Pathetic

It's just pathetic of me, because I don't really have a friend to talk to when I need to talk, when I need to shoulder to cry on, when I need an absolute support. I thought I used to have at least one, but they proved me wrong. Time took it's toll, fate took it's course, as a human, I could not fight at all.

I gave in to whatever bullshit that I need to go through, I cried I ache, slowly I grow out from that path and gotten myself hurt all over again. The circle never stop.

And what's unbelievable, I am the one who likes to dig out all those old crap. I let myself to be in pain, I allow myself to get hurt.

And because of that, I get my own revelation today. I saw what others had to say about me when I paid my utmost love and attention to them. I saw them, with my own eyes, stepping on my tolerance and pride, I saw them underestimating me, I saw them stabbing me with a sharp dagger.

At that moment, I could not breath again. The air was blocked, I gasped.

All these while I've been trying so hard to impose my trust again, I've been trying so long, but all those effort can be gone in just a second. Every phrase that I read is like slicing of a piece of my meat. This was what you think of me, I see. This was how pathetic I was, I see.

Can't you give me the sense of security that I want, though I never ask? I thought you would understand, but can you please do that for me? Can you cut everything in the past loose?

If you can't, then,

can you set me free?

Much Needed Rest

Finally after almost 11 weeks of non stop lectures, assignments and exams; I finally got my rest today. Although the last mid term paper was kinda crappy, but I'm glad that it's periodically over now. At least, I will get my to-dream-for nap in a short while. It's something blissful, I should appreciate it. :)

Recently life has been filled with tension and unhappiness. Depressing, and at the same time saddening. Another friend has left us by choice, though unable to understand why, I still hope that she would be happy for her own choice and find her own freedom and happiness in another plane. I wish her luck and peace.

At the age of 22, I had lost 2 friends.

If this number continues to grow overtime, can I wish to God that I'll never grow up?

I thought that death news of friends will only reach me when I turn 50, or even 60 and 70. Why at such an early age I'm facing all these?

I know that some people out there have the same experience with me. But trust me, when you receive this kind of bad news within 3 months, you will doubt too.

It is not that I'm doubting God's almighty power. I'm aware that nothing could challenge that. But sometimes when I think about it, I wonder why God wants to take away their lives? Such nice and kind people, why don't God let them live in this mortal plane and make more people trust Him and be happy?

The only explanation I have for myself is that, God loves them too much that He wants to keep them with him, and to save them from the future suffering.

Yes, the Armageddon mentioned in Bible, some believe that it will come true in 2012.

I don't know about how true is this. But if this is to happen, I guess I shall think of those things that I want to do and see before the time reach.

Well, I'll leave that to think about when I'm truly free. Off to bed now. Chaoz.

Heck Care?

Sometimes I wonder, when I say heck care, do I actually mean I heck care?

So I made an experiment, I counted the number of times I say heck care and the number of times I deal back with the same problem again after I said that phrase and times with a hundred percent, the number I get is almost shocking. It's a full one zero zero.

This big fat three numbers proves that I'm such a bad liar to myself. When I say I heck care, I actually do care even more.

Take instance from a recent problem that has been bugging me like hell. A friend kinda turned her back on me, just because of a new influence, I guess. I was disappointed very much, since we were once so close. But I too realized that I can't force a friend to stay put with me, what more be loyal to one. So I chose to say "heck care" to myself. But it seems to me that I actually care too much, to the extend I started to avoid this particular friend.

I'm a coward, I know. I choose to avoid any kind of hurtful circumstances around me. My knee was scrapped once, I don't have to scrap them the second time.

Claire De Lune is in its magic again. I'm an emo bitch again.

The Trust Issue Again

I want others to trust me, but what about me trusting the others? Trust is a reciprocal effort, I know that. But does he or she deserve my trust?

Once bitten, twice shy. I find it hard to trust now.

I realized I had been demanding too much for asking someone to trust, since I cannot repay back the same level that I expect from the others. I can't believe that I still care so much, still having heartache after so long. The effect of the incident had clouded half of my soul. I became suspicious, I lost trust. The dark cloud, after such long period still refuse to leave me body. I had no choice.

I wonder why is it so hard to trust. Now is my turn having a hard time trusting others. Or sometimes, he or she just don't know when to hide and when to tell lies.

Jo, Vera's Poem For You

Jo,

I was practically holding on my tears when I saw this in class. It reminds me of you. How are you up there in heaven?

We miss you, though seasons passed. Some part of us were gone, because you left.

Some day we're going to meet you again, and that shall be the time we share our joys.

Your friend,

J

Perhaps - Vera Brittain

Perhaps some day the sun will shine again,

And I shall see that still the skies are blue,

And feel once more I do not live in vain,

Although bereft of You.

Perhaps the golden meadows at my feet

Will make the sunny hours of spring seem gay,

And I shall find the white May-blossoms sweet,

Though You have passed away.

Perhaps the summer woods will shimmer bright,

And crimson roses once again be fair,

And autumn harvest fields a rich delight,

Although You are not there.

Perhaps some day I shall not shrink in pain

To see the passing of the dying year,

And listen to Christmas songs again,

Although You cannot hear.'

But though kind Time may many joys renew,

There is one greatest joy I shall not know

Again, because my heart for loss of You

Was broken, long ago.

Trust

Is it so hard to gain trust? Why is it so hard to believe my being? Am I not worth any ounce of your trust in me? Am I that bad, that unreliable? Am I that worthless for you to trust me when I say I didn't do it?

Why are you hurting me in any possible way? The bruises at my back is not as painful as the bruises you left in my heart. Why can't you listen?

I know why. I love you too much. So I'm stupid enough to put my heart back for you to hurt for the second time. I'm not smart you see, I am that stupid. But I want stay this stupid, why can't you let me be that idiot?

I'm in pain, agony, can you trust this? Or no?