The Victim Syndrome

I always thought I have this victim syndrome. I would always fall for some guys who are not ready or are unable to commit in a relationship. I told myself over and over again not to fall for the same trap again, and yet again and again I find my way back into this painful abyss.

Finally when I met the recent him, I thought all of this would be over. He is the kind of guy who shows commitment, shows attention, shows love, romantic and everything I would ever ask for from my previous failed relationships, it was good at first, almost too good to be true.

Yes, it was too good to be true. I found it life-choking after 3 months into this relationship.

I'm losing time on my own, I'm losing my own private time, I'm losing everything that I'm proud of myself last time; even though I was a failure in several relationships. But with my own time to heal and my own way of surviving in the dome of solitude I manage to be strong, independent and happy.

I starting to lose myself in this relationship.

What is happening to me? Am I turning into someone I used to curse and hate? I am afraid of commitment?

When I don't get the things I want, I whine. When I finally get the things I want, I dodge.

It seems like I'm forever stuck being the victim, or a predator?

Mid November

Been too lazy to update, or to even put effort in anything. I practically laze through the whole of 3 months. Every day and every day, repeating over and over again.

And it was the end of a year again, without me realizing.

Suddenly, I realized time wasn't that kind to me anymore. It had moved so fast without me even realizing it.

I know it is all my fault, because I have made all these happen. I am the one who let my life to go on this way, aimlessly.

Yet when I am writing this now, I have no intention to change any bit of it. I have decided to let my life drifts.

Goodbye, passion. Goodbye.

August

This month reminds me of this movie named "August Rush".

A movie filled with music, love and tears; and most importantly, the strength to hold on to one's belief even if the situation does not encourage you.

By the time I finish this movie I question myself, do I have the same strength to hold on as well?

And immediately I got the answer. No.

I am not a strong believer, even when everyone tells me I can, I doubt my own ability.
Even when the situation allows, I hesitate.
Even when I'm told to leave, I linger.

And I figure, the one reason for me to hold on all these while is starting to fade away, so does my faith, and my strength.

When you walk away, did you know that you were the reason for me to hold on?

Miserable Start

Just when I thought everything are finally going towards the better, but the wheel has to turn so soon. I don't even have time to rejoice, to actually feel lucky; and everything has to be taken away.

My career has gone down the slope. My family is in a mess. My relationship has gone haywired. I myself is a complete mess.

The only thing that I can tell myself now is "I'm okay". That is the only phrase that has accompany me without fail through these year.

I'm okay. Everything will be okay.

Good Night, Good Bye

Let me do this one last thing for you alright? Let me help you make up your mind.

And when I do, please try your best and fight for what you really want this time; hold on tight and don't let go.

Good night sweetness gracious. Good bye.

Nightmare

I remember I was looking frantically for someone or something. And so I screamed and screamed, but there's no voice coming out from my dry throat.

I ran and ran, but there's no one in sight. And when I started panicking and crying, I fell down from a tall building.

That's when I wake up crying, sometimes shouting.

And when I open my eyes I cry even harder, gasping for air.

It's all happening again, isn't it? The same dream. Must it always have to be like this? Must I get used to this?

616

Woke up this morning feeling tired as ever. The sleeping condition has not improved a bit, where I can only get the very minimum amount of rest. I looked down at my feet and laughed a little; even in the comfort of my own house, the nightmare would not go away.

But I decided to be hopeful for the day, as I was back him for something joyful and festive. Arranging one by one, those wedding invitations cards are divided into different piles according to different address. I saw the small laugh on my parents' face while they were figuring out the number of people coming for the wedding buffet. Their faces were aglow and genuinely happy. So I wanted to feel the same way as well, I want to be happy.

In the afternoon I was out meeting some new friends who were really nice and friendly. I was able to laugh and smile a lot. At least that was a good try. But seeing his face I remind myself not to try on that treacherous path again; he's a good man, I do not deserve a good man.

But he was so kind, his face was sparkling with sincerity. The genuine kind of concern and care; they were all so compelling. The more I restrain myself the kinder he is to me.

So I decided to repeat the same act again. I have to push him away as far as I can. I acted all needy and tiresome. I acted petty and dumb. I acted everything that I hate in woman the most.

But he is still there, standing still as ever. He does not even bother to pull away, instead he asked me why do I do all that. It was as if he knew what I was doing.

And so I gave in, and told him the every vulnerable part of me. And he gave me the warmest hug ever, whispering in my ears that everything will be okay.

It has been so long since I felt some genuine feelings given to me.

Though there's mutual likeness in between, nothing really changed after this night. We remained friends whom I really thankful to. If it was not because of him, I would still be stuck in my old nightmare, thinking myself as pathetic and forgotten.

I should try to sleep tonight. I hope for a good night sleep, which I'm feeling positive about.

Good night, 616. I wish today would repeat all over again.