Healing

I am thankful for having awesome friends. Thank you for staying with me through this difficult period. I love each and every one of you so much.

Holiday plan will kick start in 2 weeks time. I finally have some time to gather myself up, release myself and indulge!

First up, Video Games Live (VGL) Orchestra at Istana Budaya Kuala Lumpur on 26th May, 8pm.

Next up, Gold Coast Morid Resort, Banting on 27th May

What more could I ask, my favourite music, my favourite white sand and blue sea. Thanks Jen, Thank Nigel. Love you two the best! :)

Why Does This Emo Shit Has To Pick Me?

Honestly speaking, I am already at the brink of my physical and mental strength. I swear if you stretch me some more, I will snap right away. I am tired, I am sick, I am in pain, I am in anything uncomfortable that you can imagine of. I need a decent rest and break like fish gasping for water.

Yes, IT IS THIS BAD.

All I want to do now is hide inside your warm hug and listen to your voice to tell me everything is going to be okay. But it shall remain as my fantasy, because I know that you will never do this for me.

Where are you? When I need you the most.

Say I'm a Bird

When I opened my eyes this morning I stared at the ceiling for a while. It was still 6.15 in the morning and my room was still dark. Saturday morning like this, I was called back to school for a morning meeting.

In the darkness I got myself thinking. How long has it been, since I really do something that I really want and something that could really make me happy? I remembered the last time I did something according to my instinct, it back-fired on me harshly.

For one moment, I had lost passion completely. I felt nothing towards the mundaneness of my life. One day after another I repeat the same thing over and over again.

I used to dread life like this. I was once a wild child who seek for excitement and new things everyday. I was like a bird.

But I realized now that I have had my wings clipped since I took up this job. Responsibilities had made me grown up; reality had made me opened my eyes. I am no longer a person of free will.

I wish I could be that fun and adventurous again. I wish I could again have the passion to hop on to a bus and go to some strangers' place just for the sake of the white sand and blue sea. I wish I could have the rush in my veins again when I am doing things that I like.

I wish I could be that bird again. Say I'm a bird will you? I am going to gather all courage to be that bird once more.

Inevitable Pain

I knew this would happen long ago. It was too calm, too quiet for my being. It is officially 3 months from now, it is officially the end. No more rebounds, no more second chance.

I had a hard time to breathe when I realize this.

I concentrate on my breathing. In, out. In, out. Every sip of air seems like a decade.

That heartache that he once gave me was back. Only this time, I brought this heartache to myself. I thought I could get away with all those pain, I thought I had outgrown the pain. I was wrong, it is still painful as hell.

It wasn't easy at all to take down everything all together. When in front of your own eyes, you wipe out everything that had happened for 2 years in 15 minutes.

The pain is inevitable, though prepared, I'm not any better to handle the situation. Tears still stream down from the corner of my eyes, I tasted salt and bitter.

I am now at the tip of banging my own head to the wall.

This Day Off

Decided to ask the unable-to-ask question the other day. Eng up getting a negative. I was expecting it anyway, so it wasn't really a shocker. I will try again some time again, but not sure if I'll be able to take the second hit.

So I decided to have this day off to go back to the place where everything started to fall apart.

Started out early in the morning and reach the place around 10am. Grabbed Starbucks with Shepherd Pie and started thinking back again. The waited for the shopping center to open up and take a stroll there. Called friend for a movie, and went back home in the evening.

I walked back to all the place we had walked before. Reminiscing each pieces of details.

I was wrong. And I regret that. But I can't turn back time. I can only embrace this fact.

But I refuse to move on.

Can you forgive me, for I will try it again and again.

Best Way to Communicate?

I don't know how to put this, but I guess writing is the best way to communicate to a friend who decided to ignore you for the better.

I seriously don't get it in the beginning.

What the hell did I do wrong? Did I upset him? Did I scared him away? Did I this did I that?

I couldn't take it at all that all of a sudden a friend decided to ditch me just like that, with no preview or fore-warn. I was deeply wounded, thinking that it must be my fault.

Then I started sending frantic messages, asking for clarifications. Which after much waiting he coldly replied, I was busy with work.

At that moment I realized, I had lost this friend, with reasons I could not identify.

I really wished somebody could tell me what happened, at least tell me the reason why. But since the particular person could not even care less to tell me, I figure this is a question that I shall never get answer.

If you are reading this, these are the things that I wish to tell you.

"I really don't know why you acted like this, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Don't give me the reason that you're busy working or something, I will tell you that's all bullshit.

You might have heard things about me.
I do not wish to clarify, since you never ask. I do not wish to deny either, because that was my past. But if you choose to believe in other people's story instead of mine, that is your choice. I can tell you that I'm a changed person now, different from my past that is, but you can choose not to believe me.

Other than this, I could not think of other reasons. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, which I doubt you will.

Thank you very much for your kindness. I will always keep all of that in mind.

If this is our end, then I wish you goodbye here. Good luck for your future undertakings, and I really mean it."

You know what, I'm really sad. I thought you were different, but you're not.

I don't think you will read this anyway. This is definitely not the best way to communicate with you. Stupid me!

I Hate This

Another night like this, when my thoughts are wandering.

Quite a number of revelations have been through my mind lately. But none of it can be resolved. I'm kinda losing my touch is solving problems, and I can the direct impact from it. Each and every day I am choked by piling things. Sooner or later I'll be drown to death.

I should be happy, that holiday is coming and I finally have a whole week to rest. But the truth is there are more things waiting for me to deal with once I'm back from this holiday. Lots and lots of new responsibilities that I don't even want to think about it. I am not breathing right, let alone thinking right. I continue to stuff my face with food, and again and again I blame myself for growing fatter and fatter every day, then I continue to eat again.

This sickening cycle has to stop. But how?

And I seek no comfort in other matters as well, neither family nor relationship. I am one man's island.

I really hate to think that I am this alone. Everything has to be on my own. How I long for someone or something for me to lean and hold on. But I don't even know whether such thing exist or not in my life.

I really hate this. I really really do.