Let Go

Everyone tells me to let go. I listened, but I can't seem to do it. Why are you tempting me in every possible way? I tried to hate you but I could not do it. I tried stop calling you but I could not do it.

You know what? All these are just shitty. I'm shitty.

烟

最近有股冲动想学抽烟，想把那些复杂的情绪吸进去再吐出来。这应该算是种情绪上的输送吧，我是这样跟我自己说的。可是我始终都过不了自己那关。这到底是我吗？还是只是一种逃避？就算学会了抽烟又怎么样，我会变得更好吗？

说穿了，我只是想找个借口来让自己堕落。

只有在抽烟的时候，不断咳嗽，拼了命想让自己呼吸正常一点，我才不会去想他。

只有在抽烟的时候，反复动作，规律得让我的脑袋放空。

脑袋一旦空了，我就再也想不起什么。

抽烟，应该会让我整个人都放空了吧。

我终于明白了为什么有人执着于抽烟。

寂寞的时候，有根烟陪着你，似乎是件不错的事呢。

我想抽烟了，你会来阻止我吗？

Lesson To Learn

I admit I was fucking mad at myself previously.

I'm just fucking pissed off with myself right now, at this moment, everyday in my life currently.

All this is just not right. What am I doing now? I don't even know myself anymore. I feel like there's an alien in my body to direct me to do things. My body have it's own mind. I'm a fucking zombie.

I live and breath everyday, but never had I felt so lost before, as if my life was without a purpose, so damn meaningless. Everyday is just a day, no fucking big deal. What's more to this life? Is there nothing else out there?

My friend scolded me a few days ago, said that I don't have enough working experience, that I haven't see enough of this cruel working world. But believe me I had seen enough of this bloody world, this bloody truth. I am indeed facing it right now. My every sight and hearing reminds me of it every fucking day. Can you believe it? I'm actually facing and looking my pain everyday, and I can't even run away because of the bloody truth of the world! Fuck myself!

I wish the pain would go away.

This is my coward wish every time I get hurt. I would prefer to go away and hide.

But this time, it's entirely different. I'm forced to stay put and look at it. And I have to deal with it, no matter what.

Is this the lesson that I have to learn nearing my 22nd years of life?

I wish someone is here now. Even a simple hug will do. I need something to lean on for this painful lesson.

WTF AM I DOING?

I'm pretty sure I'm not in a normal state.

Do you see me going all out to pester just one person, so that this person could pay extra attention to you?

Do you see me flooding people's inbox so that this person could notice me?

Do you see me looking at my own mobile like an idiot whole day, hoping this person would call or message?

DO YOU FUCKING SEE ME DO ALL THESE FUCKING BULLSHIT?

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

A Shout Out

I knew I've made mistake. I should never get close to you, because I have lost you as my friend. Now that you're gone, you disappear from my life again. Somehow I sensed that this is going to be permanent. I got too close, and you choose to go away.

But I must really tell you that I've never regret that. It might have been the last memory you left for me. I'll treasure them forever, I promise.

Now the silly me is crying in the middle of the night. I really miss you badly, and I wonder where you are. But all this must be kept in heart, because I know I must be strong, and I must not bother you anymore.

I once called you my brother and my friend, and I once blindly hoped that we were more than that. Now all these are just dreams.

I hope you will come back to my life again, someday, I'll wait.

Commitment

This word has been bugging me forever.

I was once at the phase of rejecting commitment, where I think committing to that one and only person is a stupid thing to do. There are so many people out there and you hooked yourself up to just one man or woman? Isn't that a stupid thing to do? So there come a phase where I was wondering myself around different kinds of people, experimenting and trying. That was my past that I was not embarrassed to admit.

Then it reach the age for me to think more rationally. What was so wrong for being committed to that one and only? Isn't that a sacred thing to do? So I started to imagine love to be a wonderful thing for you to appreciate, and that was also the time where I hurt like shit, but without regret.

And until now, I still think commitment is a beautiful thing to give. But that's just me, I understand that a lot of people are still not willing or simply unable to give out this kind of promise.

For that person especially, I understand why you say you want to take things slow. I know I tend to rush things, but that's just the way I am. I grab good things when I see them, it's just natural for everyone right? I know this may sound wrong, but it's hard for me to change the way I am, right?

So please don't just walk out from my life, just like that. You have participated so much before, so I can feel the effect when you just withdraw suddenly. I too will feel pain, I too will feel lost. So if you really want to take away the commitment that you have given before, can you please do it slowly? I will understand all of them, I promise I won't cry.

Please. I had enough for all the bullshits in my life.

Its Been A While

Been laze around for quite some time. Not in the mood to do anything reallty. I practically just dragged myself through everything, especially the final exam. I wasn't even in the mood to read anything properly. I just read blankly and answer blankly, just like that, the exam was over.

I guess it should be a good thing, that the most stressful thing of all was finally over. I simply do not need to pretend that I fucking care anything. I just want to wrap up everything and be through with it. There's nothing much that I miss in this place, except for some fabulous people that I've met during the very last moment that I live. I thank God for the appearance for them all. Thank you for making my life filled with sincere laughter again, I do love you all very much, and I long for the moment that we all meet again.

And that's at least the one good thing and memory that I left in this place call Kuala Lumpur. I came with so much anticipation, but left with much dissapointment with a pinch of happiness. But I do regard this as a happy ending for me in this place, it is so much better than what I've been through at other places. I've known friends and siblings that I could keep for life, and that's great, I must be thankful for being this lucky.

And I'm smiling now, although I'm back to the place that I've once left with so much tears, because I know that I'm still blessed by the love of those who concerned.

At last my blog post ends with a happy note. 89th, it's officially my favourite number from now on.

:)