Inevitable Pain

I knew this would happen long ago. It was too calm, too quiet for my being. It is officially 3 months from now, it is officially the end. No more rebounds, no more second chance.

I had a hard time to breathe when I realize this.

I concentrate on my breathing. In, out. In, out. Every sip of air seems like a decade.

That heartache that he once gave me was back. Only this time, I brought this heartache to myself. I thought I could get away with all those pain, I thought I had outgrown the pain. I was wrong, it is still painful as hell.

It wasn't easy at all to take down everything all together. When in front of your own eyes, you wipe out everything that had happened for 2 years in 15 minutes.

The pain is inevitable, though prepared, I'm not any better to handle the situation. Tears still stream down from the corner of my eyes, I tasted salt and bitter.

I am now at the tip of banging my own head to the wall.

This Day Off

Decided to ask the unable-to-ask question the other day. Eng up getting a negative. I was expecting it anyway, so it wasn't really a shocker. I will try again some time again, but not sure if I'll be able to take the second hit.

So I decided to have this day off to go back to the place where everything started to fall apart.

Started out early in the morning and reach the place around 10am. Grabbed Starbucks with Shepherd Pie and started thinking back again. The waited for the shopping center to open up and take a stroll there. Called friend for a movie, and went back home in the evening.

I walked back to all the place we had walked before. Reminiscing each pieces of details.

I was wrong. And I regret that. But I can't turn back time. I can only embrace this fact.

But I refuse to move on.

Can you forgive me, for I will try it again and again.

Best Way to Communicate?

I don't know how to put this, but I guess writing is the best way to communicate to a friend who decided to ignore you for the better.

I seriously don't get it in the beginning.

What the hell did I do wrong? Did I upset him? Did I scared him away? Did I this did I that?

I couldn't take it at all that all of a sudden a friend decided to ditch me just like that, with no preview or fore-warn. I was deeply wounded, thinking that it must be my fault.

Then I started sending frantic messages, asking for clarifications. Which after much waiting he coldly replied, I was busy with work.

At that moment I realized, I had lost this friend, with reasons I could not identify.

I really wished somebody could tell me what happened, at least tell me the reason why. But since the particular person could not even care less to tell me, I figure this is a question that I shall never get answer.

If you are reading this, these are the things that I wish to tell you.

"I really don't know why you acted like this, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Don't give me the reason that you're busy working or something, I will tell you that's all bullshit.

You might have heard things about me.
I do not wish to clarify, since you never ask. I do not wish to deny either, because that was my past. But if you choose to believe in other people's story instead of mine, that is your choice. I can tell you that I'm a changed person now, different from my past that is, but you can choose not to believe me.

Other than this, I could not think of other reasons. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, which I doubt you will.

Thank you very much for your kindness. I will always keep all of that in mind.

If this is our end, then I wish you goodbye here. Good luck for your future undertakings, and I really mean it."

You know what, I'm really sad. I thought you were different, but you're not.

I don't think you will read this anyway. This is definitely not the best way to communicate with you. Stupid me!

I Hate This

Another night like this, when my thoughts are wandering.

Quite a number of revelations have been through my mind lately. But none of it can be resolved. I'm kinda losing my touch is solving problems, and I can the direct impact from it. Each and every day I am choked by piling things. Sooner or later I'll be drown to death.

I should be happy, that holiday is coming and I finally have a whole week to rest. But the truth is there are more things waiting for me to deal with once I'm back from this holiday. Lots and lots of new responsibilities that I don't even want to think about it. I am not breathing right, let alone thinking right. I continue to stuff my face with food, and again and again I blame myself for growing fatter and fatter every day, then I continue to eat again.

This sickening cycle has to stop. But how?

And I seek no comfort in other matters as well, neither family nor relationship. I am one man's island.

I really hate to think that I am this alone. Everything has to be on my own. How I long for someone or something for me to lean and hold on. But I don't even know whether such thing exist or not in my life.

I really hate this. I really really do.

Sleepless Night

Again it was filled with multiple thoughts. Late night is always the best time to dive into my thoughts and have conflicts with myself.

It is always this question. Should I or should I not?

Should I take away those things that once belonged to us?
Should I make it known?

Part of me asks me to just move on, but part of me tells me that maybe there's a shot for things to spark again.

I don't know, which part of me should I listen.

I'm creating problems for others it seems, that if I can't make up my mind soon it will soon kills another thousands of brain cells of others.

What should I do? Can somebody tell me?

Is It All True?

Sometimes I wonder, whether the things that happened around me are all true. One moment I felt like I'm still happily going to college; and the next thing that I know, I'm struggling to get myself up to go to work.

I have been dreading so much. That today I actually fake my medical leave to escape from school for a day. I can't bear to see them, let alone going in the class to let them mentally torture me. It's not that those kids aren't good kids. I just can't chirp up myself every single day when I see them.

I'm not a person full of laughter and passion. I need some emo time on my own.

And at this kind of moment, I miss you the most. I used to get to you so easily, but it's all gone now. I hate it when we're greeting each other so casually. I miss the time when we joke and laugh together. I miss the time when I can't sleep at night, I can call you every single hour to disturb your tetris time. I miss the time when you hold me in your arms, and ask me to be good when I'm not with you.

But I must admit that everything is gone now. This time, the effect of this breakup is really slow. It's consuming me slowly, that I can no longer breathe right, or sleep right.

Sometimes in the middle of the night I woke up, I search for your name and hesitate to call. Sometimes I wonder whether it is all true. Sometimes I wish I can still be your girl.

Valentine

I think Valentine's Day had lost all it's original purpose. How beautiful is it if there's someone who stills uphold the same intention as Pope Valentine during his time. A love letter would be sufficient to touch the deepest core of my heart. There's no need for expensive gifts or extravagant roses.

Sometimes sincere words is the only thing that girls need.

But how many of guys of there really know this?

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Spread the wings of love all around! :)