A Friend

Suddenly thought of a foreign friend when I was at university. I knew him when I was about to leave the place, when I was at the moment of heart broken. He was the same, just that his heart never mended in one. His heart was shattered even that incident happened a year ago. He was at his most vulnerable state, and I was at my recovering stage at that time.

I'm really glad I met him that time. He gave me the reason to believe that there's still good men out there, like himself. I can gradually let go of my own pain when I was trying to make him happy again. I silently accompanied him for the last month before we both left that university, and that was the only month I felt meaningful in that 2 years of university.

It was as simple as that. I gained a friend that I never had before, and I had a clear mission that entire month. My goal was to make him have hope again, and to make him happy again before he's back to where he is supposed to be.

And tonight I thought of him. It was all so sudden. He left a simple message for me, saying that everything is okay with him, that he has found a job and is busy everyday. It's just a few sentences from him, but I'm happy enough. He's finally okay now, though I don't know whether he had let go of his pain, but I'm sure he's doing fine over there.

It is a relieve to hear such good news from this friend. He was really special for me. I can still remember the amount of wine and beer that I had in my tummy for that month, but it was all worth it. Thank god that he is fine now.

TianYu, good luck! You've been missed here. :)

I Told You To

I told u to smile,
but I'm not.

I told you to go with it,
but I silently says no.

I told you to believe,
but I don't want to believe.

I told you to love,
but I hope you would forget.

I told you so many things,
but none,
is what I really want you to be.

I'm sorry, I love the way I lie.

Age and Maturity

Some of us might think that the age of a person would reflect on the maturity level accordingly. We would expect adults to act adult-like and for kids, its okay to act child-like. Those exceeding expectations would be labelled as immature or childish.

But is there any possibility for a child to act adult-like? For some reasons, I would answer a big NO for this questions. Children nowadays are way more pampered than the children last time. They know no sufferings, no hardships. Okay maybe I'm being a little too stereotype as not all children are behaving this way. But generally, this would be the type of children we will see everyday.

I now change my perspective entirely. I have witnessed a different case.

That child is beyond my expectations. He is cool and rational. He is fun and socialable, but at the same time lonely as hell.

Just because of that one particular life experience that he had been through, it changed him. He is now more considerate, and also very vulnerable. He holds on to the things that he had once let go, and now he endures the pain alone. Sometimes late at night he would go sleepless, and cry a little, embracing the memories that were once so sweet that turned bitter.

It was a one particular life experience that changed a lot of things.

Life is the best teacher that everyone could have. Kids act immature and childish because they have not encountered things and incidents that would make them grow. So we would grow wiser in time, where we get more and more lessons from our everyday encounter. Sometimes I would think that I am more immature than some younger people around me, where they think much wiser. There are definitely things that I can learn from these people.

Age does not necessarily reflect the maturity level of someone. That is the moral of my lesson today.

Deletion

There was once I was so sad and pissed off by a person, that I could not even bear to see the person's name appearing in my Facebook. I could not bear to see this person updating stuff, and I deleted that person.

Some time later, we accidentally chatted. And I added the person back.

Today I thought back of that time, I thought myself as real stupid and childish.

Today I'm at the brink of the same anger and sadness towards a person, and the same thought of deleting the person's face entirely from my contact reach. And I wonder again - Will I, after some time, laugh at my own stupid and childish act again?

I wasn't sure. The urge was so strong this time.

Will deleting a person's contact save me from all those pain and heartache? Someone tell me?

别再哭了

伤心情歌播几遍了
你的眼还湿红红的
生命总有些过客
现在不过多了一个

结束了何必再拉扯
有些事总该遗忘的
你听着听着又哭了
我明白的谁都难免不舍

别再哭了 多不值得
想一想把爱情看透彻
生活苦涩该他负责
他会后悔他做了这选择

别再哭了 多不值得
失去也是另一种获得
伤心情歌 不属你的
幸福不一定非爱谁不可
难熬的 会经过的

The Nonsensical

I'm glad that all those nonsense have been put to an end. Finally I don't have to feel guilty. It's the day that I'm happily rejected but reborn, as a better and more responsible person.

I should have been more rational to avoid all these pain. It's entirely my fault, and I have no one to blame.

I tell myself, it's okay. I'll be fine, and big girls don't cry.

Frustration From Here

I was asked to change today. I saw it coming, just that I did not see it as early as this. It was somehow embarrassing, but I accept my fault, I have no grudges about it. But when I see some other people took advantage of this, I got rather pissed. So what if I did something wrong, do you have to speculate my every movements in here? It was at the tip of my mouth to voice out my dissatisfaction but I hold my tongue. This is still a place where I don't entirely belong.

The school is like a melting pot that will melt away all your real self and personalities. It will consume you, and eventually you will turn into the same species of teachers you talk about everyday - fat ass and gossipy.

And what happened if you refused to be melt into the same mould? You wil definitely be scrutinized and talked about. No doubt with that.

It is as what I've said, ripping away my beloved freedom. I need my freedom. Some may comment me on my naiveness on this matter, that once I stepped into this profession, there is no turning back. But I love teaching, yes I do, but the people and the system is making me sick, sicker and sicker everyday. The more I be in this profession, the more I see the ugly truth.

Do you know that you're messing with people's mind, when you're messing with students' life?

Do you know that those students that we teach, are those who will one day feed all of us and our country?

So what is the problem with a little bit of kindness? What is the problem with you listening to what they have to say?

Students became rebellious, not because they are naturally born this way. Nobody is born evil or naughty. It is because of the society and surrounding that push them into this. Deep in their hearts, not even one would want to be that rotten apple. Why don't you just listen?

All these frustration is so over-whelming, that I can't even breath right when I was sitting here and typing.

I can just tell myself that all of it will end soon. And my another hell would come soon enough to haunt me like this every single day.