Why Does This Emo Shit Has To Pick Me?

Honestly speaking, I am already at the brink of my physical and mental strength. I swear if you stretch me some more, I will snap right away. I am tired, I am sick, I am in pain, I am in anything uncomfortable that you can imagine of. I need a decent rest and break like fish gasping for water.

Yes, IT IS THIS BAD.

All I want to do now is hide inside your warm hug and listen to your voice to tell me everything is going to be okay. But it shall remain as my fantasy, because I know that you will never do this for me.

Where are you? When I need you the most.

Say I'm a Bird

When I opened my eyes this morning I stared at the ceiling for a while. It was still 6.15 in the morning and my room was still dark. Saturday morning like this, I was called back to school for a morning meeting.

In the darkness I got myself thinking. How long has it been, since I really do something that I really want and something that could really make me happy? I remembered the last time I did something according to my instinct, it back-fired on me harshly.

For one moment, I had lost passion completely. I felt nothing towards the mundaneness of my life. One day after another I repeat the same thing over and over again.

I used to dread life like this. I was once a wild child who seek for excitement and new things everyday. I was like a bird.

But I realized now that I have had my wings clipped since I took up this job. Responsibilities had made me grown up; reality had made me opened my eyes. I am no longer a person of free will.

I wish I could be that fun and adventurous again. I wish I could again have the passion to hop on to a bus and go to some strangers' place just for the sake of the white sand and blue sea. I wish I could have the rush in my veins again when I am doing things that I like.

I wish I could be that bird again. Say I'm a bird will you? I am going to gather all courage to be that bird once more.

Inevitable Pain

I knew this would happen long ago. It was too calm, too quiet for my being. It is officially 3 months from now, it is officially the end. No more rebounds, no more second chance.

I had a hard time to breathe when I realize this.

I concentrate on my breathing. In, out. In, out. Every sip of air seems like a decade.

That heartache that he once gave me was back. Only this time, I brought this heartache to myself. I thought I could get away with all those pain, I thought I had outgrown the pain. I was wrong, it is still painful as hell.

It wasn't easy at all to take down everything all together. When in front of your own eyes, you wipe out everything that had happened for 2 years in 15 minutes.

The pain is inevitable, though prepared, I'm not any better to handle the situation. Tears still stream down from the corner of my eyes, I tasted salt and bitter.

I am now at the tip of banging my own head to the wall.

This Day Off

Decided to ask the unable-to-ask question the other day. Eng up getting a negative. I was expecting it anyway, so it wasn't really a shocker. I will try again some time again, but not sure if I'll be able to take the second hit.

So I decided to have this day off to go back to the place where everything started to fall apart.

Started out early in the morning and reach the place around 10am. Grabbed Starbucks with Shepherd Pie and started thinking back again. The waited for the shopping center to open up and take a stroll there. Called friend for a movie, and went back home in the evening.

I walked back to all the place we had walked before. Reminiscing each pieces of details.

I was wrong. And I regret that. But I can't turn back time. I can only embrace this fact.

But I refuse to move on.

Can you forgive me, for I will try it again and again.