Puffy Eyes

As I grew older, I realized that my emotions remain stagnant.
The outburst was frightening.
Pebbles after pebbles, when I can no longer hold them back, I stuffed my face into my pillow, silently, yet hysterically shouting for release.

So is this how a person control his vexation?

There's a hole in my heart which can no longer be filled. The ability to heal was long gone.
So ignorance.
I guess ignorance is the best way. When I bury those holes deep, where I cannot see them, I can assume that I never get these holes in the first place.

But sometimes, when the light is dim, and the night is quiet; They resurface.

They too want to breathe, especially tonight. It's been a while.

Forgive me for my weakness and my tears. I too, need to breathe.

Stay strong, will you?

When people doubt, when people shout,

All you need to do, is to stay strong for yourself.

Fred not, wary not,

Every tear you drop,

Is every ounce of strength that would push you to your core. 

Be strong, will you? 

若已无爱

最近越发明显了。你不再开口叫我，也不再回应想我爱我。一个简单的表情符号，是你对我最后的同情施舍吗？

我知道我傻。我知道我该放手。可是我会痛，我没办法开口。

如果你已经不爱我了，那你能不能放我走？

我已经没办法再哭了，我好累。

Colder

His tone is getting colder, his love to me is getting colder. 

We are getting colder. 

Every moment to wait for his reply felt like a decade. Yet when I finally received them, my heart grew even more pain. 

How long must this last? Can't you see that I'm trying so hard here? Why can't you just turn around and look at me properly for once? 

Why can't you just let me go? 

Dog Bone?

So I'm waiting for you to throw a bone at me, so I can continue to wag my tail at you. 

But when will you throw it? I'm waiting, anxiously. 

Or you couldn't care less anymore? 

Outlet

I guess my only emotional outlet would be here, a virtual space for me to let out my every scream and shout. 

I was thinking today. Should I let go? 

One part of me says that I should, another part of me says no. 

I admit, I still love him dearly. He can still makes me smile easily, but at the same time, he can make me cry as easy. 

I want so much to be extra understanding. It is not that I don't see the recent massive changes in his life. But when I tried to put myself into his shoes, I don't understand, why can't he spend some time and attention on me like what he used to be? 

And he changes so much. I could not help but compare. 

Is it because of those changes that I see? 

Or perhaps, it's because of his dwindling feelings of me. 

Is it so, that he no longer loves me? 

Give me a hint, let me know. Please. 

Is it time?

The same thought has been bothering me for months. 

Everything has changed. 

Maybe he did not realize it, but I do. I'm sensitive in that way, or maybe I'm too sensitive about that. But I can't help but make comparisons between 7 months ago and now. 

He used to text me in the morning. 

He used to call me when he finishes work. 

He used to spend some time texting me. 

But now it's all gone. 

I keep explaining to myself that he's just very busy, with his new job title and his other commitments. But everytime when I tell myself this, I felt so low and down. I felt like, I am nothing to him. 

I told him how I felt. But the aftermath made the situation worse. He grew more distant than before. 

He used to hug me to sleep. But now, he turned his back on me. 

All these little signs and symptoms are driving me crazy. He is driving me crazy. 

Is it time to say goodbye? Even if I said it, he wouldn't mind, right? 

Lost, yet again

I thought I was happy. 

But when you have to compete with lots of other factors in reality, like career, family, friends, then you realize, you're not really important at all. 

But you can't place any blame, because that's acceptable generally. But am I allow to be selfish? Am I allow to throw tantrums and whine like a kid? 

I can't. I'm too egoistic to do that. 

He told me to just be myself. He was so calm. He sounded like if I were to mention about break up, he wouldn't mind at all. Or perhaps, that's what he wants? 

For 25 years, even I myself can't figure out what kind of person I am. I'm that confused. 

So be myself, means I camouflage into the person that the people around me want me to be. I people-please my life all these years, sometimes allowing myself to be a mischief, but always, I go back to the crowd. 

I am so fucked up right now that I don't even know what I want anymore. The moment I face any kind of hardship, I would assume that it's going to be over. 

When have I learnt to view things in such negative way? Why am I always prepared for the worst? 

Have I no value at all? Did I not possess any single quality that would make people around me need me, and appreciate me? 

What should I do? What else can I do? Can somebody teach me? 

I'm scared

To be honest, I'm really scared. 

I'm scared that I might lose him one day. Because for the first time in my life, I feel so out of my league. 

He might not be perfect, but he's perfect for me. I'm so scared that I ache at the thought of losing him. 

There's too many things that I can't give him. There's too much memories that I can't compete or compare. What am I to him? 

I just hope that this relationship would stay as long as it can. I don't know when will I lose it. 

