got so scared that I'm having this nightmare repeatedly. I would scream and cry, and the moment I open my eyes and see the dark room around me, I cry even longer. I can't even stay at home now, I'm scared that I'll shock my parents. I can only be alone, all alone.
Tonight I finally let my fears out. I told him everything, but I know he couldn't do anything as well. But his voice is the only familiar thing that could calm me down. I knew it was wrong to call, but I have no choice. I must really clear myself out from his life, it's not fair for the girl. The old one should never present in a new relationship, and among all I should understand that better.
All I can do now is pray. I pray that everything will really be fine, because I have lost strength to lie to myself that way. I must hold myself together again and continue to move on. I need to be that.
And for once, one last time, I hope that you would be here with me, hugging me tight and ask me to be good. You would hold me when I'm scared, and tell me that it's okay.
But all that have to go now. I need to let go. It's not mine anymore.
Everything is not okay, because I have no one. I am all alone.
My stomach is rejecting food.
My body rejecting rest.
My back is aching.
My head is killing me.
My hair is falling.
My lips is cracking.
My face is a mess.
My life is a mess.
I got so scared that I'm having this nightmare repeatedly. I would scream and cry, and the moment I open my eyes and see the dark room around me, I cry even longer. I can't even stay at home now, I'm scared that I'll shock my parents. I can only be alone, all alone.
Tonight I finally let my fears out. I told him everything, but I know he couldn't do anything as well. But his voice is the only familiar thing that could calm me down. I knew it was wrong to call, but I have no choice. I must really clear myself out from his life, it's not fair for the girl. The old one should never present in a new relationship, and among all I should understand that better.
All I can do now is pray. I pray that everything will really be fine, because I have lost strength to lie to myself that way. I must hold myself together again and continue to move on. I need to be that.
And for once, one last time, I hope that you would be here with me, hugging me tight and ask me to be good. You would hold me when I'm scared, and tell me that it's okay.
But all that have to go now. I need to let go. It's not mine anymore.
Everything is not okay, because I have no one. I am all alone.
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