Will I be able to let go of him when it's time? 

Silly Girl

You stupid, silly girl!

Why do you even have to cry? You made your own decisions, nobody forced you, then why on earth are you crying?

You can't just cry because you regret on what you said? You can't just cry because somebody who is hurt by you don't want to talk to you and forgive you!

Silly girl! Stupid girl!

Control

It was a quiet breakup. So different from the first one we had.

It was just merely a few words.

It was the first time I didn't shed any tears. Or rather, I felt kinda relieve after all these breakup drama.

Quiet enough, I supposed. What's the point of having a big row about it?

And for that moment I gained back the control - Control over my own life, my so called freedom.

Yet when you lost something that you had for years, you started to fidget. You started to feel restless.

Ironic isn't it? The moment I broke free from him and gained back my control, he had again control over me. I had got used to his ways and I almost forgot how it felt like without him nagging and pestering me every single day.

So I went back to my old ways. I did whatever that I wanted to do, and meet with whoever I want to meet, and went out whatever time that I want.

It was the air of freedom that I longed for, I must enjoy it to the fullest.

And so this person came along, and I didn't really consider much. I just go for it.

And together with my long-lost freedom, my victim syndrome came knocking on my door again. I refrained myself so much from being naive, and when I began to have a little faith, the ugly truth unveiled again.

I laughed at myself. It was a mocking laugh.

Why do I have to be such sadist, to torture myself this way. Why do I have to be that naive, when I'm no longer 18 years old?

Apparently my wisdom doesn't grow with my age.

The moment I thought I gained control of my life, I lost control of my life.

Online Game Addiction

And just when I thought I'm wayyyy past my MapleStory Adventure craze, I'm hooked on something else. I'm not especially proud when I say this, but it is a China server RPG.

I know, why China.

It just happened when I stumbled across this game page and I itchy hand go click inside. Then from that moment on the only thing I knew is I have to log in everyday in that game, or else I'll feel something not right. And it was to the extent that I'm going gaga all over the town to find cash reload for this game, and when I finally got it, I spent all of it in one hour and I reload again the next day.

I know, FML.

Nevertheless, I'm finally happy for a bit because of this alias identity in this virtual realm. At least, I'm happy.

Passion Lost

It's been ages since I last updated this blog. Proves that I've found another channel to pour all my negativity in life. 

But it doesn't solve anything anyway. Life still goes on the same way every day and I'm Judy drifting through most of it. Day in day out, it's just a repetition every single day. 

Today my student told me, " You're just here for the salary, right?"

At that moment I was speechless. All I could do was just laughed it off. But I gave it a deep thought after I went back home. Would I still be here if it wasn't for the money? 

Life and reality, all of us would have to face it irregardless of the easy way or the hard way. I took it upon myself that I must provide for my family, and so I stay. But am I happy? Honestly, I don't even know how should I feel now. 

All I know is this life is draining my passion out of me. I used to get excited for things, but now, I just shrugged my shoulders for everything. Nothing surprises me, nothing retains my interest, nothing. 

Is all these worth it? Can my calling be answered someday? 

I pray. 

原点

还记得16岁的那一年，曾经有那么一个人，用尽他的全力去宠爱我，保护我，不让我受到一丝一毫的伤害。曾经有那么一个人，宁愿挨饿受苦也要让我得到我想要的，给我最好的。曾经有那么一个人，明知道我不好，也默默的守在我的身边，然后对我说 “等你在外面玩够了，累了，就回来；我会等你”。可是就因为我16岁，不懂得珍惜这个人，然后狠狠地把他抛弃了，就算他手上捧着99朵玫瑰花，我也不回头。

那样的一个人被我伤害了，也不怪我，也不恨我。辗转到我二十出头了，才发现，至始至终，最疼我最爱我的，还是当初的那个他。

但是我也知道，人生不能重来。所以后来的我常感叹，哪一天如果我再遇见那样的一个他，我一定不会放手。就算受伤，我也要把他留下来。

可是今天，我放手了。一个爱我疼我宠我的人，我放手了。

我哭，但是我知道这一次依然不能重来。两次都是我放的手，两次都是让别人受到了伤害。

我的人生仿佛又回到了16岁的那一年。我总是为了当初他说的那一句话而泪流满面，现在的我却没理由的哭了。

是我变了吗？我要的，难道就跟8年前不一样吗？

我哭，是因为我不知道我要些什么。就连现在的他问我，“你爱我吗？”，我也无法回答他。

我挣扎，我发了狂的想找回理由。可是到了这一刻，我还是找不到。

我只能说，8年前的我不认识寂寞，8年后的我，已经和寂寞分不了手。

所以我只能逃，逃回原点，只有我一个人的原点。

对不起，是我的任性让你受伤。是我的无知让你委屈。你哭过的眼泪，我会慢慢还给你。你哭不出来的眼泪，让我一次帮你流干。

Expectation

It was rather bad, when you were below someone's expectation; and due to that unsatisfactory they turned into someone that we did not know.

One bad break up would show you the true colours that one should have known from the beginning of a relationship, or even friendship.

Patience could have bring peace, but when a person was under a massive amount of pressure, no human would still take it in in a calm manner. Anyone would have burst.

But the way you lash out your stress and anger is dependable on your upbringing and your personality. Some choose to shout, some choose to cry, some choose to bad mouth the other party till they get the comfort they want.

So when you are the victim of the bad-mouthing, you can't really blame that person for being inconsiderate or even childish, you can only blame yourself that you chose to know the wrong person.

Expectation is a serious game. It could give you hope, but at the same time, it could bring out the worst.

The Last Straw

Times and times again I tell myself to be patient in this relationship, because many had told me to go for the one who loves me more than I love him. I was told I will be happier in this kind of pattern, at least be pampered, be loved. Yet this is getting more painful than what I used to have. 

Because of your "concern", you've decided to call my parents.

So you think that is going to magically straighten me out and made me cry at your feet and apologize?

You, have reached the bottom line, my last straw. 

The moment you decided to call my parents for "good", that was it. There's no more turning back for you and me. That's it! We are DONE!

If being a MORON is what you've chose, GREAT! I'm so freaking relieved of you getting the hell out of my life! Please be as distant as you could so that I could no longer be reminded of you. Every moronic act you did REPELS me.

So what if I've hurt your feelings? So what if I don't give you your respect? Do what if I don't give a damn of your manly dignity?

YOU CHOSE TO STAY PUT WHEN I ASKED YOU TO LEAVE.

YOU CHOOSE IT YOURSELF!

I had never even once asked you to stay. I had never lied about who or what I am. But you thought that you could handle me and chose to continue.

So now I've hurt your feelings, and you blame it all on me?

PLEASE GO GET A LIFE, relationships aren't a sweet bed of roses you fool! If you feel threaten by me or me being unmanageable, please, LEAVE. 

I'm so used to be a bad guy, and I am one again now. SO WHAT?

FML

Seriously, I don't know whether it's my problem or his problem, I'm really starting to lose my patience in things. I'm so freaking pissed off every single moment that I feel like screaming out loud! I'm supposed to be free by now, I have control over myself, but I have a feeling that I'm starting to lose it ALL OVER AGAIN!

I WANT MY LIFE BACK, LIKE SERIOUSLY!

The Victim Syndrome

I always thought I have this victim syndrome. I would always fall for some guys who are not ready or are unable to commit in a relationship. I told myself over and over again not to fall for the same trap again, and yet again and again I find my way back into this painful abyss.

Finally when I met the recent him, I thought all of this would be over. He is the kind of guy who shows commitment, shows attention, shows love, romantic and everything I would ever ask for from my previous failed relationships, it was good at first, almost too good to be true.

Yes, it was too good to be true. I found it life-choking after 3 months into this relationship.

I'm losing time on my own, I'm losing my own private time, I'm losing everything that I'm proud of myself last time; even though I was a failure in several relationships. But with my own time to heal and my own way of surviving in the dome of solitude I manage to be strong, independent and happy.

I starting to lose myself in this relationship.

What is happening to me? Am I turning into someone I used to curse and hate? I am afraid of commitment?

When I don't get the things I want, I whine. When I finally get the things I want, I dodge.

It seems like I'm forever stuck being the victim, or a predator?

Mid November

Been too lazy to update, or to even put effort in anything. I practically laze through the whole of 3 months. Every day and every day, repeating over and over again.

And it was the end of a year again, without me realizing.

Suddenly, I realized time wasn't that kind to me anymore. It had moved so fast without me even realizing it.

I know it is all my fault, because I have made all these happen. I am the one who let my life to go on this way, aimlessly.

Yet when I am writing this now, I have no intention to change any bit of it. I have decided to let my life drifts.

Goodbye, passion. Goodbye.

August

This month reminds me of this movie named "August Rush".

A movie filled with music, love and tears; and most importantly, the strength to hold on to one's belief even if the situation does not encourage you.

By the time I finish this movie I question myself, do I have the same strength to hold on as well?

And immediately I got the answer. No.

I am not a strong believer, even when everyone tells me I can, I doubt my own ability.
Even when the situation allows, I hesitate.
Even when I'm told to leave, I linger.

And I figure, the one reason for me to hold on all these while is starting to fade away, so does my faith, and my strength.

When you walk away, did you know that you were the reason for me to hold on?